Monday, July 2, 2012

We don't have any baby muffins.

I grew up in a town called Waikoloa. There, we had a small grocery store, the cleverly titled Waikoloa Village Market. I had a huge thing for one of the clerks there and remember being very selective about the items I would purchase in her lane. My God, she was beautiful. I recall buying something I thought was cool enough and trying the chitchat thing to horrible effect (probably just enough to be that Nervous Guy). Anyway, I get home, and my mom tells me we need a plunger. NOW. Without questioning, I jump back in the car and haul ass back to the store. Quickly, I realize, this looks bad. Beautiful Cashier Girl, will see how I bought something from her, went home, took a massive dump, and raced back to acquire the tools necessary to extricate the aforementioned deuce. I panicked. But fearing my mother worse than eternal shame, I reluctantly headed back to her lane (the one all the way on the left). To my utter terror/ultimate delight she made the chitchat this time. Something like, Oh, man, that sucks. I laughed along, but did not say a word. This day had gone historically bad.

Years later I was in a very different grocery store and I had to buy just three items: Eggnog, Old Bay and a 6-foot extension cord. Ever since the plunger incident, I began to imagine how the person ringing me up would judge me and my purchases. On this day I thought to myself, no one in the history of the world has ever bought just these three items. No one. There's no connection. No correlation at all. You can't judge me.

Blogger Guy, you're losing me. Fast. This shitty site's about movies, right?

Right. On Saturday, I watched three movies. In their entirety. I was pissed because in the first month of my summer break I only watched eight movies. Unacceptable. So on the last day of the month, I pulled off the rare triple-header. I present you, the 6-foot extension cord of the bunch, Puss in Boots.

Since I've probably wasted most of my goodwill, let me get right to it. Puss in Boots is quite simply okay. Having seen all the Shrek movies, Puss was a character I was all for seeing more of (I avoided the dirty phrasing of that, thank you very much). Antonio Banderas is hysterical with the breathy goofiness he provides for Puss' voice. Add Salma Hayek, and you had me at Salma Hayek.

The plot is simple, though probably completely irrelevant to about 150% of the audience tuning in. Let's just say that things happen, and Puss must go an adventure. There will be some swordfights, some dancing and a surprising amount of sexual innuendo. if you're two (like my son), this will bore you quickly. If you're thirty-two (like my wife was last year), this will bore you, just not as quickly. If you're me, you'll hang in and enjoy it just enough to not hate it. 

One thing I did want to mention, is the idea of nursery rhymes. My wife said something to the effect of Do kids even know these? and I thought it was a fair question. Jack and Jill? Jack and the Beanstalk? Are these references for the adults only? Are children going to refer back to this film when they tell their own kids about these nursery rhyme characters? I know, that's a stupid question. Children of Men takes place in fifteen years from now, so no need to worry.

Enough tomfoolery. Here are the soft and cuddly Yays and Boos, cat-people-are-crazy style.

I refuse to Google the answer, but is he the Nasonex  Bee Guy, too?
  • Dude. Puss gets a lot of, well...tail.
  • Tattoo Guy = Inspired lunacy. I thought it was funny enough when he had the magic beans tattooed on his arm...
  • Scheduled DANCE FIGHTS are even cooler than impromptu ones.
  • Maybe this is a Texas deal or something, but when I was in primary school and someone would get in trouble we would all say Ummmmmm as that person was summoned to the teacher. In this flick, they have the Ohhhhhhhh cat. He rules.
  • Traveling via tumbleweed? Brilliant.
  • The beanstalk is pretty badass. I bet it looked very cool in 3D.
  • When Puss is left for dead, the last crow is pretty awesome.
  • The Great Terror! This ferocious beast is intense. When it destroys the town? It made me want to throw a horse out of excitement.
  • Playing in the clouds is just like I always imagined it when I was a kid in an airplane/still to this day.
  • Humpty Dumpty, as voiced by Zach Galifianakis is kind of lacking. He has his moments (The First Rule of Bean Club...), but isn't very memorable. Or funny.
  • Jack and Jill are scary. I mean, even-for-me scary.
  • I know, I know. But outside of Disney's best, I hate all the ridiculous singing and dancing in these second-tier animated flicks. Save it for the credits.
  • We couldn't get a Donkey cameo? Or at least Gingy...
Bottom Line: This one is short and does it's job. Nothing memorable. But it didn't cost me much either.

Wait. What does this have do with a 6-foot extension cord? I hate this site.


  1. Dude, your non-movie related stories are interesting. But yeah, 8 movies after a months break is disappointing. Still haven't seen Puss In Boots yet, kinda lost interest after seeing Shrek The Third.

  2. Thanks for that bit, I think 'interesting' is putting it kindly.

    I think Shrek The Third was a steaming pile, but the fourth one provided enough laughs to remove the stench of the third one.

    I'd probably rewatch a Pixar classic than go out of my way to see this one.
    Your 100 fact list was very interesting, by the way.

  3. I simply love it when you stray a little and give us a little glimpse into your life - such an entertaining read. I have not seen this one yet, but I love the character of the cat so I'll probably make it a double feature - this and Ratatouille which I was meaning to se for a long time now.

    1. Ha! Thanks for that. I'm glad someone finds them slightly amusing.

      Okay, your double feature is very clever. I think you should double up and write an epic review! Do. It. Do. It.