Monday, April 23, 2012

Hello, my old friends.

There's a lot of sayings I hate, but number one on the list? No regrets. I hate a-holes who swear that when they look back on their life, they regret nothing. Bullshit. I regret typing that last sentence (needless profanity). I regret things I did last week (put fifty bucks in the tank and f--king gas prices dropped?). And most of all, I regret things I didn't do. Well, let's be clear, people I didn't do.

That's (mostly) a joke, but when I think back on my list of things I missed out on, I think back to one place, one time period: high school. Not sure what I would have told you during those years, but looking back? It was a really good time. Sure, I spent way too much of it in a movie theater and/or losing basketball games by hundreds of points, but still. High school f--king ruled.

Time's been kind to the guys. The ladies? Well, Nadia's still pretty hot.
Guess what? The fourth, yes fourth, American Pie film, American Reunion, also f--king rules. Seriously, I was floored by how much fun I had with this flick. Yeah, I went in not all that excited, but by the time it was over I had a huge, stupid smile on my face. It was like the first day of eleventh grade all over again. It started out business as usual. The same teachers, the same bastards I'd spent just about my whole life with. Then it happened. She showed up. New Girl. Oh. This changes everything.

If you've seen the first three, you're really missing out by not catching this one. Don't worry that not everything adds up (it's a thirteen year reunion, er, something? ), just be psyched that everyone's back. But, be warned. This is more of the same, by far. If you've hated any of the previous three, loathe Stiffler and/or Jim's Dad, or simply don't enjoy full frontals of smashed up johnsons - stay away. In fact, stop reading this review immediately and just start running. Fast. But for those jerks still with me? I'm telling you. Check it out. You might be surprised.

Before I break it down, I think the real magic here is, unsurprisingly, seeing the whole crew back together again. For me, a friendless nomad (in terms of my youth), these guys are the onscreen embodiment of my high school and college years. Jim, Oz, Finch, Kevin and Stiffler may have started out as generic stereotypes, but four (!) films later they have become relatively iconic representations of male youth. Misguided and horny, loyal and protective, Jim and his friends have grown up on screen. You can call it a cash grab if you want. Me? I just saw a bunch of old friends getting back together. Nothing wrong with that. Oh, and if you think this flick's a retread of the gags from the first three? C'mon, now. Think about what you do when you get together with old friends. The same shit you always did, right? Right.

Well, let's reminisce about the Yays and Boos, (sing it with me) 'we're-gonna-party-like-it's-1999' style.

 Please...I want you to come so bad.
  • Dude. This chick on the right? Ali Corbin? Goodness. Good. Ness. She's very cute. And she gets very naked. It's slightly creepy, but also incredibly awesome. Nice to meet you, Conflict of Interest.
  • The opening naughty scene. Equal parts super relatable/ I wish I could relate to that. I'll let you figure out what's what.
  • Stiffler. Same schtick. Same effect. Still awesome.
  • Okay, Oz's wife is crazy-hot. Like, sexiest woman alive type hotness. She was in this, too. Go get 'em, Ostreicher. Oh, and her interior designer guy? That guy has a magical ass. I mean that as seriously as I've ever said anything. Really.
  • Best line: I'm your dick. Or, I ain't worth jack-shit, D-Ron.
  • Jim's wish? Hopes to have the sex-life of Ricky Martin.
  • The return of the Sherminator. I can never hear the Terminator music enough. Add that to 'Little Furlong' and I'm a happy doucher.
  • Moms. We lost one (sad), we get a new one (whoa!), and then there's the one.
  • The final scene. That's how you send 'em out of the theater.
  • Tara Reid. I used to love you. Then I saw those pictures of you on the red carpet with your boob hanging out. Wait. That changed nothing.
  • Natasha Lyonne. Shockingly, I wanted a little more time with you. And your, um, date. Awesome! All of this applies to Shannon Elizabeth as well. All of it.
  • Kevin. I'm booing you only because you're like Doug in The Hangover. Congrats on being, uh, there.
  • Stiffler's Boss Guy. There aren't words. He's like a Persian troll.
Look, I realize I'm way too into the fourth American Pie movie. Waaaaay too into it. I'm still kind of shocked how much I liked it. What can I say? Maybe it was the timing of it. Maybe it was the low expectations (oh, and the free pass). Shit. Maybe it was even the crowd's fault (a real lively bunch, let me tell you). But, I'm going to stand by my review. I'm going to vouch for this one, big time.  

No regrets.


  1. The original gang is back and still have the comedic timing they did 13 years ago, which is always fun no matter what. There isn’t anything new or special about this entry into the series but for anyone who wants some nice 1999 nostalgia, then this is the perfect fit. Good review M. I liked it a lot more than the previous two sequels though, which may not be saying too much but still says something.

    1. Dan, you couldn't be more correct with this one. The nostalgia factor is off the charts. Sure, they all got a lot older, but so did the rest of us.

      I didn't revisit the first three prior to seeing this, but I'm pretty confident I'd give this one the sliver medal, easily.

  2. I think American Reunion has gotten a bum wrap...the box office says the film is a disappointment, but I disagree. I think Dan hit the nail on the head when he said that 13 years later, these guys still have that comedic timing and don't miss a beat. The movie was more about being nostalgic and showing where life took everyone. I thought it was a movie that the same crowd that grew up watching the guys could relate too, in some ways.

    I agree the girl next door, Kara, was hot as hell!! It would have been nice to have a bit more (a lot more) of Shannon Elizabeth.

    I'll stand alongside of you in vouching for the film. Anyone who may have been a fan of the original, owes it to themselves to see it.

    1. Joe! Thanks for stopping by. I agree with you as well. The writers of American Reunion were obviously fans and they pretty much nailed the tone of the original. Good stuff.

      As for more Shannon Elizabeth? Shit. Every movie could use more Shannon Elizabeth. I mean, they should revisit classics and throw her in Star Wars style. I'm down. And that Kara chick? Deceptively hot!

  3. I feel like this is one that I should maybe sneak into the theater to see, but not admit to any of my friends that I would actually go.

    You know, like I did with the first 3.... Oh, wait.

    Anyway, good job on this review. It got me interested in the film without giving away all the jokes that I presume are coming!

  4. NTEMP - Oh, c'mon. You saw the first three? You have to go!

    Imagine if we were talking about the original Batman films. I mean, not seeing the fourth one!? You would've missed out on BATMAN and ROBIN!

    Oh. Hold on a minute...