Monday, April 29, 2013

Honey, sometimes people can't be fixed.

No matter the profession, at some point, we all have to cut our teeth and prove ourselves. For me, it was a year-long internship, followed by student-teaching, then a stint as a long term substitute before I finally was awarded/cursed with my own classroom. For you, it likely was was another sequence of events, but still followed some logical, time-trusted path. Say, for example, you wanted to be a stripper. You don't just show up to some seedy bar and take off your clothes willy-nilly. No. You start out at Hooters like everyone else.

Damn, Fear. Why you always touching people?
And if you want to be a beautiful, successful young actress in Hollywood, you start out in horror. Likely, bad horror. You don't have to die onscreen, you don't even have to do nudity. You just need a low-cut tee or tank, and you need to get dirty.

I've wasted days of my life at the mere promise of seeing a pretty girl, let alone anything beyond that. Feel free to add watching  House at the End of the Street to that dubious list of precious time lost. While we're talking lists, Jennifer Lawrence, in all her curvy glory, checks off of hers star in shitty horror movie. I'm not mad at her, really, because it's a logical progression in her burgeoning career. I'm just slightly pissed that I couldn't resist watching it. But I'll go ahead and invoke the words of the late, great Alfred Hitchcock to explain my foolishness. Well, her breasts were rather large.

Anyway, this flick is a slightly inoffensive composite of numerous horror movie staples. New people in town, possibly looking to start over? Check. Scary house that no one ever goes to since it happened? Yep. Misunderstood person/people living in aforementioned scary house? Roger that. But guess what you'd never expect? The new girl in town? Oh man, you won't believe what she does! She falls for Misunderstood Guy from Scary House. Like, no way! Way, my friend. Way.

Despite featuring the hottest mother/daughter duo since, um, bad places on the internet, this flick does little to differentiate itself from a slew of other PG-13 horror flicks released in the last decade or so. The generic title, possibly scary to a singular eleven year-old girl does little to help it stand out. But, with recently-crowned Best Actress Jennifer Lawrence in the lead, there's an audience for this. Just not a very discriminating one. Clearly.

Despite living at the dreaded end of the street, my house is anything but scary. Though, full disclosure, some truly unholy creatures were born there. This evil duo, better known as the Yays and Boos, has been destroying brains and devouring souls for over a year now. You've been warned.

