Saturday, March 10, 2012

I don't think any word can explain a man's life.

Measuring quality of society? Use pant height.

Whatever you're into, I want you to imagine the ultimate example of that particular thing. Whether it's music or movies, books or paintings, architecture or hell, even video games - just think about the most revered example of the medium.

Got something in mind? Good. Now imagine you have a crappy blog, and you have finally graced yourself with the epitome of your interest. Regardless of how you actually felt, what can you say about it? It's great! Yeah, no shit. It sucks! You sir, are an asshole. Either way you're screwed. Royally.

Today's film, is none other than Citizen Kane, considered to be the best movie ever made. Best. Movie. Ever.

F--k. So...I guess there go the Boos.

In your circle of friends - you probably fill a role. You might be Funny Guy. You could be Strong Man, or even The Smart One. Me? Shockingly, I'm Movie Guy (you know, the one all the men want to be, and the ladies want to be with). Movie Guy, until today, hadn't seen Orson Welles' masterpiece. What a fraud. A sexy, sexy fraud.

All wishful thinking aside, I knew that I needed to see this film. I knew it. But like calling your grandmother to thank her for the birthday five-spot, I just kept putting it off. For years. See, I refuse to watch movies (especially good ones) on television, so honestly, my chances to see Kane were rather limited. You'd think that being a Mass Comm major (read: slacker) in college would've forced the issue, but it didn't. My film classes focused on more, well, random stuff, like The Night of the Hunter and Desperately Seeking Susan. Oh, and we watched Bambi, too.

Though I really don't want to, I guess I should speak to the film itself. At the risk of sounding even less intelligent, I'll keep it extremely brief. The story is very interesting and I enjoyed watching Kane's descent into solitude. Welles' performance was truly epic. What was really incredible though, were the visuals. The shot compositions would impress if they were crafted last year, let alone 1941. Shots were framed in a way that there was literally no wasted space. The scene where the reporter makes a phone call in the night club left me awestruck. So too, the scene where young Kane is playing in the snow outside while his parents are discussing his future thirty feet in the foreground. So cool. Additionally, the camera makes so many frickin' incredible movements. I know, I know. No shit, holmes. It's f--king Citizen Kane! Damn it, Italics Guy. You're a real prick.

Look, this blog wasn't created so I could show you how smart I is. No. This blog is about the proliferation of tomfoolery (and trying to say the word boner, often). Okay, it's not about those things, either. Whatever. I guess what I'm saying is, there's a lesson here. We should watch great films. Definitely. Review them, too. But the greatest film? No more words are needed. Not even Rosebud.

Or boner.

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