Thursday, October 1, 2020

Let the madness begin.

If concerts were still a thing, and you and I went to one, we should probably have that pre-show conversation before we get out of the car. No, not the one about what song we hope they open with, nor the one about how many people you're going to hook up with in a drunken haze, but the one where we nail down our rendezvous point when the show's over. My vote's the port-a-pottys near the trees, but if you want to meet near the homeless guy in the wheelchair, that works too.

Assuming, you know, neither one of us gets murdered by a satanic cult. Or Republicans.

I think the cool kids would call my watching of We Summon the Darkness a thirstwatch, and I'm all for it. It wouldn't be the first time. Once again, I skanked the meanest pickle directly into the mosh pit that is Alexandra Daddario's filmography, and this time? My nose isn't bloody, my shirt isn't ripped. Hell, it was actually kind of.. fun?

When the flick begins, even though it feels like a decade later, we're told it's 1988. Three sexy ladies are heading to a metal show somewhere in the Hoosier state, when news breaks that a satanic cult has once again murdered innocent people. Death count is now at eighteen. The girls blow it off, but when they meet some potentially sketchy dudes pre-gaming it outside of their date rape-y van, not only are freak flags flying, but red ones are, too.

In a move that almost jettisoned me from my couch, the girls are into these dudes, and these bootleg Jack Black-types get the invite to Daddy's house in the middle of nowhere. Daddy's big ass house. Uh, y'all sure about that?

From there, the shit hits the fan, though in a way that many of you will probably see coming a mile away. Me, I wasn't thinking with my big head, and what goes down next totally knocked me on my ass. No, it wasn't an unnecessary shower scene set to Quiet Riot's Bang Your Head, though that would have been (pathetically) appreciated, but instead a fairly grisly murder. Yeah, turns out the darkness that was summoned was like legit evil, where I was hoping it was a collective name given to Dadarrio's boobs. Though let's be honest, they're more like the sun.
Turn out, yes, please quickly becomes noooooo thanks.

While that level of nudity would have been a (glorious) surprise, the inevitable appearance of the Yays and Boos is not. I'm going to try to be as spoiler-free as possible, because I'm certain you haven't seen this, but also who gives a f--k, right? Because I'm just as certain you're probably going to keep it that way. 

*gasps*

Yaaaaaaaaaay!
  • Johnny Knoxville? Is that you?
  • These dudes are rightfully so stoked when they get the invite (even though there was no chance in Hell they were gonna score).
  • Okay, gonna go on the record here: that was the best 'never have I ever' scene...uh, ever.
  • Whoa, whoa...whoa. They're actually super-religious? Sweet Jesus, that's f--king incredible.
  • Speaking of incredible...do you see that picture to the left? *dies*
  • Look, this movie is all kinds of ridiculous, in good ways, bad ways and f--king tremendous ways. A certain awful character takes a knife the gut and it might be the most poorly acted death scene in the history of cinema. It's so amazingly terrible...I re-wound it like 17 times.
  • What I thought was the world's most cumbersome weed-whacker turns out to be a small boat propeller and trust me, that's f--king great news.
  • Belinda Carlisle's Heaven is a Place on Earth makes a very welcome appearance here, and dare I say, the soundtrack Hall of Fame? F--k it. It's in.
  • You can't have some idiot running around with their hair (digitally) on fire and not have a good time. Seriously. I checked the rules, you *have* to love it.
  • I realized I already mentioned the best worst death scene ever, but holy shit do we have a photo finish for second place. To be honest, it's not really all that close...because this time? The person doesn't stay dead (and also, I watched this like 52 times, too).
  • And finally, I'm 41 years old and still watching bad movies for bad reasons. Why is this a Yay? Guys, on paper, I'm a straight up adult. Like, you meet me on the street, you might even call me sir. And to that I say, Oh, yeah???
I should have been a dirtbag when I was younger.
Well, a bigger dirtbag.
Booooooooo!
  • It sounds like I'm a giant pussy, which I totally am, but why would you pull over in the middle of nowhere? It was a f--king milkshake, for f--k's sake.
  • You know that one lame chick that's bringing the whole vibe down? That's Beverly. She's the worst. Initially.
  • The first kill is super unfortunate. I mean, kill me, fine. But in the neck? In front of my friends? With a raging boner? Dick move, all around.
  • So, you break free...finally...and then you can't even leave the house? The f--k is this?
  • At some point my dream girl gets smashed in the face with a tray and I was not okay with it. Okay, fine, she was trying to murder some (mostly) innocent dude, but still.
  • Holy f--k, Stepmom was the worst. Just popped home for my passport, dear. And some cocaine. Toodles!
  • Finding incriminating shit in bad movies is generally the worst thing ever, but property deeds in the tool shed made me die inside a little bit.
  • Sherrif Guy shows up in his ill-fitting Party City uniform and this things goes from super hardcore Hallmark movie, to incredibly soft-core porno. He might as well have been a delivering a pizza while he was at it. Somebody order a large sausage?
  • And finally, I'm not going to be so pathetic and pervy to even bother mentioning the overwhelming lack of nudity. I would never. I've got too much respect for really sexy women to even mention it. *angrily buttons pants*
You know what? Change of plans. After the show, I don't care where we meet. I don't care who you hook up with. Life's too short. And if we end the night tied up at the hands of a satanic cult? F--k it. We had a good run. Besides, did you see the debate the other night?

The darkness has already been summoned.

9 comments:

  1. I am so here for all the thirst watching going on right now! If there's a movie around that will convince my husband to actually join me on the sofa rather than half-watch from his computer, THIS is it for sure.

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    1. Pretty sure the new Blogger interface hid this comment from me, dammit, but I'm glad I ultimately found it, Allie.

      I think any man alive would be in for more than half-watching it, so if you can convince him, let me know. It's a little (/A LOT) light on the naughty bits, but Dadarrio is in it...so, yeah. Totally worth it...even if the movie is uhhhh....not the greatest (but entertaining!).

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  2. *angerly buttons pants* lmao

    Daddario is so hot that it is absolutely okay that you thirst watched this. In fact, I might even thirst watch it eventually too.

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    1. For real, Brittani....FOR REAL. Like unfairly hot.

      (she totally peaked with True Detective, though...and that was like 100 years ago)

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  3. This is actually much better than a lot of other releases this year. Why is Daddario only cast in stuff like this tho :/

    How is Sunny going?

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    1. Oh shit, really? Welp, then I'm guessing I'm doing okay. I have no idea why she's not at least B-list, potentially teetering on something more, but here she is...appearing in all this weird Netflix stuff. Sigh.

      Sunny is sooo f--king ruthless, I love it. I'm probably only like 15 episodes in, but for me, that's a f--king miracle, honestly.

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    2. Ah so you already witnessed the greatness that is Frank Reynolds :D charlie pretending to be a war vet to get into that strip club was just too much to handle lol

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  4. I HAVE seen this. Didn't love it, but I did have fun. "Ill-fitting Party City uniform," is the best. Hilarious review, as always, friend.

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    1. HAhahaha...of course you have! That's FANTASTIC. I didn't love it myself, but it definitely kept me interested, you know? For a multitude of reasons...

      Thanks, man!

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