Saturday, October 20, 2012

It means there's a twelve-foot great white shark in here.

There are few moments that all of us will remember forever. These instances where time stood still and society, hell, humanity united in awe of a completely transcendent event. Close your eyes. Think back to 2006. Where were you, when you first heard Samuel L. Jackson utter, Enough is enough! I've had it with these motherf--king snakes on this motherf--king plane. 

Maybe I'm half joking, but I fully believe Snakes on a Plane was a watershed moment in contemporary cinema. For a minute, absurdly titled, low-concept movies were cool. Really cool. Mainstream, even. Now, the DTV market had been churning out messes like that for years, but now there was a dash of legitimacy to them. In my mind, this is the moment that every ridiculous idea was just so stupid, it might work.

I think the 's' in theaters is a little presumptuous.
Despite the latest flick I've seen ending up with the incredibly lame title of Bait, more fitting would have been Sharks in a Grocery Store. Well, fine, that title is f--king lame, too, but at least it would get your attention. After catching this one (hi-yo!), I can see why they went for a more serious title. Because that was their angle, for the most part: serious.

Now, that doesn't mean the movie is completely terrible, but it does mean there are going to be entirely too many minutes where people are talking/I'm not giving a shit rather than where sharks are eating faces/I'm fully engrossed. Keep that in mind, when you never, ever watch this, okay?

Let's revisit stupid ideas for a second (and yes, actually renting this is on the list). After a freak tsunami devastates a coastal city, a group of people are trapped in a flooded grocery store. With two massive sharks. Yes, the sharks got inside, but there's no way out. Oh, and minutes prior to this, we had a failed robbery in said grocery store. Because, you know, why rob a bank, when your town has a f--king grocery store. 

Before I started this flick, I prepped my little notepad (shut up) with a t-chart. In the left hand column, I wrote crazy shark attacks. On the right, I wrote boobs. Friends, one of these columns only had five tally marks. The other had none. I don't need to be any more specific than that. Either way, I'm calling bullshit.

Speaking of bullshit, this review has gone on entirely too long without dropping in on the Yays and Boos. You know, I once cut open their stomachs and found a Louisiana license plate inside. Strange, huh?

Regardless of how I felt overall, this moment is f--king badass. For reals.
  • Thankfully, it only takes about five minutes to get our first shark attack.
  • Though clearly low-budge, the tsunami is pretty well done.
  • Oh, and in the chaos someone takes a stray boat rotor to the head. 
  • I love those stupid moments where someone appears okay, maybe stunned, and then they slowly float away from their body. I imagine 2% of the audience doesn't see this coming.
  • The MVP of this entire experience is Random Guy/Shark Food Habit Expert. He has the best voice ever. And he's got a pretty obvious surprise in store too! He is a Yay on many fronts, trust me.
  • Somehow, the water level is rising well after the tsunami has gone. Okay, fine. But guess what? There's severed power lines hanging down from the rapidly approaching ceiling! That's so dumb it's awesome.
  • As is their plan to fix it. Somehow, from atop grocery store shelves, they build a f--king shark suit. This sound like a Boo, but honestly, this whole sequence is fantastic/retarded.
  • The few shark deaths that we get are pretty fun. Especially air-vent escape! I blame the crabs.
  • And finally, the scene pictured above. If the whole movie had been this moment replayed from hundreds of angles, I'd probably still be watching it.
  • This is/was a 3D movie. So expect a lot of random shit to fly at the screen unnecessarily. 
  • New excuse for no cell phone usage: I didn't charge mine either. Ugh.
  • This grocery store is apparently home to people from every culture on the planet.
  • The love story made me wish a shark would eat my eyes, heart and balls. Simultaneously.
  • There are rotting bodies strewn about forty minutes after the tsunami. Huh?
  • This might be a Yay, but the female lead, Tina, has not only lost her brother to a shark attack, but now her dreamy Asian boyfriend, too? She might want to relocate to somewhere with, I don't know, less sharks? Just a thought. 
  • At one point, rather late in the film, a guy pulls a gun. And he wants to shoot someone. As in, not the shark eating and killing everyone.
  • China. Nothing personal, but this movie represents the 34th highest opening ever in China. I wish I made that up. Hopefully, IMDB did.
  • And finally, I f--king loathe loving grand gestures. Always have. Here, we get, I'm in a hurry, giant killer shark could eat me at any second, but I just wanted to give you my necklace. And a kiss.
In the end, I don't know who to blame for this one more, the aforementioned Samuel L. Jackson or maybe even Uncle Morty, as his Jaws is the genesis of every shark film ever made. You know what? I'm going to blame the little girl we almost/sort of ran over on the way home from Snakes on a Plane that day back in 2006 (true story). Why's that?

Well, it's such a stupid idea, it just might work.


  1. This sounds like motherf***ing sharks in motherf***ing grocery store! I'm probably not going to watch that, but who knows, maybe when I need to take a breath after Paranormal Activity 1 + 2 this will do fine :)

    1. Let me know what you thought of the first two PA flicks. My brother swears by them.

      But, then again, he likes the Transformer movies. Goodness. Though to be fair, I watched a movie about motherf--king sharks in a motherf--king grocery store.