Because if I weren't a clown, I'd be a murderer.

You know that old story, where the shy, not-so-attractive guy, falls in love with the incredibly hot woman? And this chick, who of course, has a psychotic (though undeniably handsome) boyfriend, strings him along regardless. You ever see that one? Of course you have. Friday's flick told that familiar story yet again, but that lovable loser? He's slightly different. Instead of being a timid, bookish introvert with glasses, he's a murderous, dual machine-gun wielding clown, sworn to a life of revenge. With glasses.

I'm not even sure where to begin with 2010's The Last Circus. While a fairly straightforward tale of unrequited love for the most part, this flick bounces all over the place as well. Part black-comedy, part action/horror mash-up, and maybe even part historical allegory (sorry, but my knowledge of Spain's bloody history is nonexistent, at best), director Alex de la Iglesia has crafted a visually stunning epic with all the subtlety and grace of a punch to the dick.

And while the aforementioned crotch-shot never happens, many surprisingly gruesome things do. Opening in Madrid in 1937, but chiefly set in the early seventies, The Last Circus follows numerous unsavory characters in a downtrodden traveling circus. The main character is Javier, an overweight punching bag, who joins the circus as the unenviable sad clown, due to a personal life filled with misery. Things perk up, literally, when he meets Natalia, the alluring (and curvy) female star of the show. But, not too shockingly, she is already taken, and her man is the raging alcoholic/super-douche of the group, Sergio. Javier should glance at her rack and run in the opposite direction but instead decides it would be better to stick around and fall in love. Bad move, that.


Much like going to an actual circus, I'm sure you can predict how things will turn out in the end. But, let me tell you, also like going to an actual circus, there are at least a half dozen moments where you will think what the f--k is going on here? You may even say it out loud. But at the end of it, you're going to, at the very least, appreciate the effort that went in to the spectacle. Promise.

Oh, she's part of the crew.

In high school, this kid I knew (I won't go friend, the kid was a prick) had a family business setting up tents for functions and such. I always wanted to work for them because they gave their employees bright blue shirts that said ERECTION CREW on the chest. You know who would have loved that? The Yays. The Boos are too classy.
 

Guess I know what I'm going to be for Halloween.

 Yaaaaaaay!

• Where else are you going to see an overweight clown, dressed as a little girl, absolutely carve motherf--kers up with a machete? Well, fine. Outside of my nightmares, where else?
• Sorry Bearded Lady, only men in this outfit.
• Sir Mix-A-Lot said it best: Put 'em on the glass. Though, I did feel bad for Javier. For the one second I wasn't marveling at what I was actually seeing, that is.
• You know that game at the carnival where you see how strong you are with a giant mallet? Imagine repeatedly crushing that thing, but with a fat Spanish guy on it.
• But the real Yay comes in the revenge for the mallet incident. My. Goodness.
• Imagine you decide to live in a dirty pit for the rest of your life. Then imagine that more than one animal will plummet into this pit out of the f--king sky so you can eat it. Awesome, right?
• Three words: Permanent Clown Make-up.
• And finally, actress Carolina Bang. Maybe your name's not real, but clearly your tits are.

You're going to be bad for business. I can tell.

Boooooo!

• Seems I misplaced my degree in Spanish f--king History.
• Sometimes, the dialogue reads pretty poorly. I'm assuming the delivery often saves it.
• The whole baby throwing incident. Not sure who to blame that one on, but not cool, amigos.Not cool.
• Javier is an overweight dude and his ass (and balls?) gets entirely too much screen time. And with a severe lack of uncovered boobs, this seems like the rawest of deals.
• There's at least a five-minute sequence where this movie turns into the bizarro-Spanish version of The Fugitive. Oh and a segment reminiscent of Unleashed (aka Danny the Dog) while we're at it.
• And finally, while I really lapped up the visual flair for the most part, eventually, it wore me down.

Many of us lament the fact that things aren't the way the used to be. And while I agree that society continually spirals down the shitter one steaming turd at a time, it's not all bad. I mean, at least our standards of entertainment have improved drastically. We demand originality, and avoid tropes and cliches at all costs.

Oh wait. No we don't. At all.
But we sure hate clowns. I mean, f--k those guys.