Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Just forget I said anything, okay?

I guess they're headaches. At least I hope they are. (I honestly feel as if headache is the most arbitrary term)
Sometimes, I'll go to put my deodorant on...and I've already done it.
And when I give directions? I'll use the word thing more often than not. Grab the thing, turn left at the thing. Oh, and don't even ask about receiving directions. I think my face contorts to something like Sloth from The Goonies if there's more than one step.

But what really scares the shit out of me? It's this alleged tender moment I'll often share with my dog, Dodger. No, not that kind of tender moment, you f--king sicko. No, it's this moment where his whole world stops. And he'll kind of glide over to me, staring me straight in the eyes, and get his face so close to mine. I pet him, smile like this is beautiful, but really I'm thinking: he smells my brain about to explode.

Don't think I'm making light of any hint or form of neurological disorder, believe me, I'm not. But after sweating all the way through the captivating Still Alice (or as I call it, F--k That: The Movie), I've started second-guessing just about everything in my life. Sure, slasher films and torture porn can make you jump, but early-onset Alzheimer's? That's where the big scares are.

Julianne Moore plays Alice, a fifty year-old linguistics professor who is absolutely blindsided by the progressive disease. Initially, it's all Sorry, I'm drawing a blank and Your name again?, but it quickly deteriorates into something much worse. Soon, Alice doesn't remember where she is, or how she could possibly know that nice actress from the play. I don't have any real firsthand experience with the disease, but here it's portrayed in what feels like a very honest and very sincere fashion. 

And it's horrific. I'm sorry, did I already mention that?

Anyway, while I assumed this movie was going to be a grind (I'm not the biggest fan of Moore, truth be told), it was anything but. Honestly, my wife and were riveted the entire time. Yes, the performances are great, and the story compelling, but that I expected. But what blew me away? The pace. Still Alice is f--king breakneck. 

What won't move at any speed, let alone a fast one, are the Yays and Boos. If my mind ever starts to go, hopefully these to two will be the first things I forget. And Jurassic World. I'm kidding. Just the parts with people.

I'm pretty sure the Prop Guy is gonna get fired. I mean...
where are the motherf--king baguettes?
  • So, Kristen Stewart is in this...and, well, I kind of loved her. I don't know why I always root for this chick, but what can I say? Oh, it doesn't hurt that Stewart's Lydia is the best person in this family.
  • Speaking of, there was a moment where I kind of hated her, but then she did this thing I've read about on the Internet. It's called...apologizing, or something? I think it might catch on.
  • And finally, as awful as these moments can be, there's a Triumphant Speech! that Alice has to give, and I'm not gonna lie, I actually felt proud of her. Oh, you and your rolling eyes can go f--k off, okay? A-hole.
Remember, if it lasts longer than four hours...
consult your doctor immediately. 
  • Okay, so Linguistics Proffesor Lady plays Words with Friends? Shit. I'm pretty sure she's the only person I've ever been paired with. Or, I'm a moron. One of those.
  • Sweetheart. Those are real careers. Ouch. 
  • Text message, sent by pre-Alzheimer's (college professor) Alice: Where r u? No way that happens. Not buying it.
  • Hey, good news! You've got a life-crippling disease that's going to rob you or just about everything you cherish in this world! Um, what's the bad news? There's a fifty-fifty're kids are going to get it! *insert Krusty the Clown laugh here*
  • I've never put shampoo in the fridge...but I've found the remote in there.
  • Yo, student comments aren't to be trusted. Ever. Unless they're the ones with "N/A" all over them. Those are mine.
  • Ugh. Alice goes to a, for her parent. This place is pretty gnarly, and it's likely a nice facility. Imagine what happens to those of us who aren't one half of a super couple.
  • It's nice to take your wife to the beach, John (Alec Baldwin), but, my man? Mixing it up on her ain't exactly the best idea, you know?
  • And speaking of, if you're going to cast Alec Baldwin as a married guy, and he's going to be aloof? Well, I'm going to assume he's a cheating prick.
  • I thought you were my sister. This may be the worst thing said in the entire film, if not of all-time.
  • And finally, there's a plan put in place by the fully-aware Alice that's pretty f--king sad if you think about it. Was that an app? I don't think Android has that one. At least, I hope they don't.
I'm just over a month away from my 36th birthday. Crazy, right? You read this and think, Wow. This young man has entertained me once again. He writes like he's not a day over 16. So handsome, he must be. That's how you sound, right? I'm sure of it.

Or at least I think I am.

Wait. What we were talking about? 
I didn't catch your name. Or your dog's. 

Is he always this friendly?


  1. Oh man, this one bored the shit out of me, kudos to the wife for staying awake! Moore was good but in no way did I find her Oscar worthy here, it was just typical disease movie made to win awards for her. At least it got people to warm up to Kristen, though.

    1. BORED! Really? I thought it was going to bore the shit out of me, but I was f--king HOOKED. Like, I thought it moved at a ridiculous pace. But, I am a bit of a simpleton. Watching water boil is pretty intense for me, too.

      I liked Stewart's character, but didn't think the performance (or role, actually) gave her THAT much to do.

      Oh, c'mon, 'disease movie'? That's harsh. It's better than that!

      Isn't it?

  2. "Fuck That: The Movie" is a perfect title. I wasn't crazy about this at all. Good performances, but too stale. It bothers me that Moore won an Oscar for playing a sick person when Rosamund Pike and Marion Cotillard were leagues ahead of her. I'm glad you and your wife liked it though. Nice write up!

    1. That's so strange that neither of you liked it (um, at all). I thought it was fast paced and interesting the whole way through...and I don't really like Moore. Hmm. Guess I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

      Pike was awesome, and super hot, I didn't see Cotillard, but she's maybe the most beautiful woman alive. Both have my votes. For everything. Ever.

  3. YES!

    I was really surprised by this one as well, and Moore earned that Oscar (Pike was very good, but I think Moore was a touch better...and Cotillard should have won, hands down, but that wasn't happening so I'm very OK with this win). She nailed this...the panic over her deteriorating condition...UGH! She broke my heart so much.

    So glad you liked this one!


    2. Oh, more of this please. This is fantastic. Fisti hates me for hating Frozen, then has my back on Still Alice, where no one else does, and then Sati throws up awesome pics off Tom Cruise and I JUST DIE.

      Pretty sure this is why I don't go to sleep early. No, no. I'm positive this is why.

    3. LOL, Sati...I just, honestly...I mean, I know that you think she made this to get awards, but she really didn't. It's an independent film with a nobody director/writer team with a budget to blink at and no indication that it would get anywhere near anything other than maybe a Spirit nom. It's not like Moore's name has any real pull with Oscar at this point in her career. She was passed over for many of her more prestigious decisions. She made this because she felt passionate about it...and she poured her heart into it and it payed off for her.

      I mean, like Mario said, disease movie is a tad harsh.

      AND...she did NOT whore herself out to get that Oscar, either.

    4. More! More! I'm digging this.

      And Fisti, I really appreciate the insight into Moore's decision to make this. I never consider anything outside of what's on screen, as I'm pretty f--king clueless about, well...everything. Good stuff!

      I think any movie about a disease can be looked at as bait-y, right? It's just the nature of the beast, in my opinion. It's like a period movie. Or something with British people.

  4. "Fuck That" The Movie," now that title is pure gold.