You're all barely-functioning, self-absorbed weirdos.

A couple weeks back, my good friend Dunphy finally got married to his long-time girlfriend, Julie.

And while it looks to be one of the last weddings I'll attend (that I'm not paying for), I learned some valuable lessons that late-fall evening that I'd like to share with you, if that's okay.

• Do get a wedding card at Wal-Mart on the way, as no one really gives a f--k about a piece of folded cardboard (especially if you write that you got it at Wal-Mart inside the card).
• Do eat beforehand, even if it's at a gas station, as no one wants to be that guy just f--king killing hors d'oeuvres at the reception.
• Don't forget your dress shoes at work, as no one should wear Converse sneakers to a wedding that isn't a little kid or fat, mustachioed hipster. (I'm neither...for the most part).
• Don't change your entire outfit while driving down a fairly busy Schuylkill Expressway, as it's not only unsafe, but it's borderline impossible to not look like an unemployed gigolo upon your arrival.
• Don't enter the front doors of the church, as you'll pretty much be a part of the ceremony. The worst part. 

But most importantly? Like, tattoo this shit on your f--king arm and never forget it level of importance? 

• Don't, as a married man with kids, absolutely don't... go to a wedding...without a f--king date.

While my wife bailed on me for Dunphy's wedding, she hung in all the way through the decidedly-average raunch-com, Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates. Essentially a movie I pledged never to see, Mike and Dave ends up being charming enough and watchable, thanks solely to, well, Mike and Dave.

Handsome man-children that they are, older brother Mike (Adam Devine) and younger brother Dave (Zac Efron) simply can't be trusted at family events. And when their baby-sister announces she's having a destination wedding in Hawai'i (naturally), the gang's father demands his sons get their shit together. The deal? Bring respectable girls to the wedding, or stay the f--k away.

But Mike and Dave don't know any respectable girls, silly goose, (who knew being young and handsome was such a downer), so before going to bed they throw an ad on Craigslist and assume a few ladies will hit 'em up in the morning. But that shit totally goes viral, and soon enough, Mike and Dave are the talk of D-list New York. 

Catching wind of this potentially free trip to the most lovely state in the Union, are two hardcore stoner chicks, Alice and Tatiana (Aubrey Plaza and Anna Kendrick, respectively). This pair may look the part of nice girls you could bring home to Mom (after hosing them down 12 Monkey's style, anyway), but surprising no one, they ain't. Unless your mom's into 27 year-old women that act like eighth grade boys, of course. Oh, she is? Soooo...you wanna hang out later, or...stuff?

Surprising no one that saw the momentarily ubiquitous trailer, things go awry when it's revealed that Alice isn't a schoolteacher and Tatiana isn't, uh, whatever the f--k she claims to be. Yep, turns out it won't be the guys that ruin their sister's special day. Hmm. I wonder if after a late-inning implosion, if everyone will ultimately rally together, save the day, and learn a heart-warming life-lesson about love and family?

In a movie about getting married, it's fitting these guys are holding their own balls.
Their own blue balls.

 Speaking of the most obvious ending ever, here are the Yays and Boos. F--k just weddings, these two need dates to just about everything. Except to their funeral, of course (which I'm trying extra hard to prevent, dammit).

Huddle up, everyone. We need a plan.
Okay, does anyone know a functioning adult?

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

• Look, I'm not gonna lie to you, I basically have a thing for Zac Efron. But even more dreamy? Rick from Melbourne.
• Anna Kendrick is soooo hot/adorable (ew, bad combo, I now realize), even if she's playing a very dirty, possibly illiterate Hello Kitty fairy.
• anyone describing themselves as well read is awesome enough, but when you support such a claim with having completed most of the Goosebumps series? Love is love is love.
• I've always wanted to participate in Movie Speed Dating, you know? In like, three hilarious minutes, you get to meet the strangest f--kers imaginable (Racist Dog Lady?). Fingers crossed I bump into Lady With Titty Out.
• Old Tomato/ultimatum.
• So is this the world-record for Awkward Whispering? Has everything Christian Bale said as Batman finally been dethroned?
• Yo, gay cousin Terry is the best. Okay, kinda the worst...but like, also really f--king great.
• Everyone's undying affection for Jurassic Park made me wish I was ten years younger (I'm also [technically] wishing for more hair and less gut, too).
• Even though it was mostly given away in the preview, the whole ATV catastrophe scene still delivered in a big way.
• I should know the guy's name at this point (because he's f--king awesome), but clearly, I'm an idiot, so let me just, again, post to the internet my insane level of adoration for Richard from Veep. This guy has cornered the market on OCD-related badassery.
• Slamming a door can be quite cathartic, releasing a lot of the anger and frustration of the moment. But slamming a screen door? Well...
• Possibly cancer or not, that was a Hell of a massage...
• Dude, the sister's squeaky, chipmunk voice is amazingly sexy. (Is there something wrong with me? I mean, something else?)
• Soundtrack HOF candidate? I Believe in a Thing Called Love by...whoever the f--k sings that song (is it The Darkness, or am I making that up?).
• And finally, as ultimately sad as this may be, I watched this one with my wife. Alone. On a very special day to the both of us. Eight years and two kids later, this is where we've found ourselves: barely awake, watching a lame movie in our shitty living room, and absolutely thrilled about it.

One bad apple...

Booooooooo!

• So, these two chicks are broke and jobless annnnd they go out for drinks. In a city. The f--k?
• Bro-shit is super annoying when f--king dudes do it. But when ladies do it? Infinitely worse (does that make me a douche for saying that?).
• Man, what was with Maid of Honor chick? Damn.
• I never really bought the idea that Alice wouldn't throw Mike a courtesy Howard Johnson, let alone just sleep with the poor bastard.
• Okay, now I'm pissed, too. What is a push-pop, Mike? F--king tell me already!
• I'm not one to turn my head at a beautiful naked women, but, yeah. I turned away. [insert Wookiee call here]
• What the f--k, Horse? Get out of the way, you beautiful creature. You're blocking my view of something I'd never look away from [insert Church Choir noise here]
• Lavender Juicebox. Oh my...
• Chris Rock really needs to step up his speech-assist game, as Terry's material was pretty f--king lame.
• And finally, even though I like her as an actress (she's super funny), I absolutely hated the shit out of Aubrey Plaza in this one. Yes, Alice is the worst person alive, but my God, that voice? Make it stop.

So now that all my friends are married, I think I can go ahead and (sadly) close the book on wedding attendance (and what typically happens after attended weddings). Then, the next thing to show up for is seeing the baby, which surprising no one, my wife is always up for.

You know what? The next time we have to go see a newborn? Maybe I'll let her go without a date.


It's not like she needs one.