Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Witness Hell.

Well, alright. After my last theatrical experience was a little, um, girly, I decided to renew my man card and check out something a little more ass-kicking. No wolfboys. No pale-faced Gap models. Just countless guys being slaughtered in boner-inducing slo-motion. Yes kids, I'm talking about Immortals.

When I got to the theater tonight, I had a coupon for $3 off my ticket. Poor ticket-lady couldn't handle punching in the numbers and just printed out a free ticket and went back to texting. So, while reading this, please keep in mind that I paid nothing. At that point, I'm already giving it a B, and I haven't yet seen a Titan have his head smashed into a wall. Just a disclaimer, if I seem too joyous.
Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.
The plot is simple: Bad guy wants to be a god. Gods aren't cool with this. One man has the power to change this, but he just wants to keep to himself. Too bad, holmes. A hot oracle chick, flower intact, has had a vision. It's on you, Theseus. Good thing you're jacked. And pissed. And your trainer? He might be the Ancient Greek equivalent of frickin' Yoda. Lots of cryptic advice + secret ability to tear asses in half.

Though I found the plot serviceable, it really doesn't matter. I hate to be that guy, but tonight I wanted blood. And though I stick to the fact that there wasn't enough action, when it occurred it was indeed ball-splattering. Yeah. Ball. Splattering.

Before I jump into this, let me actually defend the 3D. Most of this was shot in 2D and converted in post, but the director and the cinematographer planned it that way. They weren't simply going for the cash grab (well, maybe they were). Regardless, I thought it brought a lot to the visuals, which are downright incredible at times.
I'd ask you to sit down, but you're not going to anyway.
Since it's late as shit and I have to give a test in less than 8 hours, let's break it down into the oh my goodnesses and the really's?

Oh my goodness!
However lame this looks, is exactly how badass they are.
  • The prologue looked very cool in 3D. Though the Titan's box-thing looked like a gay bar in the year 5000.
  • Let me enlighten you, Priest. Mickey Rourke: Master of the double entendre.
  • I think when you behead a guy, you are obligated to kick his body off of the highest cliff. It's like, courteous.
  • Oldboy tongue removal! High five on that!
  • First Theseus rampage? Like Christmas morning. I was that giddy.
  • I could watch the gods fight for the rest of my life. It's like the best videogame ever made in the history of mankind. Times ∞.
  • Pre-tunnel speech + tunnel battle = Yes.
  • Costumes? And the Oscar goes to...
I imagine this might interfere with your peripheral vision.
Really, Immortals?
  • Trees are cool and all, but in the foreground? Always? Seems showy.
  • Hey, I have this hyena. Interested? What can he do, you ask? He can growl. Yep. Oh, and snatch magical bows like a motherf----r. Sold!
  • And speaking of magical bows...that's where you hid it? Thanks, Mom!
  • What happens when the most powerful tidal wave in the history of the world hits? Nothing to the good guys. Well, hold on. They did get dirty.
I might start cranking out the reviews soon. Only because I'm going to lose my job in the morning. Solid plan, Mr. Brown. Staying up til 1:27.


  1. It’s probably one of the best-looking films of the whole year (yet, I still haven’t seen Tree of Life) and the action is awesome and in-you-face which is something I always like. The story dragged on a bit and I couldn’t help but think that if the writing was a tweaked a little better, this would have definitely been a very solid film. Instead it was just fun and pretty to look at. Good review.

  2. The big problem with the movie is that it can't make up it's mind if it wants to be '300' or 'Clash of The Titans'. But it's still damned entertaining and any movie directed by Tarsem is worth forking over the admission price just for the visuals.