Wednesday, August 5, 2015

The journey sucks.

Though in most cases hate is too strong of a word, let me tell you, I f--king hate being a tourist. I love going to new places, sure, but doing anything that falls in the vicinity of oh, you have to see/do/go/eat at/be a f--king asshole near _______ makes me die inside. Instantly. Maybe it's growing up in Hawai'i, where tourists are like cockroaches, unwelcome but apparently necessary. Or maybe it's the fact that despite the contents of this blog, I'm not a huge fan of looking like a clueless dickhead. 

Oh, and if I did ever manage to go to some tourist trap...I sure as Hell wouldn't want to do it again.

The preview looked like it was possibly the right kind of stupid, but hours after catching the new Vacation theatrically, I'm thinking this one might be better served on the small screen. It's probably not as bad as you've heard, but the Griswold's latest family outing is like any trip with two kids: not as much fun as you'd hoped it would be.

The plot is secondary, as everyone knows it's simply a rehash of the first Vacation film. That ain't the problem. While the first one (in faint retrospect, anyway) felt like a cohesive story about a relatively believable family, the second one shits all over that idea and opts for a series of nonsensical gags instead. Yes, the plan is to still get to WallyWorld, but along the way it's like a loosely connected string of SNL skits. Some bits are hilarious, some utterly cringe-worthy, while all of them manage to last just a little too long.

Okay, Blogger Guy, enough with the bullshit: is it funny? Obviously I can only speak for myself, but there were at least two scenes I couldn't breathe during, I was laughing so hard. The rest of the film was like putting a clown on a horse: Steady chuckles.

Oh, f--k off. I took a shot, okay?

Speaking of potential misfires, lets talk about Ed Helms. While Helms has been steadily playing a version of his character in The Hangover for years, here he's cast as a grown-up Rusty, which all things considered, is a fairly solid choice. It allows him to keep the streak alive.

This is easily the best twelve inches two minutes of this entire film.
The main problem, is while Chevy Chase's Clark was an idiot, too, he seemed liked a good Dad. At least well-intentioned. Rusty, despite having a solid job and a lovely wife, may actually be retarded. He routinely says and does the dumbest shit possible. I know, anything for a laugh, but Clark felt like a person you'd know. Ol' Russ feels like a character you'd write. 

The Yays and Boos probably shouldn't be written either, but let's be honest, when it comes to movies (and movie blogging): even bad ideas should be fully executed.

  • The movie opens with Holiday Road. Like, first-ballot soundtrack Hall-of-Fame Holiday Road.
  • I assume they're all real, but regardless, the family photo montage is pretty damn funny (Rollercoaster Vomit Guy being a particular stand-out).
  • The old car. Dope as f--k.
  • I thought I'd hate it, but Korean GPS is f--king awesome.
  • I hate to say it took me a second, but raising money for Ass Burgers research is all kinds of awesome. Much like the breasts on the main sorority chick, in fact.
  • Dude, Kiss from a Rose is a great song. And with Helms belting it out? It's even better.
  • It's such an obvious joke (many of them are), but watching Rusty and his wife attempt to scrub a spray-painted dick off the car cracked me up. You get the balls, I've got the shaft.
  • We're treated to some Four Corners sex. Well, we would have been, until the cops arrive and destroy each other.
  • Leslie Mann is pretty solid in her minute of screen time. That Pearl Harbor comment killed me.
  • Charlie Day gets maybe two or three minutes and they are golden. I actually think this is the highest I've ever heard him go. Honestly, it might be worth the price of admission just to see Day lose his f--king mind in spectacular fashion.
  • Also spectacular, is this wild fight scene near the end of the film. The slo-motion is very impressive, especially when it features an epic vagina punch.
  • And finally, Mjolnir. Okay, fine Thor's hammer isn't in this film. Well, not the one that you're thinking about, anyway. That said, I actually cried during this scene, only because it looked like Hemsworth was about to as well. If you can make it through his remote control guidance without pissing yourself, you're a better person than I am. A f--king liar, too.

