Sunday, March 18, 2012

Can't fight the devil without the armor.

You want to know scary? Have a child - be responsible for a life. But what's even worse than general worry? Throw illness on top of that. Specifically, unannounced vomiting. Yeah, that's shit's terrifying. Last night, I managed to watch The Last Exorcism. And while it had a moment or two of uneasiness, waiting for the next round of Linda Blair-style emissions from a two-and-half-year old is truly shudder-worthy. Truly.

Put a couch under her back and you get exactly how my son fell asleep tonight.
When I got this movie from Goozex, I thought it was something else. For some reason, I thought I was getting the yet unreleased (on blu ray), The Devil Inside. I know, what an idiot, but there are some similarities. Both are of the ever-burgeoning/dying slowly found footage variety. Both deal with exorcisms. And both, depending on who you ask, suck gigantic amounts of ass. Now, I didn't see The Devil Inside, but I can tell you now, this movie is not as horrible as the good folks at The Internet would lead you to believe. It's not great. Not at all. But, as a chaser to around seven hours of college basketball - it's not the worst thing ever. Matty throwing up on the couch? That's on the list.

The Last Exorcism tells the story of Cotton Marcus, a highly engaging preacher who is, well, completely full of shit. Oh, this isn't a secret at all, he tells us right out of the gate. He's a family man and, like the rest of us, has bills to pay. Exorcisms are his business, and business is good (that was my attempt to sneak in a Major Payne quote), Anyway, he and a camera crew set out to film all the shenanigans. He wants to expose the scams. So this should be cut and dry, right? Shockingly, not so much.

Before I head to the breakdown. let me say that for a PG-13 horror flick, starring no one, I wasn't expecting much. Sure, it probably could have been better, but overall I was entertained. Not engrossed, but I wasn't checking my phone either. So, if you have 87 minutes to spare, give it a spin. At least then you get to voice your opinion on the ending, and apparently that's a bit um, divisive.

He entertains like nobody's business.
  • Give it up for Patrick Fabian. I checked his filmography and outside of General Hospital...this is it. I thought he kicked ass, regardless.
  • Crucifix burns your skin? Nickel allergy.
  • What gore we get is decent. Poor kitty.
  • Nell. You are one scary/freaky bitch. I'd give you my boots, too. Oh, and stay out of my hotel room.
  • Screw you guys, but I'm going to say that the ending was good. I think. Whatever. Don't you judge me.
So, totally hot right? Wait, I meant nuts. Totally nuts.
  • It's not really scary. Even when you think, oh shit - it's on now, it really isn't. Well, until the end anyway.
  • Hey look! A picture of all of us dying! That's funny. Should we leave? Nah.
  • When Nell's possessed, guess what her go to move is? Projectile vomiting? Good guess. F--king dude's up? Nice try. Um, running away? Genius!
  • I think even the gnarliest of demon's wouldn't botch the term blowjob.
  • Did Hellboy make a cameo? I'm serious. I swear I saw that little red bastard.
With the NCAA tournament half over, hopefully I will be watching more movies in the coming days. Unless, of course, my son continues to throw up all over the place, poor kid.

Now that's March Madness


  1. I didn't like this one because I thought they sort of cheated a lot with the found-footage aspect with having music and too much camera edits. Still though, the performances were pretty good and felt more realistic than the actual flick itself. Good review M. Brown.

  2. Hey Dan, thanks for stopping by.

    I think it's in the audience's best interest to ignore the found footage rules. I had read some others beefs with the music and such, but at this point - bend the rules, who cares?

    As for the performances, I completely agree. They were very well done.

  3. You know, when I would ask ma what it was like to raise all her children, she would talk about kids puking, and she wouldn't be able to finish her sentences because she would be laughing so hard. She would say, "It was like..hahaha, it was like, oh my god, hahahaha, it was a riot, you kids..oh my god it was hilarious, you kids would VOMIT, hahahaha, you would VOMIT. PROJECTILE VOMITING. BLEEAAAUUUGGHHH!" And she would make hand motions of puke, and she would say, "Oh my god it's like The Exorcist, hahahahah my babies were possessed by the Devil, hahahahahaha."

    1. Thanks for that story. Confirms everything.

      I was totally adopted.