Saturday, April 6, 2013

I'm gonna make you very unhappy.

There's a reason I've never jumped my bike over downed power lines. There's also a reason I always get out of the water at the slightest hint of a thunderstorm. And in the unlikely event I'm out skateboarding in the worlds most improbable skate park and a eleven-year old girl shows up? Well, I'm not going to assume shit. Why not? Because I know.

And knowing is fifty-percent of the skirmish.

Pretty sure Harry Knowles was replying to, "How's your sandwich?"
Damn. Did I just screw up something that should have been so easy to pull off? Man, that's embarrassing.

You know who can sympathize with me? Every single person involved in the creation of 2009's G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. What could have been a good time with some relatively iconic characters turned into a pretty epic mess. To be fair, there are a couple of moments that I actually enjoyed. But, the same could be said for every time I've shit my pants, too.

On that horrible note, let me briefly explain why I even bothered with this flick in the first place. One, perhaps nefarious forces have commandeered my soul, but I was pretty pumped about the sequel, currently in theaters and wanted to do my homework. Two, an ex-student of mine, we'll call him JS, literally swore by this movie, and brought in a bootlegged copy that he demanded we watch in class after a big test. And if you can't trust the thought process of a kid who took at least three cracks at seventh grade, who can you trust? I mean, really. And third, as is painfully apparent, I'm an idiot who has no respect for his time, let alone the medium of film as a whole.

I know, enough of the yammering, you're here for a plot summary, right? Right. Well friends, it appears that nearly four-hundred years ago, in France, some jerk wronged some other jerks and was subject to the Hot Mask of Doom. Yes, in a live action G.I. Joe movie, we're going to dial it back to the Thirty Years' War in order to establish why a character would want to blow up the Eiffel Tower later in the film. Not that being a typical douchey foreign arms dealer wouldn't have sufficed. Anyway, seems this guy has created some sort of nano-mite warhead, capable of some pretty badass destruction, and sells it to the government. And on one top-secret evening, during transport, all Hell breaks loose and the warhead is stolen. Or isn't. I not only don't remember, but really don't give a shit either. It's G.I. Joe. With Marlon Wayans.

Okay, let's class this up a bit, shall we? Make things a little more refined and serious. Here are the Yays and Boos, who, like myself, were huge fans of the old cartoon. In fact, their favorite characters? SnowJob and BeachHead. I remember them. Those guys were pretty awes- wait a second. C'mon you two...grow up.

One of my bigger character flaws? How cool I think this is.
  • The opening action sequence is the right kind of silly. You put utter chaos, nonsensical shouting, and more than enough explosions in the oven and you know what you get? Cheesy goodness.
  • You know, as critical as some of us are about our political leadership, I think we all wholeheartedly endorse government-issued low cut tops and tight-ass pants. The Founding Fathers would be proud.
  • Wait. Was that Branden Fraser? In a Stephen Sommers' film? No way.
  • Though the raid on The Pit was laughably easy to initiate, I could appreciate the smaller fights that all took place simultaneously after the fact. At one point, each team has not only their ninjas squaring off, but also their hot chicks, which just makes sense, really. It doesn't hurt that we've also got jetpacks and guys on fire, both of which are certainly appreciated.
  • Speaking of ridiculous action sequence, I might quietly stand and start a slow clap for the Paris sequence. The chase is pure insanity! I mean, Snake Eyes dodges more than one car that is thrown at him.
  • Movie Rule #499: If you're a seemingly Normal Guy holding a large bouquet of balloons, just know that you're about to get f--ked. Honestly. There is no chance that those balloons are going to brighten the day of anyone other than the bad guy who's about to shoot and/or run into you. 
  • Scarlett's crossbow is inspired, effective and killer. Like her rack, oddly.
  • And finally, though I pretty much thought this movie was incredibly stupid and a waste of time, it did serve as a poignant reminder of how much I miss a certain star we don't see enough of anymore. I'm talking about the ninja star, of course. 
All the latest military advancements decimated the shirt budget.
  • The dialogue is impressively bad, written with all the subtlety of a seventh grade love letter. Even worse, are the allegedly funny one liners. I like croissants being, though it's highly debatable, the worst of the bunch.
  • How does a movie featuring Joseph Gordon-Levitt suck so bad? Seems impossible.
  • The super secret Joe program is impossible to get in. Impossible. Unless a person of interest is your ex-girlfriend. Damn. Imagine if you were currently dating her? They might give you the launch codes.
  • And speaking of his ex, the Baroness, I'm not even sure where to begin with this wench. First, she reminds me of a younger Sarah Palin. I'm not sure if it's the glasses, or the smug bitchiness. Maybe both. Second, the world's most advanced database can't locate her because she pulled the oh-so-clever cloaking maneuver of dying her f--king hair. And third, well, there is no third reason, but read that second one again. Madness!
  • For whatever reason, we are told the backstory of dueling ninjas Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes. As if anyone currently watching ninjas fight is clamoring for a reason as to why that's happening. But worse still, is the reason. And the cinematic execution of that reason.
  • What procedure, no matter how cool it is, would involve six simultaneous injections to the face? I'm just curious.
  • Thanks, Bad Movies. I mean it. When a good friend of mine dies in combat, and I can't stop blaming myself (even though it wasn't my fault, all things considered), I now know what to do. Before, I was thinking I might drive my car to the funeral. What an idiot. Clearly the right thing to do, is to ride my motorcycle near the funeral.
  • Those million dollar suits are bad enough, but the fact that Rip gets owned by Le Police while wearing them is exponentially worse.
  • How dare you drop the term spherical trigonometry on us, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. How. Dare. You.
  • Either the worst product placement, or the best production oversight, I found it rather amusing that the world's most advanced research was so clearly protected by Norton AntiVirus.
  • I hate the Good Luck kiss. Hate it. But when two nukes are in the sky? You don't have time for three-quarters of a thumbs up, let alone a fully passionate kiss, you selfish bastards.
  • So, we come across one of those pressure sensitive tunnels, naturally. Turns out, you can't put your weight down for more than a split second, or it will sound the alarms. So guess what the solution is? To walk on your hands. Are you f--king kidding me? I'm going to assume two things here. 1) You likely weigh the same whether on your hands or feet. 2) Pretty sure you could move significantly faster on your feet than your f--king hands. Just a thought.
  • And finally, the voice command sequence at the end. Other than the fact that, for a second, I was thinking of Groundskeeper Willie, this was the dumbest thing in the entire movie.
I haven't posted in a week because I've had the flu, or something equally awful. I've had headaches, dizziness, and the most heinous, um, bathroom events, in the history of my life. This movie isn't that bad.

