Saturday, April 13, 2013

I feel much better now.

Working with children has afforded me the dubious honor of seeing my fair share of disgusting things. Countless incidents of vomiting, both from afar and literally at me are the most obvious choices. But nose pickers, mid-conversation snot bubbles and kids having their hands down all sides of their pants also enter the contest for worst thing I've ever seen. Let's not even get into (burgeoning) lady problems, and evidence thereof. Even potentially worse? A cute little second grader, while on snacktime at the playground, brought me what she thought was an old balloon, deflated and covered in something sticky. Gross.

But, hands down, the most purely disgusting thing I've ever experienced? I once stepped, and half-slipped, in a light-brown, freshly formed turd.

Inside of our house. 
And we didn't have a dog.

The new Evil Dead is without a doubt, the most brutally disgusting movie I've ever seen. It might be marketed as terrifying, but it actually isn't that scary. At all. But, what it lacks in jump scares, it makes up, tenfold, with unrelenting atrocities. It's not bad. I actually kind of liked it...a lot, but it's a f--king grind. You will see something horrible. The you will see something worse. And then, all Hell will break loose.

Look, we all agree this remake/reboot/rehash shit is getting a bit out of hand, but the 2013 version of Evil Dead does a lot right. It takes a relatively beloved cult flick and knocks it on its ass. Now, I'm not an expert on the first one by any means. For every time I've seen the original, I've seen Evil Dead 2 five times, Army of Darkness ten. Instead of being the moderately creepy (student?) film the first one was, the updated version is a highly polished slaughterhouse. They had millions of dollars to spend, and that cash sure as shit wasn't earmarked for anything other than graphic violence. They probably spent a hundred grand on tendons. 

The plot is simple, but effective. Five friends head to ye old cabin in the woods. But instead of drunken debauchery, the aim of the weekend is slightly more noble. There, they will try, yet again, to stage an intervention/detox for the youngest of the crew, Mia. And while I didn't really care for any of the characters or their limited backstory, the setup works. Mia's a hardcore addict, so even though they can't trust her, they're exceedingly patient. When she screams we need to leave, someone frowns and gives her a hug. When she shuffles into the room covered in most of the different bodily fluids, they think she just needs a shower and some rest. It's ridiculous, but in the context of the film, it's also a perfect cover for some crazy-ass demonic possession.

Speaking of ridiculous, the only other person I know (other than my co-pilot Flem) to have seen this film is an extremely religious seventh grader from my homeroom. What his parents were thinking is beyond me. Also beyond me, are the Yays and Boos.

I'll take some breast meat.
  • Whoa. That opener was all kinds of crazy. I'm still getting comfortable and we're already setting bitches on fire? Oh. It's this kind of party.
  • Ah, Eric. Sure, you play that annoying guy who in a typical horror flick will never get laid, but you surprised me, man. For the bookish, slightly weaselly dude you were....Well, you's a stone cold motherf--ker, too. I mean, even nailguns ain't got shit on Eric.
  • Hmm. I'm not the biggest fan of projectile vomit, but let me tell you. I think I'd spend the day with Regurgitated Vine Monster. Seemed like it might have some good stories to tell. You know, about the all the vaginas it has entered. And exited.
  • There's some stuff here that might make you want to go home and take a hot shower. Just not that hot, okay?
  • Once, when we were getting on a bus, my cousin Jason and I rubbed our arms into each other inadvertently. I ended up with one of his gigantic arm scabs on my arm. And as much as I wanted to kill both of us at that moment, it's not like he held me down and vomited into my mouth for what seemed like minutes. That's uncalled for.
  • Which naturally, would lead one to the bathroom to rinse off. And by rinse off, obviously I mean saw your f--king cheek off with a piece of broken glass. Like, for real for real, this was one of the worst things I have ever heard. And oddly, still a Yay.
  • I really don't want to ruin it, but the cheek thing is about minute three of a thirty-minute stretch where you will see what you thought was insurmountable grisly awfulness. just. Keeps. Going.
  • Dude. The demon? A real pottymouth.
  • The score! That air-raid siren sound was brilliant. And. AND! I'm pretty sure I never heard time slow down. Double bonus.
  • In addition to the aural awesomeness, the whole thing is so lovingly framed. Sure, you might be (half) watching a possessed girl hack through her own arm with a electric knife, but the shot is gorgeously composed. Seriously.
  • Other than you know what, turns out the Ultimate Yay is mouthful of chainsaw.
  • And finally, even though I wasn't expecting them, all the nods to the original film were flawless. I didn't even go in with an uber-nerdy checklist of well, they better have the part when...but as far as I could tell, they got them all. If that makes sense.
The demon could've possessed her say...after her shower?
  • While I commend everyone for the physical and emotional damage they probably suffered during the making of this flick, I think some of the um, easier scenes, made me cringe, too. Act-ing!
  • So, we up the level of violence by 900%. Cool. Thanks for that. But, um...guys? This is a horror movie, right? With a hard R rating, yes? [sighs] So...where are the titties? C'mon, guys. Respect the rules. Without rules, there's chaos.
  • Anyway, concerned intervention or not, when me and my friends are out in the woods, and someone says, Is that blood? That's actually code for How fast can we leave this f--king place?
  • Imagine you're staying somewhere, Anywhere really. Let's say a Holiday Inn, okay? Imagine you find one dead cat in your room. One. Well gosh, poor Mittens. We should check out immediately, or at least after we hit the pool. Now, say, you're in a shitty, rundown cabin in the middle of nowhere. And you find...oh, I don't know, thirty dead cats. Hung from the f--king ceiling. What would you do? Bag 'em up, of course!
  • Wow, this cabin sure is creepy. And this weird book, it looks like it's covered in old skin. Gross. And what's this? It's sealed shut with actual barbed wire. You know what we should do? Open it. Solid plan.
  • Damn it. Couldn't the pup just run away? Or at least go down with a fight?
  • Hey man, I know you're upset, but here's a quick tip. You uh, might want to take the bag off first, bro. I mean, the goal is her breathing, right?
  • And finally, even though we missed the post credits scene, I swear this movie ended five times. Look, the whole thing is ridiculous, sure, but it sort of veers into extra ridiculous. But, without a few of those endings, we never would have got that ultimate Yay.
After the flick, my friend Flem and I hit the parking lot for some mandatory post-film conferencing. Standing there, equally numbed and energized by the bloodbath we'd just been a part of, we came to a singular conclusion. Evil Dead is worth seeing.



