Monday, November 7, 2011

Start the punishment!

Tony Jaa, I love you. I do. I loved The Protector. That sequence at the end is legendary. I've never seen anything like it. But where my man-love truly began was on February 22nd, 2005. That was the night that I saw the original Ong-bak in the theater for the first time (I would see it again four days later with my younger brother, Nikos). Jaa ran across dudes heads and delivered countless devastating elbows to all parts of the body. There were flaming jump kicks and even a ridiculous double-knee drop from two-stories up. It. Was. Insane.

Thanks for the offer but my hands aren't going anywhere near your staff.
So, about all that goodwill? Gone. Ong Bak 3 is like a 90-minute Thai deodorant commercial. We get a shirtless Tony looking focused under a waterfall for what seems like an eternity. Yes, he does kick some ass (and it's decent), but not nearly enough to compensate for all the other nonsense. Not at all. If you like montages, this might be your frickin' Citizen Kane. Seriously, he trains for most of the movie. Not cool training either, where he kicks a tree for ten minutes, then punches someone's face through an elephant's tusk. But shitty training where he learns to uncurl his gnarled hands via interpretive dance, then hangs out in the crotch of a tree for a week. Not cool, Tony. This is no way to treat someone who loves you.

This poster is as exciting as the whole movie.
Is it all bad? Well, yes. Okay, some of the fights are cool (there's basically only three scenes). And thankfully, elephants are involved in the proceedings. But the list of cinematic travesties is too long to mention. Sounds like a challenge!
  • Fog battle? Bullshit. You will show fists landing. I have no imagination. I need to see everything.
  • Was that beard CGI? I mean the beheading was bad enough, but the Jesus-beard looked like it was glued on using elephant jizz. Shameful.
  • Crow Guy? Looked like a Thai Vince Neil. But with more mascara. And he never sings "Home Sweet Home." Lame.
  • Comic Relief Guy? I remember him being somewhat acceptable in the first one. But by the 3rd one he's just stupid. Even if he says balls. Actually, that's where I'd like to punch him.
  • What does this have to do with the first one at all? Tell me. No wait, don't. 
  • Written by Tony Jaa. Directed by Tony Jaa. Produced by Tony Jaa. Fight Scenes choreographed by Tony Jaa. That dump on your face? Tony Jaa did that, too.

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