Sunday, November 6, 2016

You got anything better?

Fifteen to twenty years ago, they were gonna kill us with battery-sized tumors forming on our brains.

Now, it seems they'll help us kill more than just ourselves, as we barrel down the highway at eighty miles an hour with our foot on the gas but our eyes in our laps.

But the way cell phones will really end humanity? They'll be so f--king all-encompassing, basic human interaction will be entirely superfluous. You can't create a life...

...when you don't f--king have one.
Where's J. Lo when you need her?
In the latest quietly-shitty movie adaptation of a fairly-rad Stephen King novel, a mysterious pulse transmitted through cell phones has turned most of the world's population into something resembling a zombie. Cell, from director Tod Williams (dude's apparently too cool for that second d) is a direct-to-video thriller, low on budget but high on intrigue. Initially, anyway.

After landing in a Hallmark Channel version of Boston's Logan Airport (maybe he flew Sandpiper Air?), graphic novelist Clay Riddell (John Cusack, playing Bitter Guy We Like for the 900th consecutive time) attempts to call his wife and finally share some good news. Their relationship is on the rocks, but Clay's desperate to see his young son again. Maybe the fact that his book is getting published will turn things around for the couple.

Unfortunately/fortunately, his phone dies, and in the midst of attempting to call her back, everyone in the airport loses their shit and kills each other in hilarious fashion (think The Happening with less lawn mowers). Rightfully so, Clay gets the f--k outta there and heads to the subway station and hooks up with Tom McCourt (Samuel L. Jackson, playing a...guy). These two quickly decide they need to make like David Ortiz and leave Boston in utter shambles.

Sorry, I've got something in my eye.

Since this is a Stephen King novel (and screenplay), our heroes have to head to the greatest state in the land, Maine, to find safety. It's a long trip on foot, but luckily for anybody who likes implied gunfire, there are quite a few rabid dick-biters on the way. Unfortunately, also because this is a King novel (and screenplay), the ending is going to be maddening and ultimately shit the bed of what was an interesting build up. But you, you lucky bastard, can't be too disappointed in the ending, as you never started this f--ker in the first place. Me? I started it. Twice.

But you started this review, dammit, and now you've got to finish it. Here are the Yays and Boos. They've had a tremendously fibrous dinner and twelve cups of coffee. *pulls back sheet and pats bed*

SLJ, moderately disappointed he's not gonna get eaten by a shark in this one.
  • I'm sure it's a trap, but every preview I saw before Cell was badass. Fine, maybe those flicks suck too, but my standards going in were pretty f--king low. (Urge...The Trust...Backtrack, etc.)
  • Like, it's basically dumb as f--k, but the opening chaos (though amazing in the book!) is a good time. We get a cop eating his dog, a chef stabbing people, and some chick smashing her head into a wall over and over, to name a few (and it's all kind of's hysterical).
  • Alice, who I haven't mentioned, is a pretty cool character. When they find this PYT, she's covered in blood. Her mom's blood. Uh....this is awkward...should I say something?
  • Oh my goodness, I've said things like I wish I could line up all my students on a soccer field and run them over but I never thought I'd actually see someone do it. Oh, and just kidding by the way. Jeez. I'm not a psycho or anything. It was a football field.
  • Stacy Keach plays the Headmaster of an uppity private school. doesn't end well for him. For us? His end is great.
  • I'm assuming at least fifty percent of the film's budget went into acquiring the rights to Anita Ward's Ring My Bell. Good thing that f--king song rules!
  • In all seriousness, there's a pretty sweet heart-to-heart between Clay and Alice that I thoroughly enjoyed. Actually gave the movie a little weight for a second or two.
  • Usually leaning your head quietly against a door in a horror movie is a bad idea. *calculator noises* Wait. No, no. It's still a really bad idea. F--k!
  • Dude, Zombie Canary is possibly the coolest f--king thing I've ever seen. Though, that's no way to treat your brother (even if he wants to eat your face).
  • That jump scare got me. Goodness!
  • And finally, f--k that guy in his red-hooded sweatshirt. Though I adored that creepy f--ker's fate endlessly, I wasn't a fan of his general creepy-ass shenanigans.
Oh, you'll go to school today, Missy.
  • It's probably worth seeing this entire movie just to watch John Cusack flail away from imaginary bullets for what feels like twenty minutes (I'd have the same reaction if there was a bee near my sandwich).
  • Dude, the Yo, bro guy was f--king terrible. I actually felt for the zombies that killed him, because I'm assuming he tastes like asshole.
  • The creepy mobs/flocks are kinda silly, no? About as intimidating as a like, ten Best Buy employees eating at the same Taco Bell. But waaaay faster.
  • There's one point when our heroes are being chased by a dangerous horde and they hide under a grounded boat to escape. In a movie set in Boston, this seems like a surefire Boo.
  • The simultaneous O-face of 1,000 people is sadly amusing...when it's supposed to be scary.
  • What the Hell was with all those a-holes at that restaurant. Some odd denizens to say the least. Apparently, they only serve overwhelming douchers.
  • Yikes. I think in the book it was a cinder block, which was terrible enough, but here? It's a bat. To the head.
  • Those campground Massholes were the worst. Accurate, sure, but still terrible.
  • Good thing that kid had sixteen sets of Alphabet Letters to compose a note to his dad. Even though I don't listen to hip-hop, I'm assuming the prior message on the fridge was the entire Emancipation Proclamation.
  • And finally, that f--king ending. Am I supposed to be happy? Am I supposed to know what the f--k actually happened? Because I'm neither. (if I do recall correctly...the novel had a real dick-punch ending, too)

