You sure you're up for this?

That a shadow on the wall? Or a stain? One's scary, one's just gross.

I have to say this right out of the gate; I've never seen the first two Paranormal Activity movies. Nope. I started to watch the first one illegally online (my students told me where to go) and I got scared. First, because I thought the movie was genuinely eery, and second, because it was frighteningly simple to basically steal a movie. I'm all for lifting music, but film? That's sacred.

Anyway, who begins a trilogy with the third movie? I guess I'm that guy, but as far as I know - it doesn't matter. Apparently Paranormal Activity 3 is actually the beginning of the whole thing. Awesome, right? Right.

Three paragraphs in, let's discuss the movie, shall we? I had read some reviews prior, because in all honesty, I never thought I'd watch one of these movies, let alone the third one (can we say final? No. No we can't). Most professional reviews stated that it's too much of retread of the first two. The internet basically said, "Worst.Movie.Ever." Oh, Internet. You're so silly.

For me, alone in the theater on a Tuesday night, I was actually pretty nervous. These damn found-footage flicks are so quiet. You sit there and wait. And wait. Then, you wait some more. While that may drive 90% of you into a rage-induced frenzy, it got to me. Every swinging light or magically shutting door was what relaxed me. Waiting for that shit to happen? Madness, I tell you. Mad. Ness.

Perfect mix of creepy and sweet. But mostly creepy.

The little scares are decent, but probably tired to fans of the trilogy. Some of the bigger moments -which I won't spoil- are pretty damn shocking. Yeah, you probably saw them coming (you're so smart), but I was rattled. It got to the point where I didn't want anybody to go into the kitchen for anything. No midnight snack, okay, bitches? Damn oscillating-fan-cam heightened everything, too. It pans left and right so slowly, you have entirely too much time to think about what you might see. The tension was palpable.

Does it seem like I enjoyed this one? Damn. I think I liked it. Maybe even a lot. Certainly worth the $3 I shelled out.

Please don't think this one is perfect. It isn't. But, it's scary enough, if you allow it to be. If you sit there with your friends and trash all the ridiculousness (seriously, Dennis, you're running for your life, but you grab the camera...again? C'mon, dude), then it'll probably end up being a steaming pile of malodorous dog shit. But get in a cold, dark, almost-empty theater? And really focus...I don't know. It might not be dog shit you smell. That might be...you. 

Not to go eleven-year-old girl on you, but my 9th birthday was "Night #5" - that's some bonus points right there. Wonder what I asked for...

[Not to go eleven-year-old girl on you again, but after I submitted this, I heard a strange noise in my house (it's super-quiet, right now). Sounded like a dog toy being squeezed. My sleeping dog wakes up. A minute later, we hear the sound of my son standing on his crib mattress upstairs (it's after 11:30). My dog gets up, fur standing on back, and growls in the direction of the empty kitchen. But he won't go in it. Shit. Damn this movie. Damn it. And my son never moved!]