Monday, June 5, 2017

Fighting does not make you a hero.

I have a penis. And a brain, too.

I'm not 100% sure which one is bigger (or which one I use more), but that's a discussion for another day. Perhaps even another blog. 

Sometimes the top floor and the bottom floor work together, and sometimes they don't. While I consider myself smart enough to know that I'm not terribly intelligent, one thing I know for sure is that yes, I have a dick, but no, I'm definitely not a dick. 

And all nonsense means what, exactly? Well, obviously...

...that means I loved Wonder Woman. Loved almost every single thing about it. 

I love that it's simultaneously breaking records and smashing barriers, love that it will likely open doors for many more female-centric superhero movies (fingers crossed for Squirrel Girl). But, yeah, what I loved the most? Watching one of the most beautiful women in the world kick f--king heaps of ass. Yeah. I loved that too.

Why someone would ever doubt a female director (or a female writer) is beyond me, and beyond stupid. But I certainly thought it was fair to doubt a Wonder Woman movie. Initially. 

First, it's part of the DCEU, which instantly had my Shitty Movie Sense tingling. Second, and perhaps even more damning, is that all I knew of the Wonder Woman character came from watching my two older pervy brothers snicker their way through episode after episode of the Linda Carter television series (when we were kids). Invisible Jet? Lasso of Truth? The outfit that would make a stripper blush? This is a joke, right? No way this is going to work.

But then we all saw Batman v. Superman [review]. And Gal Gadot's Wonder Woman was the best part. By a mile.
The way she's looking at the sword? That's how I felt during every single action sequence.
Director Patty Jenkins nails everything a superhero's origin story should be: interesting, accessible, and above all else, fun. Sure, Diana/Wonder Woman's story is filled with the occasional bit of serious business, but the conflict can't ever fully envelop a character so full of innocence, compassion and understanding. Oh, it's not to say that she won't kick the f--king shit out of you, she will, it's just that when she does it, it seems more...purposeful. She ain't from around these parts, and she ain't got time to sit around and discuss plans or the right way to do something. Nope. The world is a terrible place.

And she's going to fix it. All of it.

Also desperately in need of a woman's touch, are the Yays and Boos. With the success of the female-driven Wonder Woman and infinite radness of the insanely gritty Logan [review], wethinks it's time for a hard-R action movie, led by kickass, slightly bedraggled Atomic Blonde, perhaps?
femme fatale.

I hope that we've been totally wrong about what Death looks like.

  • Ah, that old picture. I love it so much (even if I didn't remember that Chris Pine was actually in it).
  • Okay, so the girl that played young Diana was impossibly adorable, right? Goodness. Did Wonder Woman ever have an awkward phase?
  • So, with all these tall chicks, doing cool flips and kicking ass left and right, let me get this straight, um, Wonder Woman's from heaven? 
  • As soon as I saw Zeus on the screen, I whispered to myself, totally showing this in Social Studies next year. Don't judge me.
  • Speaking of, that painting was cool as shit. Actually made me wish I sprung for the 3D showing (turns out, there was a lot I wanted to see with added depth [oh, shut it]).
  • I'll probably say it again, but just in case I give up coherent thoughts shortly, I'm not sure I've ever seen a more beautiful woman in my life.
  • Usually plane crashes are the worst. Usually. I guess it took Captain Kirk a couple of centuries to really nail the concept of flight.
  • Remember how Baywatch [review] took place entirely on a beach and totally sucked balls? Wonder Woman spends five minutes on the beach. And is nine million times better than everything about Baywatch.
  • But it's really hot! I'm pretty sure Pine's Steve Trevor was talking about the lasso, or he could have gone full Gollum for a second. Either way, I support this.
  • That was a pretty nice bath, wasn't it? I mean, outside of all the naked Chris Pine, showing how totally f--king jacked he is. Screw it, that's also a Yay.
  • You let this little thing tell you what to do? Oh, have so much to learn. *whispers* She was talking about his watch, a-hole. Ohhhhhhh.
  • The whole sleeping together scene was really funny. I probably would have laughed out loud, you know, assuming I could actually make a sound while considering laying next to Gadot.
  • Her reaction to seeing a baby was priceless. (As was her reaction to ice cream, and, uh...just about everything) *sigh*
  • The shopping montage was heavenly. 
  • I adored the whole ragtag crew they formed, too. Sameer (Said Taghmaoui, kicking ass) and Ewan Bremner (forever Spud) ruled, but give me more Chief anyday (Eugene Brave Rock!).
  • The action never disappoints. The constant speeding up and slowing things down was consistently exhilarating. And for f--k's sake, she's so damn strong, she makes Batman look like a total bitch.
  • I'd almost feel bad for that sniper, you know, if I hadn't been so f--king elated at how he (likely?) died.
  • The final (final) battle was the right kind of ridiculous. So much fire, so much destruction! The only thing that took me out of it was that I spilled my drink in my lap. Wait. What do you mean I didn't have a drink? Then how did my lap get so w--ohhhhhhhhhh. Right. Carry on, then.
  • And finally, there is nothing quite like a) anticipating a big summer movie. Then b) hearing that movie get damn near universally praised. And the absolute jubilation of c) the movie fully delivering in every way possible. I'm not saying that Wonder Woman is going to be the best movie of the summer, but I doubt I'll have a better time. 
  • What the Hell was with the trailers? Let's just say that Wish Upon absolutely terrified my son, and 47 Meters Down didn't do him any favors either. Goodness.
  • Uh, Diana, when you bring your hands together and shoot out a wave of energy, uh, you're supposed to yell Sonic Boooom! Or at least, Yoga Fire!
  • Jesus, someone hand Dr. Poison a pillow case or something. She's scaring the children. And that one guy in row D. The one taking notes like an asshole.
  • I'm above average. Really, Steve? I mean, now you're just showing off.
  • Even when you're a f--king goddess, your mom can still guilt trip the Hell out of you.
  • So that's how cocaine was invented! (honestly, what the Hell was that stuff? What did it do? And why was it only prescribed for that one f--ker?)
  • Damn, London. You's quite the smokey shithole, no? I was half-rooting for a bunch of chimney sweeps to show up and have an eighteen-minute rooftop dance off.
  • Did I miss something, or did Diana threaten Amazonian dance moves? *crosses fingers for seven-hour director's cut*
  • Getting to the gala was pretty easy, no? I mean, you just kind of walk through a field and Boom! Party time!? Uh, okay.
  • Uh, and at the party? Our boy Steve has to hit on a certain lady doctor. Yikes.
  • But clearly no one's paying attention to anything other than a certain Amazonian goddess. And, Hell, they're not even paying attention that closely, as uh, she's wearing a giant sword.
  • Does Chris Pine have it in his contract that he has to ride a motorcycle like an asshole? Asking for a friend.
  • And finally, even though I appreciate that the ultimate price was paid, not gonna lie that I was a bit crushed that we lost a member of the team along the way. Boo.

