Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Let them know men did this.

I can't look at this guy and not want to say Jakesully in a goofy voice.
As a kid, I was enamored with Greek Mythology. I loved to hear stories about the Gods. In fact, when I was seven, my Dad took me to Greece. I remember visiting the Parthenon, Mt. Olympus and a few of the Greek Isles. There was also an epic heatwave. I remember people gathered under a tree as tightly as possible simply because it provided some respite from the sun. I also remember the beaches. In particular, the nude beaches. When you’re a kid and you’re staying with a family in a foreign country, it can be a bit of a shock. But when you go to the beach with said family and everybody drops trou? Well, that’s all together frightening. Excuse me, your balls are showing.

What does this have to do with last night’s movie? Nothing. Well, okay, if Clash of the Titans had some frontal nudity, yeah, it might have been more entertaining. But, honestly, I wasn’t really in it for that. I was actually boning up for the sequel, Wrath of the Titans, which hits theaters on March 30th. I'm going with people. Should be nuts.

This was my third attempt with Perseus and friends, but each time it knocked me the f—k out. Seriously, each time I started it prior, I ended up near comatose by about 25 minutes in. I can’t explain it. Maybe bad scripts make me drowsy.
If looking at her boobs turned you into stone? Well, I'd be screwed. Check that. We'd be screwed.
Anyway, this is a movie one of my co-workers has shown in his class a couple of times over the years. We teach middle school, so it was amusing to watch this and imagine their reactions. I bet it plays quite well in an eighth grade classroom. It’s loud, easy-to-follow and moves briskly. Perfect, right? Oh, and it has giant scorpions. FACT: Kids love giant scorpions.

Since this movie is two years old and nobody really seemed to care about it then, I won’t yammer on about the plot and such. I’d rather just get to the Yays and Boos, I-can’t-believe-I’m-going-to-see-part-2 style.

I will not look for you, I will not pursue you.
    • Liam Neeson’s Glowing Suit. It’s like the most badass prom tux ever. Or special armor you unlock after beating Soul Calibur for the 19th time. I call Kilik. Dude’s got reach.
    • The Gods conference room is pretty kickass. Love the flooring.
    • Zeus, you dog! Earth Girls Are Easy, indeed.
    • Flute humor. Priceless.
    • Even though they were kind of useless, I liked the two dudes who just decide to tag along. They’re like the Greek Frog Brothers.
    • Dude, Perseus. Your hot chick follows you everywhere and never gets old? High five on that, brother.
    • Medusa Battle! For PG-13, I was with it.
    • Do you think when Liam Neeson is in bed with a woman, and she reaches for his belt…do you think he ever whispers to her, Unleash the Kraken? I’m leaning toward, oh, yes.
    Much as I loved this guy, I also wanted to just punch him.
    • Okay, I kind of liked him (um, a lot), but what’s up with Charred Wood/Robot Guy? He’s nine feet tall, he drives a scorpion, and he can skip a coin like a bastard. All cool. But on the otherhand, he can say the word “together” but can’t announce his healing intentions? Hmm. Oh, and he’s also part bomb
    • Now I know what I should immediately do after my next giant scorpion battle. Gather my mates and have a hearty chuckle. And to think I was going to go with try to stop shitting.
    • Town Crier Guy. Wow, I really hated his face. Shouldn’t you be manning your post at Occupy Starbucks, I mean Argos, you worthless bastard.
    • I hate when characters are hiding in the frame. Yeah, I couldn’t see you from my couch, but someone actually in the scene with you? They should have seen you twenty minutes ago. But whatever. Wait quietly behind them and then stab them through the stomach. Fine. Damn Greeks. Always taking people from behind.
    • Killing the Kraken. Ridiculous. Turns out all he needed was a little head.
    • Hades. He didn’t look like Neeson’s brother. No. He looked like the brother of that dickhead train guy in Ghost. Remember that guy? I was/am legitimately afraid of him.
    • The very end. Turns out killing Hades will require only four things: A good one-liner, the Ben Franklin sword of doom, adjacent ocean (with glowing crack in floor) and about 15 seconds. Easy peasy.
    Wow, it almost appears that I had a good time with this one. Maybe I did. Or, more likely, I'm an idiot.


    1. I somehow never caught this one, and am not sure whether I'll get to the sequel either. They'll probably be showing it on TV this month though, so maybe I'll find a way to get into it.

      1. You're not missing much, but with horribly low expectations, it really isn't that bad.

        I read that everybody involved knows they botched the first one, so I'm a tad interested in how they redeem themselves.

        I'll let you know on the 30th!

    2. Good review! Also thought this was wicked boring. Liam Neeson just couldn't save it.

      Will wait for the sequel to hit DVD.