Saturday, July 7, 2012

I swear to God, guys, I thought this was going to be fun.

My wife made this thing for the house this past fourth of July. It's hand-crafted and pretty patriotic looking. She says it's a wreath, and while I'm not sure we (or anybody) needed one of those, she took the time not only to buy the supplies, she also put the thing together. Give me some credit, as I cleaned up the hay (yes, hay). The point? Well, for me, this little project didn't serve much purpose, but I love everybody involved so I'm going to stand behind it. A little bit. But if you saw it, and hated it, that wouldn't surprise me at all.

In the land of the R-rated comedy, the bar is currently pretty high (or low, depending on your tastes). You sit down to watch a flick called A Good Old Fashioned Orgy and you might be inclined to think that raunch and nudity are going to be front and center. Shockingly, not so much. In fact, I thought that the movie kind of fell apart by the time we got to the titular event. But getting there? It was just amusing enough to keep me hanging in. And the main reason that this one is bearable is the performance of SNL ass-kicker, Jason Sudeikis.

I'll tell you right now, I've loved Sudeikis in every movie I've seen him in. So if you have any problem with him, don't waste your time with this one.

Here, Sudeikis plays Eric, a kind of man-child type thirty-something, who is contributing to society simply by having this incredible house on the beach. Rather abruptly, his dad shows up and puts the house on the market. And what do movie people do when faced with disappointment? They f--king party.

Surprisingly, the actual party isn't the crux of this flick. No, the preparation is the bulk of it. Once they finalize the idea of the orgy actually happening, we're stuck waiting for each individual to finally say f--k it, I'm in. Little reasons are given for or against participation, but none of them will be anything you'll remember five minutes after the credits roll. The movie attempts to be honest with the complexities of friendship, but more often dabbles in typical movie romances and cliches. It's not terrible by any means, at least not for this type of movie, it's just not that good either. 

Might as well break this one down with some Yays and Boos, it-sounds-so-crazy-it-just-might-work style.

  • For personal reasons, I was a big fan of the "Brown Party." Sounded like it had promise.
  • Paraphrasing The Goonies is always a good thing.
  • The girls are all different levels of attractive. The annoying doctor-lady has an incredibly body. I'll leave it at that.
  • My breath is natural. Unlike your vagina.
  • Though I hated Annoying Fat Guy at first, once I realized he was Dale (Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil) I changed my tune.
  • One of the girls explains that guys aren't excited on their wedding today (like they used to be) because they've already slept with the bride. I thought it was a clever and logical point. Ha ha, right, hun? Silence. Wife failed to see the humor.
  • Discussing the orgy soundtrack? Solid conversation, indeed.
  • Kiss-Chicken. That actually cracked me up.
  • The girl-on-girl scene was pretty funny. I think I just saw God.
  • Well, let's get this out of the way: The orgy. Maybe they went for realism, but it's definitely not sexy. It's barely funny. And it's a deadly mix of awkward and bland. Major boo, right there.
  • And I know I've said it before, but one flash of breasts in this type of movie is unacceptable. Especially when we get Old Guy's johnson-action. In life, there exists a balance, my friend. And two boobs do not equal one wiener. Male frontal is at least worth 6-8 breasts. Or 4 breasts and a nice ass. It's pure math, really. Like converting currency.
  • Don Johnson? Not funny. Even as a doucher. This guy is movie poison. Like talking animals.
  • Guess what I hate? Adults with large groups of friends. Guess what I hate even more? That they've all known each other since high school? Didn't any of these successful people go to college and lose touch with everyone? Bastards
  • There's at least one guy and one girl who could've been nixed from this flick altogether. Would it surprise you if they ended up together?
  • And finally, it's just not that funny. It has moments, but plays it very safe, and a bit too sentimental.
My dad is coming into town tomorrow. That should mean significantly less movies with orgy in the title. But we'll see...


  1. Where on earth do you find these movies? :) Excellent review, love the male nudity-female nudity point :)

    1. Whoa, what do you mean? Hasn't everyone seen this?

      Seriously though, I don't know. I should stick to the classy stuff like your site.

      But I did watch Swimming Pool many years ago and that was a little fringe at the time.

    2. Oh yeah, classy stuff. I'm working on Mirror Mirror and Prom Night reviews now, really classy :)

    3. Mirror Mirror at least has Julia Roberts in it.

      But Prom Night? Well...maybe if it's the original. Maybe.