But I never want to experience either ever again.


  1. Ahh, This movie sucked. I was so bummed out. I Love Joseph Gordon-Levitt and the thought of him playing Cobra Commander was really cool, and then the rest of the movie happened.

    1. You are exactly right. What took me poorly written paragraphs said in 33 words.

      Did you see Premium Rush? (I didn't)

    2. I did see Premium Rush, and if that had been anyone else but JGL in the lead, I would've skipped it. But I didn't mind watching him bike around for an hour and a half.

    3. Did you just objectify a man on my website?


  2. "To walk on your hands." - you're shitting me. This actually happened? Someone wrote it and someone decided it is a good idea to keep in the movie? I swear people are just dumber and dumber as our race keeps existing.

    "I not only don't remember, but really don't give a shit either." - that is the reaction I always have to the movies I dislike, well put!

    1. "I swear people are just dumber and dumber as our race keeps existing." So sad, but true ... and very well said, my friend.

    2. I love imagining the chain of command and all the people who got the chance to say um, this is a terrible idea and failed to do so. Awesome.

  3. It's a terribly dumb movie, but at least I had some sort of fun with this. It's campy, over-the-top, and stupid, which is probably why I had such a great time with this one. Great review M.

    1. It is exactly what you say it is, and I had some dumb fun with it, too.

      But seriously, there's a good action movie here. There is. Even if they just did a shot-for-shot remake of the animated movie...

  4. Hmmm ... let's see. You have a heroine with great boobs and a bad-ass crossbow, a bit of cheesy goodness, and some cool ninja shit -- the saving graces in what is otherwise a complete train wreck of a movie. Did I get that about right? :-)

    Awesome review! Yours is one of the few blogs that make me actually laugh out loud. Everyone in the house thinks I've lost my mind. I am still cracking up over the Norton Antivirus thing. Maybe there should be a whole Oscar category for Awkward Product Placement.

    BTW, I now have a soft spot in my heart for your student JS, even if he does pimp out bootlegged videos and needed 3 years to get through 7th grade. (Hey, 7th grade was rough on all of us :-)). I can't help but give props to a kid who demands a showing of a cheesy action movie after an English test. Seems fair to me. ;-)

    1. Wow. You summed it up perfectly. Well done.

      That's very nice of you to say, Steph. I'm a huge fan of people questioning others sanity. I question my own every single weekday.

      Let me tell you about ol' JS...He went from spending too many years with someone like my wife's spending too many years with someone like your husband.

      He wasn't a bad dude, though.

    2. That's a shame about JS -- I wish his life had turned out better.

    3. Yeah. Poor kid. He severely lacked the guidance he needed.

  5. Ha! I think the best thing about this movie was the review you just wrote! It's been a while since I've seen it, but your review got me laughing about the general ridiculousness of the whole thing! I will say, cheesiness and all, it was entertaining, if nothing else. (and good old JS.....I wonder whatever happened to him?)

    1. Thanks, HW. It really wasn't that good, but I guess it's good, dumb fun.

      A certain Queen of the pullout room informed us during PTC that JS' favorite flicks are Shawshank and The Green Mile. Boo.