Wait. They made a Jewel bio pic and no one told me?
  • My lifelong adoration of Elisabeth Shue? Still intact. Firmly.
  • I believe in balance in the world. I do. If Jennifer Lawrence really can sing like that, then somewhere, there is an incredibly ugly person having their face slowly chewed off by a dog. I'm not sure how this is a Yay.
  • When delivering your crazy-ass sister Carrie Ann her food - watch it. Bitch got springs.
  • Gil Bellows! Hell yeah.
  • The only thing better than a hot mother/daughter combo? The fact that they both shop for clothes in the teen miss section. Wowzers.
  • Ryan, for what it's worth, plays the brooding, misunderstood teen, incredibly well. That "have some pie, have some milk" girl was pretty hot. Well played, son. 
  • An awesomely bad horror staple? Ye old rattling dryer.
  • A simple, but infinitely better, alternative to Ugh. I'm not getting any cell service out here is the surprisingly welcome Ugh. My mom's not answering. Someone start a slow clap.
  • As ridiculous as Carrie Ann is, her escape move is 900% awesome. Seriously brilliant.
  • I love a good low-angle shot. Especially when we constantly find ourselves looking up. At breasts.
  • And finally, as silly and useless as this movie is, I actually didn't see one of the twists coming. I'll be vague, not only to be spoiler free, but also to attempt to cover the fact that I really am an idiot who often completely misses the obvious.
I think they both just found out they're in House at the End of the Street.
  • My wife, ever the lightweight, was actually scared by the lame beginning. I've seen scarier Cialis commercials.
  • Property values are on everyone's mind in this one. Really. The only reason they can afford such a nice house? Foreclosure? Nah. Oh, it's near an airport then? Nope. Double-murder next door? Winner!
  • Hope you like expository dialogue!
  • White kids. Their famine relief group sounds honorable enough, right? Well, not when it's a horrible cover for underage drinking and sexual assaults.
  • Speaking of, the main white kid, Tyler, is one of the biggest douches ever. His go to move on day 2 of the 'relationship'? The ol' pin her down and be an asshole. Solid move, bro. And by bro, I mean dick-hole.
  • If I picked up a soaking wet Jennifer Lawrence and gave her a ride home? That's a Yay. The shameful event that would take place as soon as she's twenty yards away from my car? That's a Boo.
  • In one of the more realistic scenes, Lawrence kind of goes through all of poor Ryan's shit in a totally abrasive, privacy-shattering fashion. Hot chicks. Getting away with shit since forever.
  • Carrie Ann Vision? Oh, it's like Predator Vision, except poorly executed and incredibly shitty. Oh, and features lame audio accompaniment, as opposed to what is quite honestly the second best sound ever (first? Easy. The sound of something transforming).
  • So, Elisabeth Shue, it's clear that I love you. But, if you invite me over for dinner and turn into a giant bitch without provocation? I will love you less. Slightly. For a minute.
  • Speaking of Shue, another unexpected night shift! Damn you, convenient plot device!
  • What the Hell was with the alleged face in the tree? I felt like Willam in Mallrats. A schooner is a sailboat, stupid head!
  • Why is there always that thing that involves a guy standing behind a girl and showing her something? It's equal parts creepy and romantic. You know, like how to bowl, hold a paintbrush, shoot an arrow, or worse yet, look at a tree.
  • You know, we complain about property values a lot, but, um, Ryan's house has the best basement ever. It's like a panic room. Except instead of going there to escape bad people, it's where bad people store worse people. I don't know. Read it again. I think it makes sense.
  • That escape near the end? That's as likely as moving a dryer that's on a door above you. Just sayin...
  • As not scary as the malfunctioning flashlight scene was, it sure sounded, well, sexy.
  • And finally, apparently Mom's been playing Mortal Kombat on her breaks at the hospital. I cracked up when she yelled FINISH HIM!
After making it to the end of an incredibly long and pointless blog post, do you know what the next logical move is? I'm not sure, myself. I think it's a toss-up between two.

Apologize. Or go to sleep.

In that case...



  1. Haha this review made it kind of worth it to sit through this movie. I spent the first 3/4's incredibly bored, perked up slightly by the twist, but then overall left totally unaffected. It's not a horror movie turns out, more like a bad thriller. Jennifer Lawrence was still hot though :)

    1. Without loving Lawrence in the way only a pervy, old guy can, I don't see how you even finished this one. For the first hour, it's basically the best Hallmark movie ever made.

      Good call on it not being a horror movie, though. At all. Shit, there's just as much singing as there is killing.

      Hmm. Maybe it wasn't a shitty horror movie, or even a shitty thriller.

      Maybe it was a shitty musical.

  2. I will be seeing that one soon, as a double feature with my rewatch of Wicker Man, in what I call 'night of the movies so bad they are hilarious'.

    I read about the twist, it's a cool idea but I'm sure they executed it poorly. Idea like that should have really good story around it and this sounds like cliche driven movie. Lawrence looks hot in those clothes, though :)

  3. This really is pretty bad. Minus the sexy Lawrence (and a personal fave, Shue) there is no other reason to watch this than to make fun of it. Repeatedly.

    It's kind of like reading this blog, actually.

    (Outside of those awesome YouTube compilations, I have sadly never watched that Wicker Man remake - shameful)

    1. Oh, you need to see that. The yays and the boos would have so much fun with this one!

    2. We'll put it in the queue ASAP.


  4. This sounds like the kind of movie I might really like if I were halfway soused ... and a guy. :-) I usually try to avoid generalizations based on gender, but it really does sound like this movie benefits a LOT if you come into it with a genuine appreciation of female hotness.

    No offense, but I respectfully suggest that you not get into the habit of using that Alfred Hitchcock excuse. ;-) It's likely to get you into a lot of trouble. :-P