Thursday, July 3, 2014

Love is a wonderful thing, but it's not all you need.

A bad guy that's not really dead.
A meaningful letter, found years later - unopened!
A last second save, by the least likely person.

In my movie-watching lifetime, there have been an infinite number of things I've seen over and over, again and again. It happens in every genre, and even great films can fall victim. But it's not just limited to what happens on-screen...

A husband that rents a movie.
A movie that his wife will like.
A wife that falls asleep during that movie, despite insisting she's awake and wants to watch it.

My wife was sound asleep at the seven-minute mark of the 2014 version of Endless Love. While the film itself is a collection of the most tired cliches, my wife's immediate slumber came at a pace never before seen in our thirteen year relationship. Eight minutes in, I was convinced that she'd made (as involuntary as it was) the right decision. But ninety minutes after that, I'd changed my mind. Slightly.

As an unintentional comedy, Endless Love is a masterpiece. But placing my size-14 foot into the shoes of say, a 14 year-old girl (what a odd, terrible image that is), I'd probably feel less likely to laugh and more likely to weep. Uncontrollably. And while I resisted initially with just about everything I had, eventually this film simply wore me down. Maybe I'm getting soft in my old age, or maybe there's a certain charm in (fictional) melodramatic teens (not to mention their f--king absurd fathers!), but truthfully, I didn't hate this movie. Oh, it's basically terrible and so f--king cheesy it should come with a box of macaroni, but as the credits rolled, something had changed inside of me.

I wasn't furious.

I was...amused?

While the script is completely absurd and the characters actions (and reactions) so incredibly unfathomable, everything is presented so f--king earnestly it quite possibly dried up my well of constant cynicism, at least for an hour or two.

My wife, when she was pretending to be an active participant, said it was like a bad Lifetime movie, but that doesn't do this one any semblance of justice. This entire film, start to finish, plays like one of those awful in-store videos bombarding you at a store like American Eagle, the ones where pretty people do pretty things, all set to innocuous and overly loud pop music. Sure, that sounds like the blueprint to my own personal Hell, but as crafted by director Shana Feste, it literally disgusted me into submission. Even though I knew every trick it had up it's fitted sleeve, I needed to finish it. And I also needed new jeans. And a shirt. Oh, and maybe these socks. They're cheaper if you buy two pairs.

Speaking of things you don't need, here are the Yays and Boos (and the Wooots!). They didn't even know that Endless Love was a movie. They thought it was a song that friends listen to. In the dark.

  • Whatever, I don't care if I'm veering into dirty old man territory, Gabriella Wilde, as the ridiculously named Jade Butterfield, is hot. I could say that I'd like to, indeed, butter her field, but that would be classless and unnecessary. I'm better than that.
  • Paper airplanes. These are cool enough as is, but when inside it basically says Do me! Well, I guess you really can improve on perfection.
  • The sex scene is awesome! Not only does it happen pretty much minutes after they meet (which seems entirely contradictory to each character), it's completely incomprehensible. I'm pretty sure I saw nothing but legs. Six of them.
  • Okay, I hate the cutesy little gestures that these movies are full of, but writing I love you in the condensation on the back window of a pickup truck you're currently riding in? That shit is so smooth, I went to my wife's dresser and picked up some panties, just so I could immediately drop them.
  • Unintended implications. This line, from her record setting a-hole dad: A boy?!? That's so unlike you! 
  • This movie actually sets a record for uncomfortable conversations, but the lakehouse greeting may be the best/worst. My God did I love this scene.
  • Um, Jade's brother. I can sum him up in three words: This. F--king. Guy.
  • There is a lot of making out in this movie. Ah, the days where this was acceptable.....sigh.
  • This movie is home to the most deserved punch in the face ever put to film. It just nudges out, seeing m.brown in person after reading this blog.
  • And finally, the ending. Jade's hysterics are priceless. Dad? David? Dad? David? She says them so fast that an answer, the thing she wants most in the world at that moment, is literally impossible.
Me want take your daughter on date. 
  • Okay, he may be dreamy and all, but the main guy, David, is played by Alex Pettyfer. Seems like a nice kid. And by kid, I mean fully grown-ass man.
  • Jade, take a picture! Oh, okay. We mean of us, not with us. Aww.
  • Douchey McDoucher, the key-dropping asshole. These movies always need a rich dickhead to pointlessly antagonize our working-class hero, but this guy is so bad, I was actually rooting for someone to rip his dick off. You know, 'cause that happens.
  • Song out of a Hat. What the f--k., young people? Do you bitches really do this type of shit at parties? Is that why you're so boring otherwise, you've wasted all your energy choreographing absurd dance routines at fancy get togethers?
  • This was said (more or less): Hey! I've got a plan. Let's get high and sneak into the zoo! Hopefully a lion will tear our dicks off. Fine, that last part....that was me.
  • Her brother, the ignored goofball/black sheep of the family, feels like/is actually considered a failure, because he's a communications major. I'll let you guess what my major was. Go ahead, I'll wait. I've got time. It's not like I have a real job to get to...or friends. Or the respect of my parents.
  • The awkward speech about how much love means to me is made even more awkward(er?), as David delivers it to Jade's dad.
  • And Dad, what the f--k was that out in the boathouse? That came out of nowhere!
  • And finally, speaking of dear ol' Dad, I'm pretty sure that Bruce Greenwood got paid a hundred dollars every time he came off like a heartless, maniacal dickhead. I'm also pretty sure Bruce Greenwood made 4.2 million dollars during production.

