Just forget I said anything, okay?

I guess they're headaches. At least I hope they are. (I honestly feel as if headache is the most arbitrary term)

Sometimes, I'll go to put my deodorant on...and I've already done it.

And when I give directions? I'll use the word thing more often than not. Grab the thing, turn left at the thing. Oh, and don't even ask about receiving directions. I think my face contorts to something like Sloth from The Goonies if there's more than one step.

But what really scares the shit out of me? It's this alleged tender moment I'll often share with my dog, Dodger. No, not that kind of tender moment, you f--king sicko. No, it's this moment where his whole world stops. And he'll kind of glide over to me, staring me straight in the eyes, and get his face so close to mine. I pet him, smile like this is beautiful, but really I'm thinking: he smells my brain about to explode.

Don't think I'm making light of any hint or form of neurological disorder, believe me, I'm not. But after sweating all the way through the captivating Still Alice (or as I call it, F--k That: The Movie), I've started second-guessing just about everything in my life. Sure, slasher films and torture porn can make you jump, but early-onset Alzheimer's? That's where the big scares are.

Julianne Moore plays Alice, a fifty year-old linguistics professor who is absolutely blindsided by the progressive disease. Initially, it's all Sorry, I'm drawing a blank and Your name again?, but it quickly deteriorates into something much worse. Soon, Alice doesn't remember where she is, or how she could possibly know that nice actress from the play. I don't have any real firsthand experience with the disease, but here it's portrayed in what feels like a very honest and very sincere fashion. 

And it's horrific. I'm sorry, did I already mention that?

Anyway, while I assumed this movie was going to be a grind (I'm not the biggest fan of Moore, truth be told), it was anything but. Honestly, my wife and were riveted the entire time. Yes, the performances are great, and the story compelling, but that I expected. But what blew me away? The pace. Still Alice is f--king breakneck. 

What won't move at any speed, let alone a fast one, are the Yays and Boos. If my mind ever starts to go, hopefully these to two will be the first things I forget. And Jurassic World. I'm kidding. Just the parts with people.

I'm pretty sure the Prop Guy is gonna get fired. I mean...
where are the motherf--king baguettes?

Yaaay!

• So, Kristen Stewart is in this...and, well, I kind of loved her. I don't know why I always root for this chick, but what can I say? Oh, it doesn't hurt that Stewart's Lydia is the best person in this family.
• Speaking of, there was a moment where I kind of hated her, but then she did this thing I've read about on the Internet. It's called...apologizing, or something? I think it might catch on.
• And finally, as awful as these moments can be, there's a Triumphant Speech! that Alice has to give, and I'm not gonna lie, I actually felt proud of her. Oh, you and your rolling eyes can go f--k off, okay? A-hole.

Remember, if it lasts longer than four hours...
consult your doctor immediately. 

Booooooooooo!

• Okay, so Linguistics Proffesor Lady plays Words with Friends? Shit. I'm pretty sure she's the only person I've ever been paired with. Or, I'm a moron. One of those.
• Sweetheart. Those are real careers. Ouch. 
• Text message, sent by pre-Alzheimer's (college professor) Alice: Where r u? No way that happens. Not buying it.
• Hey, good news! You've got a life-crippling disease that's going to rob you or just about everything you cherish in this world! Um, what's the bad news? There's a fifty-fifty chance...you're kids are going to get it! *insert Krusty the Clown laugh here*
• I've never put shampoo in the fridge...but I've found the remote in there.
• Yo, student comments aren't to be trusted. Ever. Unless they're the ones with "N/A" all over them. Those are mine.
• Ugh. Alice goes to a home...er, for her parent. This place is pretty gnarly, and it's likely a nice facility. Imagine what happens to those of us who aren't one half of a super couple.
• It's nice to take your wife to the beach, John (Alec Baldwin), but, my man? Mixing it up on her ain't exactly the best idea, you know?
• And speaking of, if you're going to cast Alec Baldwin as a married guy, and he's going to be aloof? Well, I'm going to assume he's a cheating prick.
• I thought you were my sister. This may be the worst thing said in the entire film, if not of all-time.
• And finally, there's a plan put in place by the fully-aware Alice that's pretty f--king sad if you think about it. Was that an app? I don't think Android has that one. At least, I hope they don't.

I'm just over a month away from my 36th birthday. Crazy, right? You read this and think, Wow. This young man has entertained me once again. He writes like he's not a day over 16. So handsome, he must be. That's how you sound, right? I'm sure of it.

Or at least I think I am.

Wait. What we were talking about? 

I didn't catch your name. Or your dog's. 

Is he always this friendly?