As far as Stephen King movies g---- Oh, shit. You're reading this on your laptop, aren't you? Or on your desktop at work, at least, right? Either way is fine, really, as long as you're not...f--k.

As long as your not reading it on your phone.

What did I tell you about f--king cell phones? They're going to be the end of you. They'll turn your brain into shit and that's when you're reading well-written, carefully-chosen words. Two Dollar Cinema?

Oh, you're f--ked.


  1. lol I love this review. Any movie that even partially resembles The Happening, I'm going to nope right out of.

    *goes to youtube to look for killing montage*

    1. Hahahaha...thanks! You're probably best to nope the Hell out of this one real quick, but there are a few moments of good ol' fashioned so-bad-they're-great moments.

      Good luck finding them on YouTube (I mean that genuinely...though it reads like I'm a dick)!

  2. LOL, what? This is a movie...? For real? I remember when this book was released. I was subscribed to EW at the time and King wrote a column in there and he advanced the first chapter in the magazine seemed awful.

    But, let's face it, King isn't really a great writer.

    1. Whoa whoa whoa...'awful'? That seems a bit harsh. I'm not much of an informed reader (I read books like I watch movies...whatever, whenever), but this novel (and uh, many other King novels) was a good read. Sure, the end sucked hard, but I was stoked and horrified along the way.

      But that's coming from me. And I'm not really a great writer.

    2. LOL, I didn't mean that as any sort of insult. I know lots of people who adore King, and he's an entertaining writer, but I wouldn't say he's any sort of literary genius. Successful, but sort of trashy. He's like the Matthew McConaughey of authors...widely known and entertaining but one note and thinly talented.

  3. Hahahahaha, man your posts crack me up. I agree with most of what you said. I liked it a little better than you I think, and I actually thought some of it was a bit creepy. But like you say, its interesting initially. After the first 20-30 minutes shit just kinda.... I dunno, the pacing of this film is all off. And yeah, what was creepy becomes something that is unintentionally funny.

    I did enjoy it though. I liked the book a lot more though!

    Oh, and I had to laugh at your crack at Cusack. Good stuff

    1. I watched this whole thing through heavy eyelids, so honestly, I was pretty pissed at it for keeping me awake (I had to rent it twice, ffs). That said, I wanted to like it more than I did, but it really wasn't that good. The whole journey to Maine lacked drama. You knew they were going to make it was kind of boring.

      The book, surprising no one, was waaaaay better.

      Hahaha...f--king Cusack. I love that guy, but...

  4. oh, and all I can say is 'bloody oath' to what you said about the ending. What the fuuuuuck was that all about???

    1. Bloody oath!!! (hahaha...I had to look that up)

      I have no idea what they were thinking. I read King knew people were pissed at the ending of the book...and then went with this.