As a bonus feature, here is the debut of the Wooots. Also known as the We're Out Of Original Thoughts. Generally, a lame romantic movie will feature most of these. Endless Love, is clearly an overachiever.Whenever you see one of these in a film, feel free to scream Wooot! directly at the person closest to you. They'll appreciate the heads up, I'm sure of it.

  • The main character has a friend. And not only is he quirky, but he's black.
  • A graduation present is needed for a girl who has everything. What to get her? Yep, there's only one answer: decadent party. With lights strung above something.
  • The poor boy that she loves, his dad is real blue collar guy. His job? Mechanic, silly. How else can we explain the oil streak permanently smeared on his face. Bonus points are awarded for the fact that Robert Patrick plays the Mechanical Dad/Skynet prototype.
  • There is a dance scene with our young lovers. It will be overly sexual and or very complicated. Check and check.
  • That party? The lights will go out. While that doesn't make sense at Scrooge McDuck's house, but we're going to need a way to spring the kids for guessed it,  closet time face suck.
  • When the boy leaves for the night, you know it's coming. No, not a furious solo exploration of her lady parts, no. She's going to close the door. With her back to it, motherf--ker!
  • Someone will run toward someone else. And, it will be in glorious slow motion. There's no other way to run. Honest.
  • Her dad, well, of course, he'll be a relentless cockblocking a-hole, who has totally forgotten what it's like to be young and in love, no matter how many times his smiling wife reminds him.
  • I think the only reason it ever rains on Earth is because somewhere, some f--king sad-sack guy, is standing outside some chick's bedroom window, hoping to come inside. And get out of those wet pants.
  • Fireworks must occur. If not, the director is sent to a Chinese prison and forced to eat gunpowder.
  • If I ever stop loving my wife, all I need to do is find a f--king merry-go-round. Nothing says I love you, like plastic horses, shitty music and unrelenting nausea.
  • The handsome guy that we love so much. Yep, he'll have a shady past. Or...gasp, a record!
  • And his ex-girlfriend? It's safe to say she'll be a rotten ho. Makes sense, right? Our sensitive guy seems like he would've weeks prior totally gone for huge bitches.
  • Early on, a car ride will be romantic. Later on, a car ride will be tragic. There are no other car rides.
  • I thought it wasn't going to happen, but it did. Handsome people will ride an escalator. Stairs are for ugly trolls, doomed to a life of solitude and masturbation. (And yes, I love the stairs)
  • And finally, my favorite Wooot ever. At some crucial point, someone will walk in at the worst f--king time possible. And instead of allowing eleven seconds for a reasonable explanation, they will cover their mouth, turn, and run out in tears. True movie magic.
Truth be told, I rented this as a hate-watch. I had hoped to make fun of it as my wife ate it up, but clearly the joke is on me. Not only did she bail in record time, leaving me to watch a sappy teen-romance utterly alone, but I ended up kind of liking it. Maybe I've become...

A bitter old man, finally capable of love, after a lifetime of being a stubborn prick.

Go ahead, make the sound. I want to hear it.


  1. OMG! I remember when this movie came out. All the teenage girls that I shamelessly follow on Instagram were all posting pics of that ugly guy who stars in this talking about how he was so beautiful and crying and saying this was...THE BEST MOVIE THEY HAD EVER SEEN...and I knew right then and there that I'd probably never see it.

    But now I want to...just so I can write a post like this.

    1. I don't even know where to begin with you, man. Following teenage girls on Instagram? Is something I should be concerned about? Or just something I just do myself? So conflicted...

      The only thing I knew about this damn movie was Elina's review, and it sounded so bad I kind of wanted in, if that makes sense. I think I have a condition or something.

