Thursday, March 22, 2012

Sorry sir, I got shot earlier...

Are there any movies you've almost seen? Like, for whatever reason, it's just never happened. For me, it's usually that I fall asleep, or more likely, my son wakes up. A couple of times, I've even tried to see something theatrically more than once and it hasn't worked out. Last night's flick, The Man from Nowhere, is a perfect example of this phenomenon. I have owned this movie for exactly one year (don't ask), but finally managed to watch it last night.

...he was speaking another language. I'm pretty sure it was...Asian.
Since I'm kind of an hi-def slut, I limit myself to blu rays. Shit, I don't even have my DVD collection in the house anymore (it's in the shed). They are the bastard stepchildren of my movie-buying days (I'm proud to say, I've given that up for the most part). Anyway, had I opened this movie promptly, or had I removed the slipcover once, I would have read the quote "Greatest Knife Fight Ever. Period." Friends, I may be in my early-thirties, the father of a young boy, but don't think for a second I wouldn't drop everything for the promise of Greatest Knife Fight Ever. My rational mind wants to submit other movies, other knife fights perhaps, but then it says, Period. Well, f--k. Can't argue with that. I had wasted a year of my life watching movies that not only didn't feature the greatest knife fight ever. Some of those f--kers didn't have knives at all.

As for the movie itself, well, you've seen this one before. Recently in Drive (review) and before that in flicks like Taken and Leon: The Professional. This isn't a new story. Check this:

This scene was very cool. What's in the trunk? Not so cool.
Mysterious Guy wants to keep to himself. Someone, generally a kid or a woman (or a woman with a kid) breaks through the badass facade. Turns out that there's a really nice dude underneath, but he's got issues. Something in his past that he refuses to discuss ever. Oh shit. Guess what? That kid/woman/family gets caught up in some unsavory business and no one will help them. Surprise. Mysterious Guy is going to help. And by help, I mean kill. Often.

If you're not going to bother reading the rest of this - I don't blame you. There's a wealth of pornography a click away. Enjoy! But before you go, I just want to say that I am recommending this one. I know, sometimes I re-read these reviews and I have no idea whether I liked it or not. But I think this one might have enough going for it that you'll have a good time. Oh, and they're re-making it for American you can be an elitist douche and see it first! Huh, huh? Sounds pretty cool to me...

You stayed! Alright. Well, let's get on to the Yays and Boos, Korean-organ-farm style, shall we?  

You know that Knife Fight I might've mentioned? It's about to happen.
  • The girl is cute. That said, she will appear in the Boos.
  • My new nickname? Pawnshop Ghost.
  • Hairdryer torture? That's a new one. I was a fan.
  • Okay, I won't spoil much. But when he takes the knife from the short guy? I was so excited I think I shit everywhere.
  • In real life, jump kicking someone in a wheelchair is only moderately funny. In a Korean revenge flick? Hilarious!
  • A nail gun is used. A frickin' NAIL GUN.
  • Now I know how to solve the ol' bullet-proof glass problem.
  • Okay, the Knife Fight is quite possibly the best ever. In first-person, no less. But guess what? You also get the best hug ever. I'm not bullshitting you. Best hug. Ever.
  • And finally, our main man. I loved him. I liked watching him kick ass. But...I also liked just watching him. He's an interesting dude. And his hair is bad ass. Oh, and his attire. It ruled.
I want to quote Crocodile Dundee, but I'm holding back.
  • Small Girl? Your speeches may have been insufferable to listen to, but I was reading them. You're lucky. But real kids don't string that many sentences together. Sorry.
  • Deep-voiced Vietnamese Guy? I think I hate you, but I'm not sure.
  • You too, Jack Black Cop Guy. But you're kind of awesome. Damn it.
  • Bodies Exhibit shout out?
  • Bullet removal scene? Jeez.
  • If someone texts you '6413' tell your wife you love her. Quickly.
  • I thought that we were using the kids in some sort of awful sex-slave thing. It actually might be worse. Well, no, but it does suck.
  • Not sure if I loved him or not, but one of the two bad brothers/final bosses were kind of awesomely horrible. Pretty sure one of them is an actual video game character.
  • And finally, is this South Korea or South Compton? I haven't heard (well, read) so many bitches and motherf--kers since Menace II Society. And they didn't take to kindly to Koreans if I remember correctly.


  1. I love how super-cool badass movies like this and Drive still subscribe to what I now think of as the 'Barton Fink Wallis Beery Wrestling Picture Rules', i.e. using a woman or an orphaned kid ("or both, maybe?") to crack the hero's granite-hard persona.

    Still, looks like one to check out.

    1. I think it's certainly worth a go. Let me know what you think.

      As for the Rules, what else brings an old vet back into action? Isn't always a woman? Maybe an old partner or comrade, perhaps (though none come to mind)? Imagine if the guy was a happily married family man and completely well-adjusted? Then what? Oh, right. Kidnap his current wife and kid.

      Damn it.