Monday, August 17, 2015

And it all went tits up.

If religion is defined as a particular system of faith and worship, I must admit, I'm not at all religious. At least not in any traditional sense.

For me, outside of family and friends, the only thing I truly show a deep reverence for is expression. However it is someone is going to create, to say something, to literally change the world, that is something I believe in without question.

And sometimes, in a rather strange coincidence, this expression? This story?

Sometimes it takes place in a church.

Holy f--king shit. That's what I wrote in my notes, twice, during Matthew Vaughn's epic spy flick, Kingsman: The Secret Service. I don't know why I dragged my feet in seeing this one, but almost a week later...I still haven't caught my breath. And as an action-movie devotee, it's safe to say that this film is religious experience.

Hidden in the most dapper of shadows, the Kingsman are an elite squad of spies determined to keep the world safe from the nastiest of threats. They are a select few of impossibly talented (and handsome) ass-kickers, and only seek a new member when another is killed in action. After some fantastically unfortunate events, it appears the regal Kingsmen have some perfectly-shined shoes to fill. Enter a young man named, of all things, Eggsy.

Eggsy is a dirty f--king hoodlum. He's a smart kid, sure, but with an impressively shitty family situation, he's more apt to dicking around with professional low-lifes, than becoming a professional dick living the high one. But under the tutelage of Kingsman Galahad (a surprisingly deft Colin motherf--king Firth), he may just be the chosen one. But this job interview is pretty f--king killer, to say the least.


They say a hero is only as good as his or her villain, and you can't do much better than Samuel L. Jackson. Here, Jackson plays Valentine, a mad scientist dressed like Russel Simmons (while sounding like Leon Phelps). Maybe I'm a moron, but Valentine's plan is as good as they come, as his version of the end of the world is grounded in the idea of saving it. Apparently, Mr. Glass is more like Captain Planet.

Though I don't recall the good Captain hanging out with a girl with f--king knives for f--king legs, but what do I know?
This how I feel about walking my dog in the winter.
Anything else you want to sniff, goddammit?
Not much, obviously, but I do know the Yays and Boos. If ever there was a movie that was made to be loudly cheered for, it has got to be Kingsman: The Secret Service. Hell, even the Boos are f--king rad.

And I get pissed when my phone wakes me up.
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
  • Those were some badass opening credits, if I do say so myself.
  • Even if you hate action movies, and likely your own life, you can't be too upset when there's moving images and sounds comprised of Michael Caine talking to Colin Firth. 
  • As someone who is going to have meetings every single day for the next 189 days, can I please, please get those glasses? 
  • I don't know what this says about me, but even though I know it's coming, that moment when the good guy seems to be walking out, only to be locking the f--king door, I quite honestly could not be happier. I turn into a seven year-old girl. And that locked door? That's my pony.
  • While we're talking about magical creatures, put your hands together for PUPPIES! I mean it. Clap for these adorable animals. But not too loud. You'll scare them. Aww....
  • Eggsy bounces out of his house with some ill parkour moves. Loved the way this was shot!
  • Speaking of love, the soundtrack is a good bit of alright.
  • Knife-leg lady is badass. I guess the chick from Glee lost her legs in a tragic bass fishing accident or something, but whatever it was, she's pissed. And sexy.
  • I'm sorry, but having the Good Spy and the Mega Villain passionately discuss Bond movies made me all tingly inside.
  • My God, Fitting Room Number 3. Amazing.
  • Look, let's be honest. A guy will do anything for the promise of sex. Especially with a princess. Go see a Kate Hudson movie? Sure. Drive an hour to the Apple Festival? Sounds like fun. Save the f--king world? Well, yeah, okay. I guess. *whispers something dirty* Where's my gun?
  • Am I the only one who found every guy in this movie absurdly handsome? Like, what the Hell is going on here? I don't recall any naked women, but...my constant need to stare at something beautiful was still met. Fully.
  • And finally, the real eye-candy...the church scene. Hallelujah! I had heard about it, and how it was *so good*, but it might honestly be one of the most incredible movie scenes I have ever laid my eyes on. I'm actually pissed that someone didn't tie me to chair with a hole in it and swing a rope into my balls until I gave in and watched this scene. And just as I was noting that it's all downhill from the church scene...something just as incredible happened! I was so happy, I thought my head was going to burst.
Okay, four out of five of these people are awesome.
I'll let you figure it out.
Booooooooo!
  • The suit is the modern gentleman's armor. No wonder I feel like such a pussy.
  • So, that secret elevator? That thing is balls slow. Like, if there was an incident...we're all f--ked.
  • That flood the barracks scene was messed up. 
  • So is f--king McDonald's for dinner! What the shit is this? Chik-fil-A, maybe? I'd even take a Royale with Cheese.
  • Look, I've taken some brutal final exams, but the last test for Kingsman? F--k that. I think pulling the trigger should fail your ass.
  • Roxy, congrats. You've made it. Your first assignment: go to f--king space and shoot a f--king missile. Thanks, dear.
  • If the world ever ends like this, I'm going to be pissed that I didn't get an invite to the secret lair where all the rich people go. I'm also going to be mad that private jet pilots will comprise a good portion of the new world's population. A-holes.
  • Was that Dr. Evil's lair?
  • And finally, though it's not really their fault, let me Boo everyone in front of and behind the camera on this film. Yes, you have all made an instant classic in terms of spy movies, something I will recommend without reservation. But you guys also f--king ruined me. The next movie I saw? A spy flick. With handsome men in handsome clothes. It didn't have a church scene. It just felt like, you know, actual church.
I've heard that they are going to make another Kingsman flick, and after seeing this one, it's easily one of my most anticipated upcoming (action) movies. But is there anyway that Matthew Vaughn is going to be able to top this one? Is it possible that he can cook up something better than this story, than that scene?


