Thursday, November 17, 2016

There's always a bright side!

As a kid, coming home covered in it was likely the sign of a very good day at school. Probably made something really nice for mom to stare at for years to come.

As an adult, coming home covered in it was likely the sign of a very good night after work. Probably stared at a really nice mom while trying not to...nevermind.

If there's one thing in this awful world that makes everything it touches infinitely better...'s glitter. Lots and lots of glitter.

Movie God may strike me dead for even typing the words (and the blogging community may stone me in the streets), but I doubt there will be a movie I enjoy more this year than Dreamworks' Trolls. Arguably the most consistently charming film I have ever seen, this little animated flick was exactly what a post-election crowd needed: an effervescent rainbow of joy suggesting, no, demanding, that no matter what, if we work together, everything is going to be okay.

The Bergen are a miserable race of hideous creatures slogging through a joyless life (no, they're not public school teachers [I checked]). Soon, it is discovered that these sorry bastards can actually get a taste of happiness simply by eating a Troll. The Trolls aren't exactly thrilled with this, and get the Hell out of Dodge right before the annual Troll-eating holiday (uh, Trollstice) commences. Their escape, is literally balls out.

Twenty years go by and while the Bergen's lives have somehow gotten shittier, the Trolls, despite being borderline homeless, have overwhelmingly prospered. Seriously, these day-glo f--kers perpetually exist in the raddest rave ever (assuming, of course, your idea of a kickass soiree is scrap-booking and elaborate dance numbers where everyone is high as a f--king kite...on positivity). If you don't smile during at least one of their jams, do the rest of us a favor, and find a bridge to live under. Or a wall to build.

Things were going, like, extra groovy for the Trolls, when a rogue Bergen unfortunately crashes the shindig and captures a half-dozen of the quaffed goofballs and crams them in her massive fanny-pack. It's up to a select group of do-gooders led by Princess Poppy (Anna Kendrick, somehow more adorable than usual) to rescue the gang and make all right in the world again. Regrettably tagging along on this doomed mission is Branch (Justin Timberlake, somehow as awesome as usual), the one Troll not exactly eager to pitch in, whether it's to lend a hand or drop a beat.

Did you ever play Katamari Damacy? Imagine playing that game on acid. In a rainbow.
Made of felt.
Look, I get it. You're sitting there in your luxurious wheeled-chair, petting your miniature dog and furrowing your impressive brow at how any reasonable adult could enjoy even a minute of something as awful as a movie featuring those scary things from that scary time. But guys, I'm telling you, this f--king movie rules.

Maybe it won't if your little daughter hasn't asked you, Daddy, who's your favorite Troll? or What Troll are you going to be for Halloween? every single day since you've seen it, but mine has, and it's cranked the good vibes to eleven. We rolled in six-deep last Sunday and the only thing upsetting about this film is we couldn't agree who loved it more (uh, and we took my mom [and since the election? She f--king hates everything]. It's not a Pixar movie, for f--k's sake, but not every animated film needs to be, you know?

Speaking of exhausting, impossible precedents, here are the Yays and Boos. I have officially given up on saying that's a terrible idea when any of these random movies are announced. If Trolls can be good, who's to say the Tetris Movie Trilogy won't be great, too? You know, outside of everyone walking the planet.

I know. You look at it, and think: I really should hate this.
But I totally felt the opposite...
*slowly puts gun in mouth*

