Tuesday, August 16, 2016

You're pretty good at whacking guys off, bro.

Founded by Peter Jackson in the late nineties, the island nation of New Zealand is one of my (current) favorite places on the planet. Oh, I've never been there, and know absolutely nothing about it, but in all seriousness, it's the current epicenter of shit that I find cool as f--k.

And if you can't trust the opinion of a guy in his mid-thirties who watched human beings judging dancing horses on television today, then who can you trust, right? While I don't know if New Zealand competed in f--king individual dressage or not, I do know that with Hunt For the Wilderpeople [review], they've already won the gold medal for my favorite movie of the summer.

But what's even more shocking? They might have just won the silver, too. 

I didn't really know what I was getting into when I cranked up 2015's Deathgasm a few nights ago, but it took all of ten seconds to know that I'd made the right choice. Recommended to me by Brittnay Brittani over at Rambling Film [her rad post], writer/director Jason Lei Howden's feature debut is an absolute face-melter.

After his mom gets locked up for trying to blow a department store Santa, young Brodie is totally Harry Pottered and forced to live with his uptight uncle who's balls deep into Jesus. Even worse, is his douchey cousin, who may or may not be dating the hottest girl in his new school, who always feels the need to give Brodie shit.

Initially, Brodie handles all the the adversity well, and after meeting Zakk, a fellow metalhead, the two even start a band named Toothed Vagina Murder Boner  Deathgasm. It's literally a garage band headed nowhere, until Brodie and Zakk stumble upon some ancient lyrics to something known as the Black Hymn.

This epic song, apparently, is the equivalent of saying Beetlejuice three times in a row, and after a pretty f--king rotten day at school, Brodie hastily decides to play it and inadvertently unleashes Hell upon their small town. And while undead residents making the streets run red with blood totally f--king sucks, Brodie's got even bigger problems.

Zakk, it turns out, is a total f--king a-hole.

This is Brodie. He isn't a dick. But his weapon of choice totally is.
Equal parts zombie movie, campy comedy and high school coming-of-age flick, Deathgasm absolutely nails each genre it takes on square in the nuts. Despite its unabashed love for all things metal (possibly a narrow niche, yeah?), trust me, this little flick has something for everyone. Assuming, of course, that you're cool with seeing a cartoon guy totally shred a guitar made exclusively out of a giant throbbing red schlong, of course.

Speaking of giant dicks, here are the Yays and Boos for Deathgasm. We never really got into metal, speed, death or otherwise, but we're all pretty big fans of that worm thing that eats people at GWAR shows, and we had two older brothers in the eighties...so, yeah. Our shit checks out.

For those about to rock, we salute you.
(without using our hands)
  • I already touched on it (the huge dick), but the intro is impossibly rad. It's like an animated version of the what you'd find inside of Jack Black's old algebra textbook.
  • Dude, Medina, the hot blonde fantastically metal-ized to the left has totally earned her title as the number one cause of awkward boners.
  • Alien Records is one of those rad little music stores...that only exist in movies (and Seattle, last I checked). 
  • Man, metal-vision is incredibly...titillating. 
  • Zakk, who is one of recent cinema's biggest f--kers, drops the best line of the movie. When the guys are all quibbling over what to name the band, Zakk drops the hammer. Deathgasm. All caps. Lower case is for pussies. As a (shitty) teacher, I'm pretty sure I can get away with wearing this on a (even shittier) t-shirt, right? Right.
  • Okay, even though they're totally irrelevant to the rest of the film, apparently there's a secret organization looking for the lyrics to the Black Hymn. If you can make it through the scene where they behead a guy twice without laughing, let me congratulate you. On being a joyless turd.
  • Deathgasm decides to make a video and it's pretty f--king legit. I'm sure the execs at Crowbar Abortion Records were thrilled with the results.
  • Medina, a closeted metalhead, takes a liking to our boy Brodie. When she shows him her potential tattoo locations, his reaction is completely priceless. [first location] Baseball. Cold showers. [second location] Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! 
  • The Brotherhood of Steel handshake rivals the Beastmaster shake as best greeting ever.
  • I feel like it's been too long since we've talked about Medina.
    • Her vision of metal is something I would tattoo on myself. Same goes for the actual metal version of her. Rowr. 
    • Her questioning of Zakk's makeup is totally logical.
    • Her (literal) axe skills? Impressive. But I guess it's par for the course when you grow up surrounded by Orcs.
  • I don't want to know what you think fourth base is.
  • Uh, is it weird to say that I was a big fan of Aeloth. I mean, I pretty much worship him.
  • I usually don't laugh at straight up chainsaw murder. Usually.
  • Yep, we have a gear-up scene. And also...yep, it f--king rules.
  • And finally, as much as I realize that this movie is going to be liked by .01% of the population walking this planet, it was such a good f--king time I truly don't give a shit. The creators of this movie are my kind of people. No doubt. President Aragorn should be proud.
Can you hear the trumpets, Brodie?
(they're letting you know that Zakk sucks ass)
  • Rikki Daggers, the lead singer of Haxan Sword is an incredibly intense motherf--ker. I've never seen someone just north of not dead so pissed off in my life.
  • Though his almost beheading is surely grounds to be upset.
  • Brodie has his first date, sort of, in full KISS makeup. It's going to make that first kiss rather difficult, mate. Rather difficult.
  • Brodie's cousin (and his little cronie) may be the worst people on the planet. What the f--k, guys? Really?
  • But the worst of the worst? F--king Zakk, Brodie's supposed friend and bandmate. The list of offenses is probably too long ot list here, but let's just say, Zakk can eat my ass too.
  • Mr. Capenhurst is not okay. I repeat, Mr. Capenhurst is not okay! (what happens to him is like one of my nightmares cranked to eleven)
  • Zakk's dad goes all Pan's Labyrinth and the results are pretty f--king brutal. Good thing it's probably how he wanted to go. 
  • I'm pretty much agnostic at best, but if that's the kind of stuff they hand out of church, I might not watch as much football this season.
  • Speaking of, even though I was laughing the entire time, my personal limit on number of dildos to be used in the destruction of a zombie has always been one. What we get here? Twice that.
  • And finally, I have to Boo the fact that even as the father of two in his mid thirties, I'm still entirely too amused by high school kids slaughtering zombies with giant rubber dicks. Imagine when they grow up and read this? We'll probably have to have the talk. Well, after I finish watching Deathgasm IX and unplug from the Matrix, of course.
All this talk about a cool movie from another part of the world has given me an idea. But more on that later.

Let's wait until after the Olympics for that. Where apparently New Zealand actually has a team, too, In fact, as of this moment, they're sitting in fourteenth place with ten total medals.

That's two more than Narnia!


  1. "Founded by Peter Jackson in the late nineties, the island nation of New Zealand is one of my (current) favorite places on the planet." - LOL

    I'm so glad you liked this and didn't completely wtf at me for talking about it.

    I think my eye just twitched at "Brittnay"

    Great review as always!

    1. Thanks for not only the heads up about Deathgasm, but also the recommendation. Oh, and the comment too.

      You know me, it's going to take something truly magical for me to 'wtf' at anyone or anything, as I'm really up for whatever...whenever. Well, outside of seeing Suicide Squad again anytime soon.

  2. Adding this to my list, immediately.

    1. The world needs more people like you, Dell. I'm sure of it.