Ape did this.

While this isn't news to anyone that knows me or somehow manages to frequent this site, but I'll watch anything. Really. But possibly even more telling, is that I will watch an entire film for one single moment. Yes, sometimes...that may have to do with a nude scene or something, um, salacious (was there another reason anyone saw Swordfish theatrically?), but generally if I hear something like, eh, it's oooookay, but there's this one part...I'm in. Say no more.

Sometimes, it could be as simple as a ridiculously good knife fight [here], or someone trying to shut a door in the wind [here]. Once,a personal favorite moment of ridiculousness,  it was someone throwing a f--king horse! [here] It can be the tiniest of things, but if great/horrible enough, it can make for something special.

But this time, man, this time. This time it's an ape. Ha, that's funny.

An ape riding a horse. Which is pretty cool.

Through fire. Oh shit, really?

While holding a machine gun. *pantomimes getting an erection*

In each hand. *actually dies*

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is good summer entertainment. It's not as mind-blowing as some might have you believe (um, despite what I just suggested) but it's filled with enough entertaining moments (and by moments, clearly I mean bits where apes do cool shit) that it should certainly satisfy fans of the original. Years ago, my wife reluctantly saw the first one and liked it. And this summer, she had a good time here as well. And if you can't trust a mother of two who's just happy to be not at home, who can you trust?

Actually, in the second flick of the reboot series, trust is going to be paramount. Years after Caesar initiated the primate revolution in the first flick [review], here we find him as he has settled into the role of wise leader, favoring diplomacy over fisticuffs. The humans, what little remain of them (after the simian flu wiped them the f--k out) need to do some work where the apes live (the foggiest hills on the planet), and even though they just recently shot an ape in the face, Caesar trusts that everyone will all be like little Fonzies, you know? Even that one shifty guy, with the rotten attitude and awful face, whose entire family was wiped out by those damn dirty apes. Even that guy's going to cool. Scout's honor.

It's not a spoiler to say that that circle of trust is broken, and all Hell will eventually break loose, as I already mentioned the whole dual-wielding, fire horse-riding ape in my opening. I mean, let's be honest. That guy doesn't show up when things go according to plan, right?

My only real complaint about the film is how incredibly predictable it is, even if every telegraphed move is justified. It's a tough complaint to basically be asking for some irrational shit to happen, but every crazy ape/human action has been carefully explained prior. There's no guesswork, nothing really implied. But you likely don't go to a Planet of the Apes movie to solve a f--king mystery, do you?

Also free of mind-bending riddles, are the Yays and Boos. In fact, I actually found them in a room full of a thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters. It was the best of times...

Ape (face) hurt ape. 

 Yaaaaaaaaay!

• Let me tell you, I'm pretty sure my wife's entire ass left the seat when a certain giant beast provided the lone jump-scare. It was very impressive. The leap, pervert. The leap.
• The next time we have a kid, I'm going to request only apes be present during delivery. Well, and Felicity. Their surgical masks are pretty legit, right?
• Koba (pictured). This dude is a bad customer, no doubt, but I liked his reasoning. It can all be boiled down to two words: Human work.
• Being the asshole. I love when movie characters say, Oh, so I'm the asshole now? Because there's never really any doubt.
• Kids. Not only is Caesar's youngest totally adorable! but even his oldest is a handsome gent, if I do say so myself. Like a hairier Channing Tatum. Or a younger Robin Williams.
• So the humans are having a pretty sweet party, right? Think, that night in Zion, minus the groovy beats and pending orgy, and you're on the right track. Anyway, this party will be crashed. And this crashing? Well, it has rocket launchers. As in, rockets. Will be launched.
• Maurice. Not only is that the only name I've purchased on those f--king Coke bottles, but this guy is my favorite ape in the flick. He's fat, hairy, incredibly methodical, loves a good book, and a good ass kicking. Sounds like someone I know, actually.
• There's a pretty sweet jailbreak scene, um, that takes place on a school bus, if that makes sense.
• And finally, Andy Serkis (and crew). Even though these are silly, though well-made, well-intentioned, summer flicks, I truly believe they are changing the movie industry. I firmly believe that the Oscars need to begin to recognize these guys, because they are creating layered performances that resonate just as much as traditional actors. I'm sure they haven't even scratched the surface, but regardless, Serkis, and others like him, are pioneering something, and I feel fortunate to see it evolving right in front of me. I mean, I fully bought into the emotional journey of a talking ape. I cared about him. And this is the one not riding the horse and shooting people in the face. Ridiculous!

One of these people is the one that ruins everything.
Here's a hint: It's not Keri Russell.
Or anyone wearing a hat. Or the kid.
Or that guy on the right.

Booooooooo!

• No offense, really, but this group of actors, on paper, make James Franco look like Leonardo f--king DiCaprio. Seriously, who the f--k are these people? Well, outside of...
• Gary Oldman, who plays a decidely un-Gary Oldman type role. He's slimy, but in the most unspectacular way possible. 
• Ash. This poor ape not only gets shot in the face for no reason, but let's just say that ain't the half of it. 
• Hey, we're going to go talk to the apes, even though we totally f--ked up and they're probably going to kill us. Who's coming with me? Great. Now when we get up there...wait in the car.
• Malcolm (Jason Clarke, a guy) heads up to this ominous entrance to Ape Central. It's creepy, it's quiet and he's totally alone. Until, of course, that 900lb gigantic f--king gorilla SNEAKS UP BEHIND HIM.
• Keri Russell gets to play Ellie, or as you'll remember her: Concerned Woman. Honestly, she does okay, but I imagine at the end of a long day of shooting, she needed like, three guys to forcibly change her brow back from furrowed with worry.
• Gun Dicks. There are these two guys at the armory, who apparently have nothing to do but make sure the guns work. I'm pretty sure after say, 700 rounds, it's safe to say that the gun indeed, works. And, correct me if I'm wrong, but it appears that we might not have an infinite supply of bullets to shoot about willy-nilly.  Unless that ammo is made of ape turds, then please, fire away.
• Mistreating horses. First, people are throwing them at Abe Lincoln, and now this? They've been busting their ass for mankind forever, and apes takeover...and they still can't catch a break. I mean, if sharks ruled the world, would they ride horses?
• And finally, as fun and as goofy as this movie was, it seemed a little too long. Honestly, outside of the massive ape v. ape battle at the end, the entire movie kind of happens twice. I get it, there just like us, we're just like them...but damn. Can't everybody hurry the f--k up, then?

Hopefully you're like me, and able to find joy in little moments. Hopefully you're able to think that even if something was ultimately pointless and a waste of time, at least there were those few seconds that made you smile and think this isn't so bad after all. And if you're not that kind of person, well...

...what the Hell are you doing here?