Saturday, July 28, 2012

Get off...my face.

My car was in the shop for a couple of days, so I had to borrow my wife's Saturn. I hate that car. Not the make or anything, just her car. The seat's always too close, the mirror's all off, and it usually looks like a family of homeless people live exclusively on the floor of the passenger side. But one good thing, is my wife loves NPR. So, Wednesday, in my desperate attempt not to adjust anything, I drove around all day listening to the varying awesomeness of public radio, namely Diane Rehm. Dear Lord, you have to hear this lady. She sounds like she's a thousand, but it's so great. Anyway, I get home, we get to talking about her, and my wife actually says this out loud: Diane Rehm? Oh, she's the bomb. First she marries me - strike one, then sincerely uses the bomb to describe anything other than an actual bomb - strike two, then she really liked Thursday's flick. Strike three?

Um, Scrat's friggin' gigantic on this poster.
I remember seeing an interview with Denis Leary saying something to the effect of they have plans to make like, fourteen of them in reference to the Ice Age flicks. Ice Age: Continental Drift may be proof that we can go ahead and scratch off those other ten. While not horrible by any means, these flicks just seem to exist. I guess the big three of Manny (Romano), Diego (Leary) and Sid (Leguizamo) are charming enough, but the secondary characters are all pretty terrible. By the fourth film, we've got a couple of animated turds, to say the least. And while this one may look the best so far, the series is so visually bland compared to its contemporary counterparts. At least it moves quickly.

Each of the three main characters has a bit of a family crisis going on here. Diego, the saber-toothed tiger, falls for a lady-tiger (can I go liger? No?), and wants her to join the herd. Sid, the weird penis-looking sloth-thing, is saddled with his ultra-annoying grandmother, who was abandoned just like him. And Manny, the giant mammoth, has been separated from his family due to the continental divide that for some reason won't stop happening at 87 million miles per hour. And if you still think that sounds okay, just wait. Each plot is complicated by the worst fad since Hyper Color clothing. What is this awfulness you ask? Pirates.

Wow. Not only did I type all that nonsense, but you actually read it. If we ever meet, I owe you a sandwich. Maybe even a drink, too. But for now, how about I let you hold the Yays and Boos, people-tell-me-I-look-like-Ray-Romano-all-the-damn-time style.

I think I know more about Springfield than any actual place. Sad.
Yaaaaaaay!
  • I forgot that there was a Simpson's short in front of this, titled The Longest Daycare. It was pretty sweet. And funny. I hope my kid never smashes a butterfly.
  • The surround sound is incredible.
  • Okay, I liked the flag, too.
  • When Scrat caves in on himself. I was mildly amused.
  • There's this seal guy, Flynn. Even though I didn't want to laugh, he got me a couple of times. Guess who was behind his goofy voice? Nick Frost. That guy officially owns me. That funny bastard.
  • The siren bit was pretty funny. Probably not necessary to the plot, but we are talking about the fourth Ice Age movie, aren't we?
  • And finally, the blow-hole water cannon. Clever and hilarious, I'll admit it.
 Boooooo!
  • Look, dealing with teenagers is excruciating enough, but animated mammoth teenagers? Hell on earth, friends. Hell. On. Earth.
  • With a special punch to the tits for Nicki Minaj, for creating the worst animated character this side of one rusty tow-truck (he who shall not be named, in the Brown household).
  • Though the worst ever title was settled in a photo finish with Wanda Sykes' Granny character being narrowly edged. Insert every old person cliche ever created (toothless, constantly babbles, even...prunes...ugh) into your fist and punch me in the face til I can't see or hear her. Please.
  • 3D chicanery. I don't know if I'm mad that entirely too many things were tossed at the screen, or that I didn't have 3D glasses so that I could pretend to catch them (tell me you too hate seeing people stick their hands out during 3D flicks).
  • Captain Gutt, the Pirate Ape. Not only did I hate you, but you scared Matty. Not cool.
  • And the capper! The streak continues. It you're not sure whether or not you've just seen a bad kids flick, wait for the credits. Did the animals come on and sing and dance? Yes? Congrats, jerkface. You've officially wasted your time.
Hmm. Kind of like reading this post, huh? And to think, you could've been listening to NPR this whole time.

You know, 'cause it's the bomb. Right, honey?

8 comments:

  1. New look to the blog? So edgy bro. So edgy.

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    1. Hmm. You mention how edgy it is on the Ice Age post?

      I'm sensing...hold on...yep. A decided lack of sincerity.

      Not cool, bro. Not cool.

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  2. " the weird penis-looking sloth-thing," haha :) I'm not planning on seeing that but I adore Scrat, I'd love movies even more if it was just him for an hour being unlucky and cute :)

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  3. Yeah, I say pass. Unless Gustav wants to go.

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    1. He only likes movies with Sharon Stone, whenever I watch something with her he jumps on my lap to see her better :)

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