I feel much better now.

Working with children has afforded me the dubious honor of seeing my fair share of disgusting things. Countless incidents of vomiting, both from afar and literally at me are the most obvious choices. But nose pickers, mid-conversation snot bubbles and kids having their hands down all sides of their pants also enter the contest for worst thing I've ever seen. Let's not even get into (burgeoning) lady problems, and evidence thereof. Even potentially worse? A cute little second grader, while on snacktime at the playground, brought me what she thought was an old balloon, deflated and covered in something sticky. Gross.

But, hands down, the most purely disgusting thing I've ever experienced? I once stepped, and half-slipped, in a light-brown, freshly formed turd.

Inside of our house. 
Barefoot.

And we didn't have a dog.

The new Evil Dead is without a doubt, the most brutally disgusting movie I've ever seen. It might be marketed as terrifying, but it actually isn't that scary. At all. But, what it lacks in jump scares, it makes up, tenfold, with unrelenting atrocities. It's not bad. I actually kind of liked it...a lot, but it's a f--king grind. You will see something horrible. The you will see something worse. And then, all Hell will break loose.

Look, we all agree this remake/reboot/rehash shit is getting a bit out of hand, but the 2013 version of Evil Dead does a lot right. It takes a relatively beloved cult flick and knocks it on its ass. Now, I'm not an expert on the first one by any means. For every time I've seen the original, I've seen Evil Dead 2 five times, Army of Darkness ten. Instead of being the moderately creepy (student?) film the first one was, the updated version is a highly polished slaughterhouse. They had millions of dollars to spend, and that cash sure as shit wasn't earmarked for anything other than graphic violence. They probably spent a hundred grand on tendons. 

The plot is simple, but effective. Five friends head to ye old cabin in the woods. But instead of drunken debauchery, the aim of the weekend is slightly more noble. There, they will try, yet again, to stage an intervention/detox for the youngest of the crew, Mia. And while I didn't really care for any of the characters or their limited backstory, the setup works. Mia's a hardcore addict, so even though they can't trust her, they're exceedingly patient. When she screams we need to leave, someone frowns and gives her a hug. When she shuffles into the room covered in most of the different bodily fluids, they think she just needs a shower and some rest. It's ridiculous, but in the context of the film, it's also a perfect cover for some crazy-ass demonic possession.


Speaking of ridiculous, the only other person I know (other than my co-pilot Flem) to have seen this film is an extremely religious seventh grader from my homeroom. What his parents were thinking is beyond me. Also beyond me, are the Yays and Boos.

I'll take some breast meat.

 Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!

• Whoa. That opener was all kinds of crazy. I'm still getting comfortable and we're already setting bitches on fire? Oh. It's this kind of party.
• Ah, Eric. Sure, you play that annoying guy who in a typical horror flick will never get laid, but you surprised me, man. For the bookish, slightly weaselly dude you were....Well, you's a stone cold motherf--ker, too. I mean, even nailguns ain't got shit on Eric.
• Hmm. I'm not the biggest fan of projectile vomit, but let me tell you. I think I'd spend the day with Regurgitated Vine Monster. Seemed like it might have some good stories to tell. You know, about the all the vaginas it has entered. And exited.
• There's some stuff here that might make you want to go home and take a hot shower. Just not that hot, okay?
• Once, when we were getting on a bus, my cousin Jason and I rubbed our arms into each other inadvertently. I ended up with one of his gigantic arm scabs on my arm. And as much as I wanted to kill both of us at that moment, it's not like he held me down and vomited into my mouth for what seemed like minutes. That's uncalled for.
• Which naturally, would lead one to the bathroom to rinse off. And by rinse off, obviously I mean saw your f--king cheek off with a piece of broken glass. Like, for real for real, this was one of the worst things I have ever heard. And oddly, still a Yay.
• I really don't want to ruin it, but the cheek thing is about minute three of a thirty-minute stretch where you will see what you thought was insurmountable grisly awfulness. But...it just. Keeps. Going.
• Dude. The demon? A real pottymouth.
• The score! That air-raid siren sound was brilliant. And. AND! I'm pretty sure I never heard time slow down. Double bonus.
• In addition to the aural awesomeness, the whole thing is so lovingly framed. Sure, you might be (half) watching a possessed girl hack through her own arm with a electric knife, but the shot is gorgeously composed. Seriously.
• Other than you know what, turns out the Ultimate Yay is mouthful of chainsaw.
• And finally, even though I wasn't expecting them, all the nods to the original film were flawless. I didn't even go in with an uber-nerdy checklist of well, they better have the part when...but as far as I could tell, they got them all. If that makes sense.

The demon could've possessed her say...after her shower?

Boooooooo!

• While I commend everyone for the physical and emotional damage they probably suffered during the making of this flick, I think some of the um, easier scenes, made me cringe, too. Act-ing!
• So, we up the level of violence by 900%. Cool. Thanks for that. But, um...guys? This is a horror movie, right? With a hard R rating, yes? [sighs] So...where are the titties? C'mon, guys. Respect the rules. Without rules, there's chaos.
• Anyway, concerned intervention or not, when me and my friends are out in the woods, and someone says, Is that blood? That's actually code for How fast can we leave this f--king place?
• Imagine you're staying somewhere, Anywhere really. Let's say a Holiday Inn, okay? Imagine you find one dead cat in your room. One. Well gosh, poor Mittens. We should check out immediately, or at least after we hit the pool. Now, say, you're in a shitty, rundown cabin in the middle of nowhere. And you find...oh, I don't know, thirty dead cats. Hung from the f--king ceiling. What would you do? Bag 'em up, of course!
• Wow, this cabin sure is creepy. And this weird book, it looks like it's covered in old skin. Gross. And what's this? It's sealed shut with actual barbed wire. You know what we should do? Open it. Solid plan.
  
• Damn it. Couldn't the pup just run away? Or at least go down with a fight?
• Hey man, I know you're upset, but here's a quick tip. You uh, might want to take the bag off first, bro. I mean, the goal is her breathing, right?
• And finally, even though we missed the post credits scene, I swear this movie ended five times. Look, the whole thing is ridiculous, sure, but it sort of veers into extra ridiculous. But, without a few of those endings, we never would have got that ultimate Yay.

After the flick, my friend Flem and I hit the parking lot for some mandatory post-film conferencing. Standing there, equally numbed and energized by the bloodbath we'd just been a part of, we came to a singular conclusion. Evil Dead is worth seeing.

Once.