Monday, August 3, 2015

I'm gonna watch you till I can't see you anymore.

Apparently, his name was Mikey.

And while my family was having a nice time at the pool this past week, little Mikey decided, perhaps inadvertently, f--k that. Oh, your daughter wants to go down the slide? Perhaps I'll run up it. Gee mister, your shirt looks dry. Maybe I should spit water on it. Hmm, looks like you're trying to take a cute picture of your son, huh? Perhaps I should dart in front of him, splashing your smartphone along the way. And while I'm sure you've got your own kids' safety to worry about, I'm going to take about a half dozen headers, running around the pool like an asshole.

While all of this was going down, while my little parade was being rained on, I could only think of one thing: where the f--k are this kid's parents? 

Unlike that (woefully) uninteresting tidbit from our vacation, I had a blast with writer/director Zak Hilditch's These Final Hours. Set in Australia during the final moments of Earth's existence, the film is a tensely gripping experience that shines a little ray of light on the darkest bits of humanity. When nothing really matters, should you do something that does?

Jimmy is kind of a f--k up. We meet him as he's making sweet love. Is this women his wife? His girlfriend? We're not sure. But it's clear he's got somewhere to be, and her desperate eyes aren't enough to make him stay.

So, he hits the road and we get an intimate look at the end of civilization. Freaks of all kinds are out and about and it's pretty f--king clear, all bets are off. After outrunning a crazy f--ker with a knife, ol' James sees some burly bastard hauling a little girl into his house. With the clock ticking, and an invitation to the Last Great Party in the history of time, Jimmy does not what we expect, but what we hoped: He goes inside and saves the day.

Not that you can blame her, but Rose isn't exactly the best co-pilot on what amounts to a Kamikaze mission. She's been separated from her father and is Hell bent on spending her final moments with family. Jimmy, even though he's shown us he's a good guy, could give a shit, as the call of the party (and a certain ladyfriend) is too compelling. His plan? He'll drop her off at his sister's house. She has two daughters around Rose's age, so it's all pretty win-win.

Or so you'd think.

I'd rather not ruin it any further, but in a cinematic landscape littered with end-of-the-world flicks, it's safe to say I really appreciated what These Final Hours offered. Jimmy's story, and his relationship with Rose was very well done and utterly (and surprisingly) compelling. Under the pressure of impending doom, it was beautiful to see a guy who never really saw anything through, give his final moments to a child, i.e. the ultimate responsibility.

Free of such burdens, are the Yays and Boos. They've never really been responsible for anything. Well, outside of wasting your time.

This is a party, Rose.
Just make sure, you don't make it a pool party.
  • There's a very sweet radio show playing throughout and the guy broadcasting is just about perfect. 
  • So, that huge party that Jimmy's heading to? Let's just say it doesn't disappoint. It's like Eyes Wide Shut without the masks. Or the rules.
  • Vicky, who we'll discuss further in a minute, atones for her lifetime of being and annoying wench in the most badass way possible. If my family we'rent sleeping, I would have stood and applauded.
  • Ha. Apparently, even with the world about to end, you can still argue with your mom about not visiting enough, 
  • Down Under is to Die For. There are some moments in this movie that are absolutely breathtaking. Even with a fiery Hell racing toward it, Australia looks like heavenly.
  • These Final Eighty-one Minutes! Fantastic runtime, thank you very much.
  • And finally, as I slogged through up there, the relationship between Rose and Jimmy. Their journey, like being a parent, is awkward and difficult, but it's clear by the end that they would do anything for each other.
Good thing he needs that walkie-talkie.
Otherwise, I'm assuming those camo undies would be superfluous.
  • Jimmy's sisters house. Let's just say...he probably should have called first. 
  • That party was pretty rad. But, I have this weird feeling, even if the world was going to end...I'd still be a f--king square.
  • Pool Lady Pool Lady Pool Lady. She's terrifying.
  • And speaking of, Jimmy? Dick move, mate. You deserve that...flaccidity.
  • Vicky, you bitch. First, you dress like a reject from Olivia Newton John's Physical video. Second, painting the fallout shelter is the dumbest idea ever. And third? You're the craziest person in your family. And Underwear Gun guy is your brother.
  • Speaking of...this dude pictured above? Shocking no one...he's kind of an asshole.
  • It's the end of world, and we all need a ride, but stealing a dude's car while he's taking a piss. I don't know...seems like a bitch move, you know?
  • Rose's aunt's house. *shudder*
  • And finally, the end of humanity. It's kind of magical how perfectly absurd the final moments are. They did that? No. But then they did that? Yessss.
When Mikey left the pool, he was quickly replaced by a shuffling, portly woman with a one year-old daughter and a three year-old son. Where did she sit? Basically about twenty feet away from each of them. It got so uncomfortable, that I started making plans as to what I was going to do with my own kids when one of hers fell in the damn water. 

