Thursday, July 5, 2012

I'm too old for this poop.

You should stop reading this and go thank your parents. For what? Anything really. There's probably been hundreds of instances where they really took one for the team to make you happy. Maybe they smiled along, showed you that they were having a good time, but inside they were miserable, taking solace in the minutes you were actually pleased and not making ridiculous demands or statements.

Tuesday morning, I took my son to the Summer Series of movies at our local movie theater. These films are all geared toward the little ones and only cost a buck to go to. I've known about them for years, but this was the first summer I thought the little guy could handle it. On top of that, it was hot as balls outside, so the mall seemed like a good choice. About that...

Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore is just as horrible as you would imagine. Probably even worse. We actually were given a choice of movies, but the other flick was Hugo [review], and I knew that wouldn't hold him. So, I tucked-tail and reluctantly headed into the chaos.

First thing: the place was bonkers. Not only was it crowded, but there was some sort of camp there, comprised of special needs kids and their counselors. I'm am all for these kids getting a sweet day out and think that the movies are a great place to go. But some of these guys simply couldn't be contained. We sat down front and there was this one kid who, in a flash, would bolt out of the theater. Strong dude, too. He would shrug off his two companions and get all the way outside in mere seconds. There was another kid who basically screamed the whole time, as well. You add this to the general chaos and you have quite the lively room. But the point of these Summer Series flicks isn't about the nuances of cinema. This is kids having fun watching talking dogs sniff each others' butts. And hopefully for everybody involved, mission accomplished.

I know that there is an audience for this kind of fluff, but my question is, who aspires to this stuff? There are great family movies out there, why settle for this? Perhaps it's a stepping stone for the director and crew? In that case, good for them. But for the parents in the crowd, bad for us.

Plot details, characters, acting, special effects? Irrelevant. Breaking it down into Yays and Boos? Even more so. Well, here they are anyway.

This thing is like a final boss in Silent Hill.
  • Intentional or not, I have to cheer for this flick showing the most terrifying thing ever. A hairless cat in a homemade bunny suit actually scared the shit out of me. If there is a Hell, these f--kers are probably buy one, get one.
  • I found a new job to aspire to, that of Fake Paw Holder Guy. Every close up of an animal pushing a button or opening a door? Yeah, that guy was clutch.
  • Emergency Lighting in the theater. Thank you, tiny lights on the floor. Not only are you there for my safety, but you interested my son when butt-sniffing dogs could not. I owe you. Big time.
  • Okay, legitimate one for the finale. There are some fairly inspired gadgets here. The little battle on the boat? It might've reached acceptable at times.
  • Oh, and the Dancing Squirrel. You made me laugh even though I really didn't want to. F--ker.
This film had a budget of $85 million. Imagine explaining that investment.
  • Within minutes of this movie starting, not only did a dog bite a guy's butt, but as a result he went cross-eyed. 
  • Chris O'Donnell. Congratulations. Your Robin is no longer the worst character you've ever played.
  • Hairless cat? I usually prefer those. Not this time.
  • There's a room full of cats who are stoned off their asses. I guess that's why we have D.A.R.E. And for those cool black shirts.
  • Nick Nolte phoned in his vocal performance. Literally. I guess it was a decent choice for his one phone call.
  • There's this super-secret rocket thing that they fly through tunnels in. Okay, that's horrible enough. What's worse? The top speed is K9. Worse than that? The lowest speed is K7. K. 7. I imagine the guy who stenciled that on there just shook his head and cried softly. And then offed himself with his tiny paint brush. Godspeed, K7 Guy.
Okay, I'm done. This movie isn't for jerks like me, and probably isn't even for goofballs like my two-year old. In fact, he used my phone's Redbox app to call up the trailer for something called Space Dogs during the flick. That looks equally bad, but the title is so horrible that I'm at least interested in it's awfulness. Despite that, I'm sure I'll rent it for him one day.

And he better thank me for it.

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