Not a chance in Hell.

18 comments:

  1. My biggest dilemma for my end of the year lists is gonna be whether to give the Church scene the first spot when it comes to best scenes of the year, or whether to go with Brothers in Arms from Fury Road. Today it's Fury Road, but who knows what it's gonna be tomorrow. I was shocked how much I loved that movie given that Vaugh made Kick-Ass, the worst shit ever, and Layer Cake which was terrible. But this rocked. I was surprised how many of my female friends were outraged about that ass joke. Jesus, it's not like the guy suggested it.

    Also seeing it in cinema was rad but the close up of JB in the scariest scene of the year traumatized me.

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    1. I'd probably need to see Mad Max again, but I can't think of a singular moment in MM that was as balls-to-the-wall insanity as the church scene. Mad Max was more of a consistently incredible spectacle, rather than one moment of pure INSANITY. Tough call, either way. I'm probably just leaning toward Kinsgman because it's fresh in my mind.

      I know you loathe Kick-Ass, but Vaughn has proven himself to be a force in the action genre. And shit, after this? Who knows how f--king crazy he'll go? (I don't think I ever watched Layer Cake..though I'm pretty sure I own it)

      I would have loved to have seen my wife's face during that line. But she was asleep, in another room, no less.

      Ha! I almost died during that scene. Seeing JB's little face on a forty foot screen would have sent me into cardiac arrest. Poor little pug.

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  2. That Church scene was insane. I dragged my feet on seeing this too, but I'm so glad I finally did. It was awesome. Not what I expected at all.

    And omg that Swedish princess at the end: "We can do it in the asshole." LOL

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    1. What the f--k is wrong with us? I know we've both seen some dumb shit when we totally had the opportunity to check this one out. Good thing we came to our senses.

      She had to say assshole, right? Like, butt or ass wouldn't have been enough.

      So classy!

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  3. This film is such a riot, I loved it. That being said, my girlfriend seriously hated it! I can see why it would be divisive :) Great review!

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    1. Whoa! I can't believe that anyone could HATE it, but I guess it's possible.

      But, clearly, I'm with you. A f--king riot indeed.

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  4. Now I have that 'Take me to Church' song stuck in my head.

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    1. Totally part of my evil plan, Fisti.

      Totally.

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  5. I agree completely, that church scene WAS one of the most incredible scenes I've ever laid eyes on as well

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    1. It's not even that they went for something that insane, which is nuts in itself, is that the damn thing is flawless. And, AND...

      ..it has f--king Colin Firth in it? How is that even remotely possible?

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    2. I loved how Colin Firth's character was similar to the gentleman-like characters he usually plays while also being a complete badass.

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    3. That's a good point. When he wasn't shooting and killing, Galahad was pretty Firthian, wasn't he?

      Awesome.

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  6. Love this movie. One giant Yay from me. Especially the church scene. I literally giggled all the way through it because I was tickled to death. It was like a remake of The Raid starring Colin Firth, but only a few minutes long. And who knew princesses liked it LIKE THAT. Probably post my own review next week.

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    1. I'm with you entirely, good sir. Yays all around. I went all high school on it, and paused that one dude getting his neck broken in the church. The Raid is an excellent call (especially when the sequel goes NUTS), but it was almost as if that little burst had more action, you know? I realize that's not the case...but it was so unbelievable it felt like the best thing ever.

      Dude, the way she dropped it LIKE THAT typified how this whole movie was just cranked to 11. If not 12.

      Looking forward to it!

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  7. You piqued my interest with Colin Firth and Michael Caine. And puppies.

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    1. If there's a better trio of things in this world, I have yet to come across it. I would fully snuggle up with each.

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  8. The movie wasn't really for me, but yeah, that church scene was incredible. A game-changer that makes any faults of the rest of the film immediately forgivable.

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    1. I had entirely too much fun with this one. I'm sure the film has its faults but I was having way too much to fun to find them. And even if I did, I likely wouldn't have cared. I'm still in shock, as I generally don't get surprised by mainstream flicks like this, you know?

      Game-changer? Totally.

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