Funny? No. F--king disgusting? Yes.
  • Good God, those turbulence jokes wouldn't stop. I was hoping the plane would actually crash. Into the theater I was sitting in.
  • He may have been the star of the preview, but that hardcore little a-hole, Kevin, is actually kind of a downer most of the time. The shock value wears off, and it's like I'd like to put a garbage bag over this kid's face.
  • I really appreciated the digs at Albanian technology, especially because my wife is HALF Albanian. Ha ha, honey. Oh, wait...I always forget about my kids. My QUARTER Albanian kids. 
  • The Chug Run went on far too long. Why is she puking so much? Because she too, is sick of this shit.
  • I realize this isn't f--king Avatar, but the two times we need CGI, it's literally the f--king worst. An airplane? We have to computer generate something that actually exists and can be seen f--king always? The shit is this?
  • I laughed, sure, but that ball of pubic hair was soooo nasty. Yikes.
  • The rimjob joke. I hate to be That Guy, but I totally knew this was coming. It could have been any sexual term, like the Alaska Pipeline (don't look it up), but they had to go rimjob. I will give them credit, though, as it actually was referenced twice. Usually dumb misunderstanding jokes get one shot and die, but not here.
  • And finally, Chevy Chase. I'm not gonna boo him for looking super-old, super fat, and totally out of his f--king mind. I'm gonna boo the fact that that's likely where I'm headed. Say it ain't so, Sparky.
You know, I'd like to thank you for visiting my blog and appreciate that you came all the way over here. Of all the places you could frequent, you chose Two Dollar Cinema. That's aaaamazing! Feel free to stop by anytime. In fact, next time, you should stay even longer. Maybe even bring that lovely wife and/or husband of yours. That'd be so much fun!

Bye bye! *big wave*

F--king tourist.


  1. Your review is probably the most forgiving one I've read so far and somehow I am still excited for this movie since I was a fan of the original movies. I am worried for Spider-Man though considering these guys who are coming up nasty, gross-out humor are going to try to write a John Hughes inspired Spider-Man film.

    1. I hope that my kindness isn't a sign of stupidity, as I felt that way after liking A Million Ways to Die in the West. What can I say? If I'm laughing, even little laughs, more than I'm not...well, you can't be too pissed, right? (Oh, and at 5 bucks I'm generally stoked anyway)

      Yikes. I forgot about the Spider-Man thing. Shit. That's not good.

  2. Yeah, I'm definitely saving this one for Netflix. Though I'm really curious to see what this gorgeous specimen that is Chris Hemsworth is all about. Great review!

    My favorite thing about tourists is when they have a massive camera hanging off their neck. It's like a uniform.

    1. Gurl, you should see pictures of me in Europe. I was TOURIST! Me and my bestie were running around like girls at a One Direction concert, snapping pictures of everything, even snapping pictures of each other snapping pictures. I don't think I took two steps without snapping a picture. Came home and have over 8,000 photographs of our two week trip!

    2. Brittani - Netflix will be perfect for this one. And Hemsworth. Holy shit his character is funny. He's like a infinitely handsomer Ricky-Bobby...with a toddler arm in his pants.

      My favorite thing about tourists is how I'm assume they're nice people at home, maybe even borderline sophisticated. Then they go on vacation and become raging f--ktards.

      Like someone we know, perhaps. Perhaps.

  3. OMG! When you said that Ed Helms may actually be retarded, I almost spit coffee.

    Still my favorite movie reviewer in the blogosphere, Mario!

    1. Shit. I probably should delete that last comment then.

      (hahaha thanks, Fisti)

    2. Dude, I'd NEVER bring the wife and kids to your site. Ever.


    3. Man, I'm gonna need some lotion for that burn.

  4. If I hate Ed Helms should I see it? I like Christina and Chris...but Helms makes me wanna stab him to death. My soul died a bit every single time he opened his mouth in the Office.
    My soul was tortured and then died every single time he sings.

    1. I liked Helms in the Office, and he's hard to swallow here. (and yes, he sings...but I liked that, too)

      But...Holy shit is Hemsworth awesome. Like, beyond-ridiculous-with-his-magic-dick awesome

  5. This review is probably far funnier than the least judging by the trailer, which sucked. I'll probably see this some time next year.

    1. Well, being that this review isn't even remotely funny, that's still probably an apt way to put it.

      Actually, Dell, I think I'm just piling on. This one isn't THAT bad. Perfectly good for some cheap laughs, and the occasional flash of boob. How mad can you get?

  6. 1. Yeah I just googled Alaska pipeline. Well... It's nice to learn about existance of new things. I guess. *prays for a new plague*

    2.guess who is gonna rewatch this literal shit show tomorrow for 5 minutes of Hammer