Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Stop punishing yourself, Sarah.

Being the hugely influential trendsetter I am, I've decided to try to watch more horror movies this October, to gear up for Halloween. I know, I know - revolutionary idea, right? Wait, what's that? Everybody does that? Well, damn.

Okay, how's this? Instead of just watching any horror movie, I'm going to dig deep and watch a shitty one. I bet that's never been done before.

This is the same face I made when the movie ended.
Maybe shitty is too strong, but overall, I was pretty disappointed with Silent House. I'm not sure what I expected, but as someone who rarely watches horror movies (my wife can't stand being scared), I was hopeful this little flick could give me a few decent jump scares. And while the setup was intriguing/creepy enough (though inherently ridiculous), eventually, it all became tedious and frustrating.

The plot is simple, if not just a little bit silly. A girl and her dad are fixing up their old house in an attempt to sell it. To lend a hand, is the moderately-creepy uncle. All of this? Reasonable enough. Creepy house, small But, the power is out. And, due to pesky kids, every window is boarded up. Hmm. I guess that explains why it's pitch black in the house, despite the fact that it's f--king daytime. Whatever, I'm still on board. Oh, what's that? Your cell phones don't work up here? Well, then. F--k this.

And while my rational mind had problems with this one, other parts of my body had a good time. The reason? A very convincing (and oddly attractive?) Elizabeth Olsen. She doesn't have much to do, but I enjoyed watching her do it. [Even I see this has taken an unsettling turn] All I'm saying is that I enjoyed her performance. And her shirt (i.e the real Olsen twins).

Speaking of a sweet pair, how about we check with those lovable jerks, the Yays and Boos? Hopefully they can help dial down the creepy we seem to be mired in.

  • The house is pretty frickin' creepy. Dozens of rooms, creaky stairs and surprise! Scary-ass basement.
  • Slightly overused but awesome nonetheless, I love when our only light source is the flash of a camera. Love that.
  • I'll throw some love to the real-time, one-shot aspect of the flick. Sure, we can all see where they 'hid' their edits, but I applaud the effort and some of the moves the camera makes.
  • And finally, in a far less sketchy manner (hopefully), I honestly want to say that I liked Olsen in this performance. She brings equal bits of credibility and vulnerability to fairly tough role. Solid work.
Spoiler Alert. The evil force in this house? Michelle Tanner.
  • I'm dating myself, but two of the Scream rules were broken here. I'll excuse the I'll be right back line because it makes sense, but drinking alcohol? Seemed forced.
  • I hope you like lanterns!
  • The two guys were terrible actors. I know they were supposed to be a-holes, but I think those guys are a-holes.
  • The one-take gimmick actually works against this flick after awhile. Sometimes, a lack of edits makes things increasingly more tense, which is a good thing. After an hour, it gets painfully dull. Which isn't.
  • Since I don't want to spoil anything, imagine this: The main character of a movie is trapped in a tent with a bear for about an hour. Then imagine, they finally get out of the tent and away from the bear. Phew, the tension was killing me. Now imagine, they go back into the tent. Why the f--k am I watching this?
  • And finally, I'm (rather clearly) not the sharpest tool in the shed, but even I called just about every twist in this one. And since you're reading this blog, you're obviously a motherf--king genius! Proceed with caution...
While I don't think I'll be able to exclusively watch horror movies this October (and remain happily married), I've got at least two or three more in me. I've got one sitting here featuring clowns of all things, but nothing else on tap. Got any suggestions?


  1. My blogger reading list showed the first two paragraphs of this post without any photos so I didn't know what movie you were reviewing at first. When I read "dig deep and watch a shitty one", I quickly opened the rest of the post. I was hoping for a another review for a movie like "Blacula"!! Aw man, anti-climax! Silent House is mainstream!

    I don't watch much horror too, so won't be able to give suggestions. What's the one with clowns about?

    1. Ooooh, sorry to disappoint! My next one is a little more fringe, however. I probably should have saved Blacula until October, but I wasn't thinking clearly (on many fronts). Though, for whatever reason, that is my least read post out of all of them....

      And let me just tell you now, I almost never comment on your reviews because you see EVERYTHING before they are released over here! Curse you for living in the future!

  2. It's a horror flick that's definitely a lot better than what you would expect in today's day and age, much ado to the technical side of it, but for some reason, the ending seems like a bit of a let-down. At least Olsen is easy on the eyes. Good review M.

    1. Thanks, Dan. I guess it was technically pretty cool (or pretty cool technically), but I think Quarantine did the one-take horror much better (never saw the original, for the record).

  3. I heard only bad things about this one, which is case for every single new horror movie out there - I don't know why all of those great young actresses waste their time with films like these. Olsen was very impressive in MMMM, glad to read she was good here.

    1. Yeah, I'm gonna check out MMMM when I'm done subjecting myself to pointless violence and gore. Well, not that this one had any of that really...

      As for the young actresses bit, it's almost like Hooters for strippers, I guess. You put your time in the dregs during your youth, but eventually you grow up and hit it big.

  4. I'm not a big horror fan, but I really thought this movie was super creepy and kind of relentless. Maybe not being a horror fan made me like it more than most people. I don't know. The ending is kind of like building a giant block castle and a little kid walks up and knocks it down like baby Godzilla. That was a weird comparison. You're welcome.

    1. The editing makes it relentless, sure, but it also handicaps it too. Did you ever see Quarantine? That movie is frickin' relentless with its one-shot trickery.

      Using your analogy, let's just say that I hate that kid, then. All my time and effort and you go and do that? Dick move, kid. Dick. Move.

  5. haha... Yes, I get where you're coming from. At that point all bets are off.

    No, I haven't seen Quarantine. I'll have to check it out.