  2. I hate Alex Pettyfer SO much. He can't act and he comes off as the biggest douche ever in interviews (apparently he has "thank you" or something like that tattooed above his dick)

    I think I'm far too cynical for a movie like this. This review is 100 times more entertaining than the movie probably is.

    1. Wait, having that tattoo is bad thing? I think it makes him sound appreciative and sympathetic. I mean, if it said 'you're welcome' I'd think the guy was a real doucher...but maybe his wiener is all mangled and scary. The ink's like a Hallmark card down there.

      I'm entirely cynical, too, but this movie simply wore me down. But I appreciate the compliment, even if it's likely out of pity.

      Thank you.

  3. Great review! I think this is as far as I'm going to get without seeing the movie. The title itself already gave away the fact that I would probably not watch it, and avoid it like the plague.

    1. Thanks! I get really carried away with bad romantic movies. I always say waaaaay too much about them for a guy in his mid thirties. Way too much. But yeah, don't bother with this one. It's ridiculous.

      I imagine the plague probably has a lot less cliches.

  4. Egads ... I'm old enough to remember the first Endless Love! Why they decided to perpetuate this atrocity on yet another generation is beyond me.

    1. I wonder if I've ever seen the first one....hmm, I don't think I have. But I actually like what you say. As if this is some sort of grand plan to unleash awful on a younger generation. We had to deal with this it's your turn.

      Very sinister stuff.

  5. By the way, this post is thoroughly awesome. I need to ask my hubby to make me some paper airplanes with a "Do Me" message in each one. It might make a good anniversary gift.

    1. Can I say that I love the fact that you came back to say something else? That's just awesome.

      Especially when it's about "Do Me" paper airplanes. Especially.

  6. Seriously? Asleep at the seven-minute mark? Wow.... It took me at least 8 minutes to read this review! But then again, if this was on TV, I'd probably only last a maximum of 5 minutes before I changed the channel. I haven't seen it yet (haven't even heard of it), so might be wrong...

    1. I'm surprised you didn't fall asleep at the seven-minute mark of this review.

      On TV, it's likely going to skipped quickly (the girl is hot, but not stop what you're doing hot), so I'm with you there. But you never know...I guess? Nah, you probably do know when it comes to a flick like this one.

  7. I swear I left a comment on this but it didn't go through I guess.

    Anyways, I nearly died reading this line "When the boy leaves for the night, you know it's coming. No, not a furious solo exploration of her lady parts, no. She's going to close the door. With her back to it, motherf--ker!"

    Those WOOOTS are priceless!

    1. Yes, Jess! So happy that you liked even a line of this ridiculous post!

      There are so many cliches in these types of movies, you'd think they'd leave some behind. But not these guys, no. They're at the Cliche Buffet and they trying everything. Twice.

  8. Does your wife ever stay awake during movies? But damn, even agreeing to see this on your part is a wonderful gesture.

    This movie sounds hilarious but my first one to watch from awful romances list is the one with Fergie's husband and ghost twist in the end

    1. No, she doesn't. The only reason this was of note is it occurred in record fashion. And I would love to say that this is a 'wonderful gesture' but I knew what I was doing. I thought maybe 45 minutes and then I could just head right into Enemy. But it backfired, as I watched EL in it's entirety, then fell asleep myself as I started Enemy at almost two in the morning...

      Please, PLEASE watch Safe Haven. It's amazing. Ly bad.

    2. I'm planning on making it a double feature with something equally awful, I have so many choices but "I, Frankenstein" is at the top of the list, currently.

      I heard it's so bad. I only wish Nic Cage was there, he should be in every single bad movie there is.

    3. Honestly, I tried doing a shitty double-feature with I, Frankenstein, too, but I opted to pair it with Ride Along, which was like a ninety minute dump on my chest. And after that, I couldn't even attempt I, Frankenstein....

      Nic Cage should be in EVERYTHING.

  9. I am so sad I put off reading this post time and time again, but I'm starting to think it was worth the wait. Did you really say butter her field, though? Why? How did you survive the urge of wanting to strangle her for being so dull/being in a film so dull? I couldn't get that one out of my mind.

    Well, I'm glad you enjoyed, I'll be looking for other... interesting... films to send your way. Only thing, you have to promise to keep reviewing them like this. With the WOOOTs.

    1. Whoa, whoa, whoa. See that was thing. She was 900% boring, with a face permanently stuck on wondering where here puppy has run off to in this darn rainstorm, but when he took off her clothes? All that went away. Quickly. Same with my ability to make sound judgments.

      I don't know if I have the stamina to review anything else like this again, but I'll give it a shot. I was insanely inspired after this one. But the Wooots? I can't imagine there's any left to talk about. This movie covered all of them.