  • Give this movie ten minutes. Just ten. If you aren't totally won over, then I give up. and you should too.
  • The Trolls hug every hour. Seriously. You could (and should) set your watch by it.
  • I could give every musical number a Yay, but instead will say they are all varying levels of fantastic. It might be pandering to have Anna Kendrick and Justin Timberlake sing oldies...but f--k it. I'm down. (though the original Get Back Up Again may be the showstopper/brainworm)
  • Timberlake's Branch is that stereotypical grumpy Gus, sure, but he's still pretty awesome. He is a bit crazy, though. Crazy prepared.
  • Straight up, that's the best picture frame ever.
  • I didn't think it was possible to make The Sound of Silence even more fitting in a film but in Trolls...okay, fine. Nothing's better than the ending of The Graduate, but still, this version is pretty sweet, too.
  • Mr. Dinkles, Mr. Dinkles, Mr. Dinkles. I don't even know what this thing is...but I love it.
  • McLovin' shows up as a young Bergen desperate for love, and his idea of a dream date is pretty frickin' dope. Let's just say it involves a equal parts pizza and tokens
  • The True Colors number at the end was pretty much perfect, right? Well, you didn't see this one, so just nod along, okay? Same goes for the finale, too.
  • And finally, even though he exists on the extreme periphery, Cloud Guy is easily the best character in this movie. From his odd demand of only taking hi-fives as payment, to his ridiculous amount of secret handshakes, this dude is still cracking me up a week later.

You could animate a pile of steaming dog turds,
give it Kendrick's voice...
...and I might, just might...
wonder what it would like to be best friends with.

  • Man, Lazy-eyed Troll is kinda funny, but I'm not sure if it's for the right reasons...
  • Way to go, Poppy. You couldn't dial back the party just a little bit?
  • Was this script written in 1995, or ar  all the Trolls' catchphrases ironically old-school? 
  • Thanks, Hair-Whipping Spiders, you terrified my daughter. Dicks.
  • Bergen, uh, Town (?) is super depressing. It's like where I live in Pennsylvania...except they allow music. And Democrats.
  • I haven't yet mentioned servant-wench Bridget (Zooey Deschanel, killing it), who quietly might be the best part of this movie, likely because I felt so bad for her. Damn, girl. You gotta believe in yourself, even just a little bit.
  • I know we always need more cowbell, but that was a dick move, man. Big time.
  • Even though I've heard it nine zillion times, there was a point where, honestly, I was getting a little anxious to hear Timberlake's Can't Stop the Feeling. Sure, I'm about two more listens from it being the song I drive my car off a cliff to, but in the context of this movie, I needed it.
  • And finally, what the heck is with that uber-lame backstory for Branch? I thought they were going to make some self-referential joke about how utterly cliche that whole bit was, but for whatever reason, they didn't. And if it's not funny, it's...well...impossibly terrible for little kids, you know? Mommy, why doesn't Branch sing anymore? Well, dear, I'll tell you on the way home from therapy...

Outside of you (uh, and you) readership has plummeted around here. Like, all-time lows. Clearly, reviewing and totally vouching for Trolls isn't exactly going to set the internet on fire, but screw it. I'm going to stay positive and keep on doing my thing. Maybe even sing a song while I'm at it.

In the shower, of course.

Where I can hopefully, after a week, get all this damn glitter off. Finally.


  1. lol well I'm glad you liked this. My son's preschool went to this, so I was thankful I didn't have to take him myself. He also raves about it.

    1. What's so awesome is the fact that me and your little dude are probably equally psyched about this one. And he's in preschool...and I, uh...probably should be, too.

      (I'm telling you...this movie is good. though...and it's from the creators of Shrek. SHREK! I know how much you love that guy!)

  2. Ok, ok, you've made me want to see this. I didn't because when I saw the poster a couple months ago my reaction was "Isn't this at least 10 years too late?" Now, I'm kind of excited for it. Great job! Still, I'll admit to still being a bit scared because that first pic up there is what I imagine I would see if I ever took LSD.

    1. It's at least ten years too late, but I will stand by the cheery goodness of this adorable flick. It certainly helps if you bring a wee little girl with you, and I think your daughter(s) are a bit out of the target demographic. Soo....Mrs. Dell, perhaps??

      (I had more fun at Trolls than Fantastic Beasts...if that means anything)

  3. Hahaha, great stuff again mate. Now I feel like I -need- to see this!

    1. Hahaha...thanks, man. I don't think any grown man will like this as much as I did, but screw it - I really had a good time with all the singing and dancing, glitter and sparkles.

      Hmm. Let's all chew on that for a minute, right?