Ladies, I'm never going to speak for you, and honestly, I probably shouldn't even speak to you. I'm just a dumb guy writing a dumb blog. If you're stoked that there's finally a rad female superhero, then I'm stoked for you. I'm not gonna stand shoulder-to-shoulder with you, and pretend that I fully get it, though. I don't.

I loved the movie because it's a badass flick starring a hot ass chick. I'm gonna do all that I can to not overthink it.

With either head.


  1. I loved this, except for the climax. The motorcycle thing made me lol. Pine was really kind of just another Captain Kirk here.

    1. Dammit. You and Dell are threatening to make me think less of that scene. Good thing I'm a moron who doesn't recognize sound logic when I see it.

      Why? Why does he have to distract people with his motorcycle prowess? Or at least, why does he have to do it again. I swear, if I ever see him tool around on two wheels again, I'm chucking my drink at the screen in protest.

  2. I loved this movie (and that final battle was glorious). The villains however were weak and I didn't even bother hating them. Other than that, it's a really great movie.

    1. YES! GLORIOUS is the right word!

      But, I'm with you...the villains were weak, even if I was totally afraid of Dr. Poison's mask-thing. Goodness. Smart as she is, she has to cobble a mask to be worn on her face out of old Barbie doll legs? Yeesh.

  3. I loved just about everything about it, too, except that final battle. Too long, too tedious, too much talking, bad cgi. Still, I won't knock you for loving it, especially if it made your drink.

    1. That final battle was fine! Okay, it may have been silly at times, and entirely too much mid-fight dialogue, but I'll take it regardless.

      What can I say? People smashing each other with armored vehicles and such? Apparently, that's totally my thing.

  4. Mother of God if you had your own RF series I think the hole you just fell through with WW would be almost as entertaining and disturbing to watch swallowing you while you are describing the sensation in weekly useless column as me with Logan. This is whole lot of...appreciation for lovely Gal here. That drink spilling paragraph...I'd judge but there is a bullet point about robotic sex dolls in next RF so I have no right to judge anyone.

    That party scene! First I kept thinking about that chick that will wake up naked in the woods. And then I was like....dudes, there is a big-ass sword on her back, why is no one seeing that?!

    1. Entertaining and disturbing? That's what I've been going for for six years. Glad to know I may have finally climbed that mountain. Though when my kids grow up and read this, assuming the world hasn't gone straight to Hell, they might feel more disturbed and (much) less entertained by the drink-spilling paragraph. Sorry, kids!

      Hahaha...I forgot that someone will end up naked in the words, but I don't feel too bad for her. I mean, how'd she get naked? DIANA TOOK HER CLOTHES OFF, that's how.

      Yeah, it's quite the fashion accessory, the 3-ft broadsword. I should get one for my wife for Christmas.

    2. I forgot but - Squirrel Girl:
      "But as of a few years back, she's been depicted as a former fling of noted philanderer Wolverine — she even occupies a special spot in his psychic sex dungeon."

      oh my sweet Lord Jesus did my Broadway play idea evolved now.

    3. What do I need to get a front row seat? (Or a backstage pass?)

      Looks like I'm going to have to leave the kids home, huh?

  5. Great film. I did have an issue with how they depicted the First World War (it ain't a good vs evil war!) but enjoyed the film. Gal Gadot faultless in her performance.

    1. Totally with you! Goodness, I was in such a daze, had you asked me what war this took place during, I don't think I could have come up with it. Or words. Words might have been too much.

  6. I was a little confused about the fact that WW comes to realize that Ares isn't the major's mankind who is influenced by the evil of Ares...she wants to end this senseless violence and killings...but she kills a hell of a lot of people, right? I dunno...I had a lot of complaints with this movie. Check out my review if you get a chance...yours was great :)

    1. Hahahaha....yeah, she's kind of not helping, is she? But, at least when she's not laying waste to droves of opposing soldiers...she's like, totally sweet about babies and ice cream. Aww.

      I'm heading over to your review asap! Thanks!!

  7. Loved it! And I totally had a lady boner for not just Pine but Galdot as well. Like, she was so gorgeous but also badass.. ugh, I wish I was that badass.

    I had a few things I didn't like about it but it definitely doesn't matter in the long run because one thing is clear, this is the best DCU movie ever.

    1. I'm with you on all fronts. Even the lady boner. ESPECIALLY the lady boner.

      'Best DC' movie ever is kind of like saying the least painful punch to the dick, but yeah, this one easily wins that title. I think the pressure is totally on the JL movie now. And everything after that.

      Now, unrelated, but bring on THOR! (my next most anticipated CBM)