Don't be a don'ter.

If the last couple of times I had seen you,  I punched you square in the nuts (or equivalent lady parts) and stole your money - you'd have every right to hate me. But what if I promised you, this time, this time it was going to be different. Instead of bastardizing history (the aforementioned nut-shot), both actual and that of a little boy's childhood, I was going to tell you a true story. A f--king crazy, true story. Would we then be cool?

Director Michael Bay and I aren't cool, but Pain & Gain is a roid-fueled step in the right direction. Thankfully 100% free of stupid f--king robots (though other reviews may suggest otherwise), this movie tells a story far more grounded in reality, even if it's ultimately hard to believe.

Before we begin, let's get a few things out of the way. Yes, it's full of all Bay's trademarks: over saturated colors, low angle shots, misguided patriotism, swooping cameras, epic run time and a script that can occasionally hurt your soul (to name a few). But it's also full of some of his other trademarks, too. The good ones. It's fast-paced, has some very cool action sequences, incredibly hot chicks (and dudes, to be fair) and style to spare. And while some of the 'good' stuff may actually be on your 'bad' list, I found this flick to remarkably entertaining.

The trailer does the job, but for the uninitiated, Pain & Gain tells the story of three body-builders, led by Danny Lugo (Wahlberg), who decide they want more out of life. Initially, they try to do things the right way, but as none of them are all that intelligent, it seems to them that kidnapping and extortion are their best chances at the American dream. As awful as the crimes are that they commit, they remain an undoubtedly likable trio.

Wahlberg's Lugo, the so-called brains of the operation, is an earnest guy who really tries to get ahead in the fitness industry. Despite his intellectual shortcomings, he actually is capable of a few good ideas. The execution of those ideas? Not so much. Dwayne Johnson plays Paul, the muscle of the crew, whose incredible physical presence and mean streak belie his devout religiousness and strangely gentle nature. At least initially, anyway. And the runt of the litter is Adrian, played by my main man Anthony Mackie, sort of the utility infielder of the bunch. He's the tag-along, seemingly involved just to hang out with the other two. Combined, these three create an impressively bumbling trio, arguably on par with Larry, Moe and Curly. Well, maybe if the Stooges were juicing, that is.

Even if the story which the film is based on weren't true, it would still be an entertaining ride, as far as I'm concerned. Watching these guys hatch, then botch, idea after idea was amusing, and at times borderline hysterical. In the aw-shucks hands of Wahlberg, Lugo is the right kind of ridiculous. As for the Rock? Well, he fully won me back after the awfulness that was the second G.I. Joe flick [review]. Throw in a flaccid Mackie, an extra slimy Antonio Scarpacci, an always solid Ed motherf--kin' Harris and I'm good. Real good. And I haven't even mentioned Girl With Amazing Ass yet, whoever the Hell she is. I mean, damn. Damn. Roll up all that acting goodness with one of the weirdest f--king stories ever, and for me, you've got a solid night at the movies.

You know what else is solid, or least getting there? The Yays and Boos. The three of us have been hitting the gym a lot lately, because we believe in fitness. Though I have to keep reminding them that the only time it's cool to bring a cell phone to the gym is never.

Swap the beer with a Dr. Pepper and I love everything in this frame.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

• What a kick ass beginning. I could probably watch anything in super slo-mo, but a desperate and gnarly Wahlberg? Yes, please.
• So, I told you that Danny Lugo had some good ideas, right? His ideas to increase gym membership were brilliant. And hairy. My God, were they hairy.
• You intellectual types will likely disagree, but I've always loved a character who refers to other movies all the time. It's stupid, sure, but it's also very endearing.
• I kind of hate Ken Jeong's schtick (at this point, anyway), but his Tony Robbins-esque douchey motivational speaker character, Johnny Wu, was inspired absurdity. That's why you're working at Sears, bro.
• It's an easy joke, but when characters sincerely motivate each other with lines such as You love those big bitches I then realize that I'be never really matured since high school.
• Michael Bay loves him some slo-mo, no doubt. And while it can be overdone (like all his tricks), you have to love seeing a guy get tased in the head. In slow motion.
• Man, Wahlberg's Scarface accent was pretty clutch. Almost cooler than his native Boston accent. Almost.
• The scene where they back over Victor's head was great. If that was how it really went down, I'm pretty sure there are no words to describe the amount of luck, both good and bad, that occurred in that moment.
• Ed Harris. Two things. One, we don't see enough of this guy. Somebody fix that. Now. And, two? Dude's a beast.
• I think my favorite scene in the whole movie was Lugo's pep-talk to the neighborhood kids in the back yard. It's possible that I could watch that everyday for the rest of my life.
• Fingers crossed that *69 makes a comeback. That used to be the shit. Though it actually might have ended my burgeoning prank phone call career.
  
• This is a Yay only for those unlucky enough to live in or around the so-called taint of America, but props to York, Pa. for getting some screen time in a dang ol' Holluhwood moshun pitcher. 
• We've gone too far in the positives without mentioning the T & A. Random strippers are a huge plus, but sweet Lord actress Bar Paly (aka Girl With Amazing Ass) is so frickin' hot in the trashiest way possible. Shame she'll end up in the Boos, however.
• And finally, the real star of the show, the story. I know, I know, I've already mentioned it too many times. But honestly, if even half of this shit is real? I will never believe it.

Wahlberg's just read Alex Withrow's review.

 Booooooooooo!

• Does Michael Bay have stock in clotheslines? Seriously, can this guy avoid having someone running through hanging laundry?
• Happy to see Crazy Carl from Billy Madison show up, I am. Not as happy that he's basically a child predator. Though, he does get his.
• In a movie filled with ridiculous scene after ridiculous scene, even I lost it at the penis clinic. Ernesto takes one in the neck.
• Though it ended up beating me into submission, I couldn't help but roll my eyes at the fact that every single character gets narration privileges.
• In one scene, a prominently featured billboard advertising a website was featured. That's cool. Um, except for the fact that it's f--king 1994, guys. Same goes for what looked like an XBOX controller. Shitty.
• Speaking of bowel movements, what the Hell was wrong with that fat dude in the hospital? I haven't seen shit so randomly featured since Spud crapped the bed in Trainspotting.
• I'm giving a Boo to Gangsta's Paradise. Only because I don't think the song was out yet, and, because it reminds me of being in high school. Almost twenty years ago.
• Sure, these guys were huge idiots (in every sense), but did one of them really give that to the dog? Had DNA not been invented yet?
• Rebel Wilson. It's true.You make me laugh. But. Buuuttt, this filly might need to learn a second trick. (Says the guy who has none)
• Fourteen minutes? That's all it took the jury? I imagine it took them twice as long to to decide on what to have for lunch.
• And finally, in a movie that is too long for its own good, I'm going to suggest something that I never, ever thought possible. They should have cut out Girl With Amazing Ass.  [Deep breath] She, other than looking extraordinarily slutty, really had nothing to do with anything. Dropping her fine ass could have saved us at least ten, maybe even fifteen minutes.

So maybe Michael Bay (or anyone involved really) won't need a tux on Oscar night this year, but that doesn't mean the movie isn't fun. I have momentarily released the white-knuckled hatred I have for the cinematic Cleveland steamers that Bay and company have routinely left on my chest summer after summer. This doesn't mean I won't still deliver the ultimate dick-punch to anyone that likes the Transformers movies. It just means that for now, Bay isn't the worst person alive. In fact, Bay...is okay.

For now.