Wednesday, February 8, 2012

I'll catch you later.

A couple of weeks back I read an article on JoBlo about the top 10 Redbox rentals for 2011. People on the site were bashing the list, namely because the Adam Sandler flick, Just Go With It [review], was the number one rental for the year. Yes, it's easy to bash the average movie goer (you know, all those people who aren't as smart as the rest of us douchey, uppity, internet-types) and say that they love dumb shit. Now, yes, the masses do seem, at times, to love utter shit (Transformers: Dark of My Balls) [um, review]. That said, I'm not going to judge anybody. If you're at the grocery store and make a quick decision to watch something easy, well, just go with it.

Alright, Blogger Guy, what's the point? Well, last night I hit up the ol' Redbox and opted for last year's remake of Fright Night. I'm old enough to have seen the original back in the day, but I'm also old enough to have forgotten pretty much every detail from it. I can recall the cover of the VHS tape, if you really need specifics. But my mind instantly blends it with the cover of House.

Anyway, the point I'm beating to death is that Redbox is where I/we go for second and third-tier movies. If I really wanted to see it, I would've made a point to see it in the theater. Hell, with my promo code Fright Night came to a whopping thirty-two cents! Oh, and here's the list, if you're curious:

1. Just Go With It
2. No Strings Attached
3. Rango
4. The Dilemma
5. Due Date
6. Despicable Me
7. The Tourist
8. The Lincoln Lawyer
9. The Green Hornet
10. I Am Number Four

If you haven't figured it out by now, I thought that Fright Night sucked. That might be overstating it, but with the cast that was assembled, I thought they'd turn out something infinitely more inspired. The preview that Flem showed me months ago was pretty sweet, but somewhere along the way the wheels fell off this one.

The flick opens up with a pretty kickass scene. The silent dragging away of a body is absurd, but creepy/campy enough to really hook you. From there we get the introduction of Colin Farrell's relaxed vampire, Jerry. I think Farrell is usually pretty solid, and I found him hysterical early on. The constant use of Hey, guy slayed me every time. And it also helps that he's dressed like casual Friday Wolverine most of the time. Indeed.

Before we hit the breakdown, let me say that I was having a good time for at least the first third of the movie. But when the shit really hits the fan, nobody seems to really care. It's sort of, well, inconvenient, that their neighbor is killing all the kids at school. I mean, I get more upset when I let someone cross in front of my car and they don't do that polite half-jog/trotting thing. I mean would it kill you to pick up the pace? I could just run your dumb ass over, you know.

With that said, let's head to the Yays and Boos, Dr. Acula style.

This chick handles the whole vampire thing quite well.
  • Not a lot of competition, but give it up for creepiest attendance scene ever! Wish my homeroom had that many out. Just sick, not, um, turned.
  • McLovin is pretty much an honorary Frog Brother. And that's a good thing.
  • Lisa Loeb. Just because of Stay. Not because of the 3 minutes she's awkwardly in this one.
  • I love a good breastfeeding scene. Always have.
  • 99 Problems cover song thing was pretty rock solid.
  • Go-go dancer rescue scene! Hilarious.
  • Gas line scene! I'm going to ask my knife-throwing-in-ceiling fans brother about this. He's a gasman.
I'm telling you, everyone handles chaos like champs.
  • Vampires don't show up on video? Hmm. Okay.
  • 3D in 2D. That paint can was rad, bro! And the flying motorbike, pebble, sinking cross and various embers. Gnarly.
  • What does neglect smell like? My guess is poop.
  • Want to crash a Vegas show and head backstage? It takes just over thirty-seconds. Makes Danny Ocean look like a real bitch.
  • Hey, Scary Movie! When your characters say aloud that their cell phones don't get any coverage you've officially decided to blow dogs for quarters.
  • St. Michael's stake. Turns out his blessing is like a giant UNDO button. Thanks for that, Mike.
  • I don't think dressing like Chris Redfield makes you a better vampire hunter. Honest.
  • Not sure if this a real boo, but since when does turning into a vampire triple your breast size?
Bottom Line: If you want to watch something that isn't scary or funny (and lacks some horror-staple nudity), this might be for you. I might be overstating its awfulness, but it was such a wasted opportunity. Pass.

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