Monday, April 2, 2012

I'm going to bed, where hopefully, I've been all along.

As a parent who genuinely loves movies, I find children's movies equal parts fascinating and frustrating. Many of the major releases take years to create and it's baffling that something is turned out that isn't stellar. At what point do the creators just say screw it and churn out something half-assed knowing it's probably money in the bank regardless. Pixar, and to an extent, Dreamworks have consistently turned out timeless tales that appeal to everyone. These aren't great animated films. They're just great films period.

Yesterday's flick, Hop, isn't great. At all. In fact, I thought it pretty much sucked. I know that the target demographic likely doesn't include thirty-two year old asshats, but still. I wanted to like it, I really did. Watching my son squeal with delight during the preview made me damn near giddy. It's true. Seeing a mini-version of yourself sincerely excited about something - anything - is a great feeling. But for me, when it's a movie? Even better.

But, like Easter morning itself, this one runs out of joy quickly. Seriously, the guy who whipped up the preview deserves either a shiny award or a severe ass-kicking. Everything remotely funny or charming was nailed in the preview. So, what we're left with is eighty plus minutes of Easter basket grass. Oh, you can dig through it all you want.  But trust me, all the good stuff is long gone.

Kids flicks are riddled with cliches, right? Right. Guess what? This one is also a holiday movie, too. And not only that, it's basically a Christmas movie, too. I'm not upset that it's all been done before. I'm just pissed that it's all been done much, much better.

Let's put this bunny down with a mercy kill, shall we. Here are the Yays and Boos, we-used-to-hide-them-in-palm-trees style.

  • Having a bunny played by Russell Brand going to the Playboy Mansion is not for the kids, but it is kind of funny.
  • The stuffed bunny routine was in the preview, but it still made me smile.
  • As was the pooping jelly beans bit, but look at his face while he's going! Genius.
  • There's a nice Knight Rider joke in here. Not worth the price of admission, but decent.
  • Soundtrack H.O.F candidate: Every Rose Has Its Thorn. Oh, Bret Michaels. You power-ballad writing freak.
This is one of the better scenes. He's cuddly...and warm?
  • Gary Cole's in this? Yay! Oh, wait. He's not in the ballpark of funny. Damn.
  • This blonde chick is his sister? Boo. And I'm not sure if she's hot? Double Boo.
  • The Queen Latifah Factor. My friend refuses to endorse any movie with Queen in it. My version of this? Chelsea Handler. Why she's anywhere near a children's flick is beyond me. She shouldn't be near children at all. Or people.
  • There's a scene where I actually feel bad for Marsden. I was hoping Cyclops would fall from the ceiling and shoot an eye beam through his ass. It was the ventriloquist scene, if you're curious. I know. You weren't.
  • Last one. Is it a federal law that all bad kids flicks must end with the characters dancing during the credits? Just wondering.
Okay. Bitter Old Man is leaving now. Even I can recognize there's just way too much hate being thrown at a movie about the Easter Bunny. I mean it's called Hop. Speaking of, my son refuses to call the bunny E.B. No Dad, that's Hop. It's like Rio (review) all over again (the bird's name isn't's...oh, nevermind).


  1. I have no reason to see this ever. But all I have to say is every time I'm scanning through your reviews and I see the subject title you put on this one, it makes me chuckle. Every time. Rock on.

  2. You know, I'm glad somebody gets a chuckle out of my douchery. Did you see the guy who commented on Velvet Goldmine?

    Chuckle? I think that guy took a dump on his monitor.