Friday, April 13, 2012

What means, doom and gloom?

If you met a famous actor, what would you do? Would you ask him for an autograph? A picture, maybe? For the most part, I think I'd just freeze and try and play it cool. Well, unless it were Jason Statham. See, if I met Turkish, this is what I'd ask him to do. First, I'd want him to look at me sideways. Then, I'd want him to furrow his brow, suggesting he really doesn't want to do what he's about to do next. And then it would happen. He would roundhouse me in the face and I'd fall to the ground like a sack of dirt. He would adjust his tie, pat the dirt off his sleeve and walk away. It would f--king rule.

After watching this, I wished he'd put both those guns to my head.
What doesn't f--king rule however, is the third installment of his most famous franchise, Transporter 3. Sure, it's head and shoulders superior to the shit-tastic second film, but that isn't saying much. The first one was enjoyable, in a ridiculous kind of way. But the second one? It was the cinematic equivalent of a Cleveland Steamer. And on a decent shirt, no less. The third one, while less offensive, still manages to be intermittently terrible. If Statham's kicking ass, we're good. Outside of I need to continue the poop analogy?

I know, what did you expect? I guess I thought they would right some wrongs. If we've got Frank Martin put to celluloid one last time, I figured we should go all out and end on an ass-kicking high note, right? Well, no. Not so much. Sure, Statham shows off that ridiculous physique, kicks some ass here and there, and drives that badass Audi all over Europe - but all for naught.  This flick is undermined by entirely too much dialogue and characters that no one gives a damn about. Frank deserved better. So did we.

Well, let's get this over with. Here are the Yays and Boos, this-is-why-I've-stopped-buying-movies style.

This actually made me want to punch myself in the face.
  • You get a package in the mail. You open it. It's a phone. And then it rings. That's what I want for Christmas.
  • I like it when guys make a circle around Statham and then rush him one at a time. It's great.
  • This is the only good thing I will ever say about her, but the chick in this movie pisses on the floor of a gas station. It actually made me not furious for a second.
  • The editing. There weren't a lot of fight scenes in this movie. When they did occur, the quick cuts really lessened the awesomeness. 
  • There's a chase scene involving a bicycle and a luxury car. It worked in The Goonies. Here, it made me want to punch Sloth in the junk.
  • Breathing tire air. Really? 
  • You're really going to quote Donald Trump in a movie? Okay, the 'writer' sucks. I know you hired an editor, what the hell was that guy doing? Oh, right. Ruining the good parts.
  • And finally, the girl. She might actually be so bad it's some kind of record or something. Seriously, she's f--king terrible. If you're going to be an annoying bitch, you need to at least be super hot. She isn't. Okay, so you're not very attractive, well fine. Win us over by getting naked. Often. She doesn't. At all. Well, at least, I don't know, sound cool or something....Oh, wait. Turns out she has the worst voice ever to occur in the history of time. Damn she sucks hard, and not in the admirable way. Honestly, I want to spin kick her tiny picture.
But hey, other than that, this movie rules! Don't worry. My next flick is THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE.


  1. All I can say is you've hit the nail on the head--that's exactly what I'd want to happen in an encounter with Jason Statham. Other than that, I haven't seen this one. I might head your warning and avoid it, or I might see it for no other good reason than to finish what I started. Still, great review!

    1. I say go for it. shit, half the time I'm more interested in the terrible stuff than anything else.

      If you can survive the second one, you're bound to like this one. But seriously, the chick is 900% awful.

      You've been warned.

  2. Oh that redhead chick in this movie was just horrible. I dont know where they found her, maybe somedoby owed someone money and had to hire her because I see no other reason for her being in this movie.

  3. I completely agree. She is THE WORST.