Saturday, October 17, 2020

It's not my first time seeing someone die.

Have you ever found out the year someone was born and you're instantly furious, or are you not a giant creeper idling around nearby parks in your unmarked van? Because let me tell ya, it's the worst feeling. Oh, and I know that awful bullshit that some a-holes say, you know, about age being a just a number and such. But you know what else is a just a number?

The length of a prison sentence.

In the first flick, the ultra-ridiculous The Babysitter [review], I spent the majority of the runtime drooling over the lovely Samara Weaving, who played Bee, the titular sitter of babies. Weaving, at the time, was in her mid twenties, so, yeah, I'm a still a perv, but like, the bridge I live under is pretty nice. You should stop by sometime.

This time around, in The Babysitter: Killer QueenBee's gone, and the lead actress is Emily Alyn Lind who is also pretty lovely FOR AN ABSOLUTE CHILD. Obviously, she looks young, but typically everybody in movies does (or old, because this is a high school flick), but Lind straight up is a high school girl. *shudder* Her sexiness would have been super appreciated two decades ago. Now, I just feel like an infinitely less charming and handsome version of Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused. Except at this point, I'm pretty much Wooderson's dad for f--k's sake.

Speaking of not alright alright, that's the general vibe from critics regarding this film, with the consensus being it sucks a giant bag of (age-appropriate) dicks. While it's not as good as the first, I still found it an absolute blast and would enthusiastically recommend it. To fellow perverts.

I'm going to type some words, but you're not going to read them.

In the two years since Cole straight-up killed the shit out of his babysitter Bee, everything has changed. Okay, fine, nothing has changed, except Cole's an absolute f--king monster (he's, like, doubled in size). While I believe anything people a foot taller than me say, unfortunately, no one buys what poor Cole is selling. Not even his (f--king rad) parents. And when that murderous satanic cult comes back for our dude's untainted blood? At least he'll have his bestie Melanie (Lind, ugh) with him.

Oooh, about that...

Speaking of things that need further explanation, how's about you and I ring the doorbell of the Yays and Boos? I hear they give out the full-size bars, which is surprising. But I'm not exactly sure that's chocolate...

This crew is somehow...well...pretty f--king cool.

  • God, Cole got big. Well, I guess everybody did in one way or another.
  • Holy shit, Nurse Guy is tremendous. I've never really considered getting a life coach...
  • Phoebe, the New Girl, is shockingly fantastic. Her initial intro is a little much, but she f--king rules.
  • Say what you want about all of this, but can't argue with Leslie Bibb and Ken Marino playing Cole's incredibly incredible parents. I think I might have sexually dry elbows, too.
  • Juan, Melanie's dad, was a f--king prick the first time around. Now? Well, for whatever reason, he's mellowed out exponentially. Oh, he's still a jerk, but the kind you might want to get high and play video games with.
  • Coming in a narrow second place with the old guy from No Country for Old Men, this flick's Gas Station Attendant is the low-key MVP of the entire story. While she might not have as much valid concern as the dude that Chigurh told to call it, she speaks words of wisdom. Oh, and she's way hotter than that old guy, too. Way hotter.
  • The script is full of nerdy references, but none tickled my pickle more than some love for Pee Wee's Big Adventure.
  • Holy f--king shit, Cop Guy? I rewatched his bit immediately and I almost choked to death laughing my ass off. He gives the best worst performance I've ever seen. He straight up plays his role like he could give a f--k, and I loved every stupid second of it.
  • Okay, seriously? This film has one of the dopest soundtrack's ever. Just top-to-bottom sonic goodness.
  • And another feather in its cap? The level of over-the-top violence. I didn't think it could get more splattery than the first flick...but I'm also clearly an idiot. So, yeah.
  • Andrew Bachelor needs to be in more shit. Don't even care if it doesn't make sense. Just cast this mofo asap.
  • And as much as The Black Guy rules, Shirtless Guy (Max?) easily gets co-MVP with him. The fact that he's making the ch-ch-chhh noises from Friday the 13th is just the tip of the iceberg, with this f--ker, trust me.
  • Getting shot in the tit probably sucks. But getting shot in the tit again? Oh, that's fantastic.
  • Are you done sixty-nineing? 
  • Wow, a Joe Exotic reference? That
  • I know it's not for everyone, but McG's insane ability to maintain a level of inspired debauchery must be commended. I'd stop by his house and thank him personally, but I doubt he'd come out side to accept it (poor dude).
  • And finally, f--k it, it looks like they're making another one and I'm telling you now, I'm absolutely here for it. I haven't had any shame in the first forty-plus years of my life, can't see that changing anytime soon, you know?
Wow. That took a turn.
Two minutes in heaven, turned into an entire night from Hell.

  • Look, even if you don't believe Cole, this dude is clearly worth hanging out with. Shit, his wardrobe alone is king shit.
  • Ooh, that surfboard shit looked pretty brutal. Pretty sure that's the scene that Willis and Wayans were talking about at the end of The Last Boyscout (anyone?).
  • Hiding under the car? Are you serious? That might have been the worst hiding spot I've ever seen. And I have kids (you ever play hide-and-seek with a toddler? those a-holes [mostly] close their eyes and they think they're invisible).
  • Look, I laughed, hard, but Allison murdering animals for thirty-seconds straight was pretty harsh.
  • People's heads literally explode in this movie, but the scene that calls for drinking from a goblet was, for whatever reason, impossible to pull of convincingly.
  • And finally, if you're going to end a movie featuring Samara Weaving with most of the cast just blowing up randomly, it's kind of a shame that not only have we seen this exact thing before, but also that we've seen it done infinitely better. 
At this rate, I think I can probably pull off one or two more horror films before the end of the month (I'm sitting on two as it is), and hopefully, the monsters are on screen holding a knife, not on the couch holding the remote.

Okay, enough. I'm probably being too hard on myself. I mean, I'm just a guy, right? 

A creepy, creepy guy.


  1. The soundtrack was amazing, but that was pretty much the only thing I liked about this film. The first one was great, but this one disappointed me.
    Anyhow, great review!

    1. Well, Hell, we definitely agree on the soundtrack (it's killer), and that the first one was, I think we're good here, right?

      Thanks for comment, and the kind words. I totally appreciate it!

  2. Loved the first, but I just couldn't get with this one. The original already mashed the gas pedal to the floor. This time, McG pushed that mfer through it which would've been fine except it felt like he lost control of it.

    1. Really? I also loved the first one, and this one was also my jam.

      But, Dell, the way you described the sequel? That shit literally made me laugh out loud. good.

  3. I never used to Google ages until I realised an actor I drooled over was 5 years younger than me, now I do it all the time just to torture myself, I guess.
    Playing hide and seek with a toddler is hilariously frustrating! Mine likes to take it in turns to hide, but if I hide in a spot she doesn't approve of man do I get told off.

    1. Ah, five years older is all good in my book. But how about double? Or, worse, slightly more than double? That's not even's criminal. Yikes.

      Hahaha, playing hide and seek with little ones is ridiculous. Not only do they make the rules up as they go, but if they're really good at hiding, it will literally KILL ME.

      (there's an epic story in my family about my cousin hiding from his mom when he was like four or five, and after the search and rescue party sadly tells my aunt 'we've looked everywhere, ma'am' my cousin triumphantly, seemingly out of nowhere, "NOT UNDER THE COUCH!")