  1. I want to see this one but I can't stand seeing dog die on screen, why do these sick bastards continue to include scenes like that?

    The opening to the review was...charming :)

    1. Yeah, I knew you'd not be down for that dog violence. As far as I remember though, it's pretty brief, all things considered.

      I was mulling that opening for days. Should I...?

      Then I thought, screw it. My younger doesn't read this anymore, anyway.

  2. Great opening! Something between kindergarten Cop and Paranormal Activity (the turd in the house, with no dog anywere near). I didn't read the yays and boos, because i haven't seen the movie yet. I will at 9th of May (release date here).

    1. Ha! Thanks. That combination sounds perfect, actually. We should write that screenplay. Kindergarten Activity sounds like a winner. Paranormal Cop? That's probably already been made.

      Bummer. Well, check back in a month and let me know what you thought!

    2. I saw it but unfortunally i had the bad luck to be in a theater room with some assholes who couldn't shut the fuck up. It was chaotic and we came close to turn the room into a set from the movie.

      Anyway i didn't had a full chance to enjoy it, but i can say that it was good and better than i expected. Now i will wait for the director's cut dvd/blu-ray, i have a feeling that it's gonna be more pedal to the metal.

    3. It's crazy, how much the audience can impact the viewing experience. It's generally for the worse, but sometimes a good crowd can enhance it. Shame about yours.

      Do you really think there's anything they left out? Good Lord, what DIDN'T they show?

    4. I read somethings online before the release that they dropped some scenes to get a hard R rating. Dont know if it's accurate 100% but i have this feeling that the director's cut will be more gruesome. Also i think they left some scenes out, scenes that we saw at the trailer. Example the line "We are gonna get you" by the deadite in the basement.

      As for the impact of the viewing experience by the audience, that's true. It's generally for the worse. Since the theaters stopped using staff to keep everyone in line if needed, things went downhill. That's why i avoid multiplexes and the mainstream showtimes like 9.00 or 9.30 etc. I always go at the earliest like 6.00. But since Evil Dead is a horror movie, they thought that late timeslots suit it better. I learned my lesson. Dont go to a horror movie unless they play it early afternoon!

  3. The acting in this movie was terrible aside from Lou Taylor Pucci. This must have been a really, really hard R. I'm actually surprised with the amount of stuff they got away with.

    1. Yeah, I agree, the acting was pretty bad. But, I'm not sure what master thespian would sign up for something like this? And besides, their severed-limb budget was likely through the roof.

      A very hard R, indeed. My only fear is that this somehow raises the bar to something impossibly worse.

  4. Oh crap. When my 18-year-old sees the line "the most brutally disgusting movie I've ever seen," she's definitely gonna want to see this damn movie. And I had the misfortune to be eating supper when I read the first paragraph of this post. Otherwise, this was a completely enjoyable review, as per usual at Two Dollar Cinema.

    I've become a bit more open-minded about cinematic violence and gore in recent years -- I decided I was getting too old to be such a wimp. But this just sounds like a gratuitous gross-fest. Still, I might be able to get drunk enough to sit through this one. Especially since ... well ... a potty-mouthed demon seems too good to miss. If it weren't for the dog death. Catching bitches on fire is something I might be able to deal with, but if they're gonna kill a pup, I'm outta here.

    1. I think this sounds like the perfect mother-daughter night at the movies.

  5. Nice review, lots of gore for sure but I was expecting a lot more scares of my $11.00. I think I may have enjoyed this more if the assembled cast had more charisma.

    I found my way over here to your blog when I solicited film blogs I should check out in a post this week and Sati suggested your blog.

    1. Thanks for stopping by.

      I agree wholeheartedly about the cast, though they weren't given much else to do outside of screaming and surviving as long as possible.

      Sati recommended me? Well, she is a genius. Clearly.

  6. I appreciate the movie for going the extra mile in terms of blood and gore, but it still feels like a missed-opportunity. Good review M.

    1. I'm with you, Dan. But, all things considered, this should have been a COMPLETE disaster.

      Missed opportunity almost sounds like a compliment.

  7. I’m glad you enjoyed it so much! I loved reliving it through your Yay’s and I agree with your Boo on the acting. I guess this wasn’t an actor’s film anyway though. It could have been a bit scarier, but I just had so much wicked fun with all of the gore and violence (we’re so sick). Only thing I don’t agree with is seeing it once—I’d like to see this (or at least the middle to end) many many more times.

  8. Wow. Many, many more times? Girl, you crazy.

    Seriously though, I was shocked how much fun it was, all things considered. It held absolutely nothing back with the violence, it's just a shame we didn't get a few more jump scares! 'Cause if we did, we could have had a classic on our hands.

    My question/fear: Where do we go from here? Imagine a more ramped up sequel? Insanity.

    1. Oh, and congrats, by the way. FTS rules and should kick some ass this year!

    2. Thanks man. You totally deserved a few - trust me that you got votes from FTS.