This was my vacation, and I was as stressed out as I've ever been. The pool's a bummer-free zone, lady. Not the place to the place to burden a stranger with your kid.

Especially one that's clearly an irresponsible f--k up. 'Cause losing a kid?

Shit. That'd be the end of the world.


  1. LOL...what is this movie? The poster is all sorts of 'YA Sci-Fi Novel', right? That said, this sounds like a good least a much better time than visiting the pool!

    1. Ha. You're right. You have to get past the poster. It looks like something that should feature Nic Cage or Kirk Cameron.

      That's a good flick. Not great...but an interesting look at what one would do with the end of their life. I dug it.

      I HATE the that I have kids that love it. It used to be Treacherous.

  2. This sounds pretty interesting. I'm sure I would've saw that dramatic poster and skipped over it, but now I want to check it out.

    I'm sorry you had such a shit time at the pool! The pool is kind of the worst though. My 3 year old thinks he needs to talk to EVERYBODY so I spend most of time telling him to leave them alone lol

    1. It was one of those movies that kept popping up all over my Netflix homepage, so I thought f--k it, and went for it. And, as I mentioned, it's short. Incredibly short. Please let me know what you think if you do indeed check it out. I hate to be the only guy that's seen something (it's usually the other way around, which I'm way more comfortable with).

      That final kid at the pool, the one with his little sister there, too? He was like your son. We'd turn around and he'd be sitting there, shoulder-to-shoulder, with one of us. Not even saying anything. Just chilling.

  3. Bad parents are the worst. Now that I'm a parent I get really irritated with crappy parents. I really don't understand people who don't keep watch over their kids and just let them do whatever they want. Children under 5 are basically cave people and they need to be monitored. We will eventually be taking a trip to Orlando with our 2 year old--who doesn't walk...but runs away from us at every opportunity, so I have been trying to get her acclimated to a baby leash when in crowded areas. The looks I get from people are hilarious. It's like..."yeah that's right I got my kid on a leash. Judge me if you will, but I don't have a spare kid I can afford to lose."

    Nice writeup. I see you've been cleaning out the Netflix queue. This one is also in my queue. I have to be in a gloomy mood to watch this. I'm sure a gloomy mood will come as soon as I'm on vacation.

    1. This lady made me feel like an overbearing hawk, but I there's no way I'd give them that much room AT A POOL. No way. And it's funny you mention the leash, because my wife invested in one recently as well. When I rolled my eyes, she just gave me the look. I kept my mouth shut.

      I have been working through all kinds of random stuff on Netflix, but I need short, and Netflix does sub-90 minute films better than anyone.

  4. I'll be honest, this looks and sounds like a low budget crap-fest, but for some reason I feel like I need to watch it at least once...

    As for your pool experience, totally agree with your opinion on absent parents. Those kids you see running around crazy with no parent in sight are often the same ones who have never been disciplined for misbehaving. I don't know how many times I would take my kid to the park only to have someone's spoiled rotten brats running around me as annoying as can be(throwing sand/wood chips, misusing the equipment, and not listening when their parent tells them it's time to leave). My priority was always my daughter's safety, whether little Johnny falls off the slide or slams into a steel jungle gym is on his parents conscience.

    1. There's a hint of low-budget crappiness, but it was only for a minute or two at the beginning. And maybe the end, too.

      Kids at the park are equally bad. You try and teach your kids the right way to do things, and instantly some little punk is climbing up the slide, or scaling some wall he shouldn't be. And sometimes, when I hear a curse word or two, I just about lose my shit.

      Little Johnny! What a little shit.

  5. Strangely, this one is not in my queue. Think I zipped past a time or two and didn't really pay attention to it. Have to change that. And the lady at the pool? Smh.

    1. I hope you dig it as much as I did. It's another intimate look at the end of the world, but there's something unique about it, too.

      Pool Lady. Ugh.