Saturday, February 11, 2012

The world, as we know it, will soon come to an end.

If there was ever a moment when humanity as a whole knew the world was going to end, it's safe to assume that their would be a collective sadness throughout the globe. People from all walks of life, vastly different ages and religious beliefs would gather to reflect on their lives before it all came crashing down in an instant. And judging by an almost eight-hundred million dollar global box office haul, millions of us would be regretting the same thing: the fact that we each wasted almost three hours watching the God-awful, 2012.

Just like that river twisting through a dusty land
I don't want to even get into the Mayan calendar ridiculousness. If you believe in it, awesome. I'm not sure you should be wasting precious time reading a crappy movie blog. You should probably be making sure your tinfoil hat is fully operational.

As far as this movie is concerned, the Mayans were right. So, secretly a plan is formulated to save mankind. If you're rich, you're in. If you're a giraffe, you're in. Had the focus been on this plan, and the construction of the arks, I might've been on board. But instead, we get the played out guy-who-lost-his-family-must-redeem-himself-during-world-ending-disaster story. You know, that old thing.

Despite the woefully absurd events, the horrible dialogue, the one-note characters and the daughter who pees herself, this movie could've been okay. But it's almost three hours long. There is enough cringe-inducing dialogue and pseudo-science to create seventeen SyFy Originals. We came for the destruction. And nothing else. It's like a slutty girl who just wants to talk.

I eventually rooted against everyone.
Seriously, I don't even want to keep discussing this movie. I'm tempted to bash all the actors involved but I can't blame anybody for taking work. Everybody involved made more money than I'll make this decade, but whatever. Good for them. Pricks.

Since I can't really think of any Yays (well, outside of the initial chaos), I'm just going to leave you with some Boos, unstable-crust style.

  • We've found boiling water. Somebody get me the President on the phone. Now.
  • Generic Characters Checklist - go! Normal Guy With Major Regrets? Check. By-the-book Government Scientist Who No One Listens To? Check. Slimy/Douchey Government Bastard? Big 10-4, chief. Conspiracy Guy Who's Ultimately Right About Everything? Yep. How about Black President? Check. Wait. Ooooh. It's not Morgan Freeman. Hmm. Not sure if that counts. Wait, he has Attractive Daughter with him? Oh, we're good. Carry on.
  • Russians. Honestly, Russia should have banned this movie and designated Roland Emmerich as an enemy of state. Each character from Russia is worse than the next. Yuri just might be the worst character in any story ever told.
  • Bootleg Governator? How dare you slight the almighty.
  • 45 minutes til mass destruction! And, it's never better than the first time. And we're talking almost two more hours of movie ahead of us!
  • How could you lay waste to Hawai'i? Not cool, bra. Frickin' haoles.
  • Oliver Platt. Why are you always a gigantic dick? 
  • China's ark factory looks like where they made the Enterprise in the new Star Trek. But, shhh. It's a secret.
  • I think cool-stepdad Gordon was made of adamantium. Or that was the strongest yellow rope man has ever created. That actually hurt my soul. We're going to crash. (dramatic pause) Into...Mt. Everest!
  • We found the President's body. Cause of death? Aircraft carrier to the face.
But, hey, other than that, you should check this one out.
Oh, by the way...if reviews were golden rings, we just got an extra Sonic.

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