Monday, February 20, 2012

Now, get right out of town.

For President's Day weekend I headed up to New England to see my cousins, Tony and Patrick. I used to live right down the road from these guys and I hadn't seen either of them since the middle of last year. Tony and I are pretty much the same age, and we've probably watched a thousand movies together. Patrick is younger (my sister's age) and I think he went with us only a handful of times (notably, Rocky Balboa and War of the Worlds). Now despite being family, we have, at times, vastly different tastes. See, the movie choice for Saturday night was their pick, and it was one I honestly thought I'd never, ever see (and I have zero standards). I give you Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star.

Swardson - to his credit, actually tries.
Oh, I had read reviews. I knew this was going to be terrible. The previews were laughably bad, and it stars, yes, stars,  Nick Swardson and Don Johnson. I mean the largest red flag ever sewn should have shot out of the ground like an alien tripod when those two names were on the marquee. But then there's that part of your mind that whispers, but it can't be that bad. True, it isn't that bad. It's a thousand times worse. And I was expecting God-awful...

So, not that you're going to watch this, but there are a few positives. In no particular order:
  • Christina Ricci: Yes, I feel bad for her, but everybody needs cash, so we're cool. Oh, one question in regards to Wednesday, hot...or super hot? Not sure, myself.
  • Boobs: Not enough to outweigh the awfulness, but at least they threw some in as a courtesy.
  • Macaroni commercial: I can't believe I just typed those words, but that scene did at least make me smile. Once. Well, almost once.
  • Bucky's accent: It got me a few times. Damn it.
But before that part of your brain says anything else, let's take a look at the meat of this spectacular shit sandwich. In chronological order, no less...

They should burn all existing Oscars in protest.

Top 10 Worst Moments of Bucky Larson
  1. Opening Monatge: As if getting a DUI on a tractor isn't unfunny enough, we are subjected to a hillbilly farmer slathering peanut butter all over his junk and calling to his goats. That might sound funny, but no.
  2. Shouting uncontrollably can actually be funny. When Bucky's boss fires him from the grocery store, it's just painfully awkward and sad. Much like 99% of the runtime.
  3. Bucky's friends teach him to masturbate. Again, supposed to be funny.
  4. There's this scene where Bucky wakes up and makes noises at a pigeon. It's not in the vicinity of humorous. Did they actually write that in? And if they did, did they hire an editor? What was cut in favor of this? No, seriously. I want answers. I'm not joking. I'm furious.
  5. They actually went with a bug in the teeth joke.
  6. Stephen Dorff plays a guy named Dick Shadow. Ha ha, right? Too bad he's the worst character in a shitty movie. Though to be fair, Kevin Nealon finishes second in a photo-finish.
  7. Christina Ricci plays this woman who dreams of being a waitress. She has a backstory and everything. Read that again if you must, but holy f--k, right? Someone cooking that up is bad enough...but then someone else saying yes to it...maddening.
  8. Pauly Shore. This movie makes Son In Law look like the comedic equivalent of Inception, bud-dy.
  9. Ricci makes a homemade condom for Bucky and I swear I looked away because I was embarrassed for her career at that moment.
  10. This movie was directed by Tom Brady. That's twice in a month he's screwed me.


  1. I'm actually masochistic enough to seriously consider watching this just for funsies (or as my poppy would say, 'just for shits and giggles') to see how bad it is, despite seeing several online pleas from you and others to avoid it. I don't even have low-brow cousins to rent this for me. Did they get a kick out of it at least? :/ I guess it is just that (my unfailing cinematic masochism) that inspired me to watch all three "Human Centipede" movies and a good deal of Lars Von Trier and Michael Haneke's filmographies. Mind you, Haneke and Von Trier are brilliant men (I doubt I'll ever witness a finer performance than Emily Watson's in "Breaking the Waves,") but still. "Antichrist" + "Bucky Larson" + "THC3"= the perfect recipe for a successful suicide.

    1. You can watch this for shits and giggles, but trust me, that scale tips drastically to one side (and it ain't the giggles).

      Oh, my cousins still love to bring up how stupid/funny this movie is, but I just wave my hand at them in disgust.

      I'm 2/3 of the way through your proposed 'perfect suicide', but it's going to be awhile. I mean, I can't watch part two, if I haven't seen part 3. It would totally ruin the experience, I'm sure!

    2. Two has it's moments. Three is just an abomination. And no, they're actually pretty much stand-alone films ;)

      Don't do it. Avoid Final Sequence at all costs. Absolutely one of the WORST films I've had the displeasure of seeing. And I've seen a lot of shit. The script feels like it was written by a 12-year-old methhead with Down's Syndrome (with all due respect to methhead Down's Syndrome 12-year-olds, who in all honesty could probably write a script ten times better than Tom Six's.) Unless you think a series of racist slurs yelled by an angry German guy followed by Z-list actors screaming "Death Rape!" repeatedly in a prison environment (add the most misogynistic shit you can imagine and multiply it by a million) counts as a good, or passable excuse for a film.

      I'm actually Twitter friends with THC 2 & 3 actor Laurence R. Harvey (don't laugh, he's actually a really nice guy) and I don't have the heart to tell him how much #3 sucks.

    3. Hmmm. Both of these are on Netflix. Aw, shit. I could totally do this.

      I'm glad you said with all due respect because we get a lot methheaded twelve year-olds around here. That was totally gonna crush my pageviews...phew. Crisis averted!

      Look, you say 'worst movie I've ever seen' and I hear 'MUST WATCH MASTERPIECE'. It's true. I have nothing to say about good movies...I mean, what can I add? But total pieces of shit? They're my cup of tea. (a bit nuttty)

      I think you should tell Harvey. I'm sure he knows.

    4. Type in 'Simon Rumley' in the search engine. That's the director's name ;)

    5. Sorry, I meant to post that on your Human Centipede review. He's the director of The Living and the Dead. My mistake!