I'm losing confidence in the team.

Maybe it's because I've never been on one, but in my mind, there's something inherently sexy about a business trip. 

Maybe sexy is the wrong word, but the idea of traveling and getting shit done, seems so f--king cool, you know? Walking through the airport with one of those wheelie suitcases, and without a wandering child sounds so f--king rad. Then you get to go over numbers on your own little tray table, all the while pushing your glasses back on your nose like you're solving global hunger. Shit, bitch. I'm working in the sky. Then it's catching f--king shuttles like your goddamn Superman, laying on a queen-size like a King, and follow all that up with the longest, hottest not-home shower you've ever taken in your life. It's...motherf--king magical..

Oh, and the eggs. The eggs. At home? Maybe you eat eggs every other Sunday. But on a business trip? Every single morning. 

With bacon.

As concerned as I am that Vince Vaughn has officially lost every single drop of his once overflowing mojo, I'm still willing to help him look for it. Even after sitting through his latest offering, the impossibly uneven Unfinished Business, I'm still a fan of the big guy. And probably always will be.

While the preview made it seem like yet another wild R-rated comedy! it was more like yet another tame R-rated dramedy. For whatever reason, in addition to the promised business trip antics, we're also served a generous helping of misguided family turmoil. Yes, it provides Vaughn's character's motivation, sure, but it's also really f--king weird. Oh...and not in the ballpark of funny. Or interesting.

For those who don't know/didn't give a shit, Unfinished Business is about a small materials company teetering on the brink of bankruptcy. Funny already, right? They are about to close a big deal, but in order to do so, must fly to Berlin for a few days to shake hands and finalize the contract. The problem? Other than the fact that three people had to attend for a handshake (and despite two of them being essentially useless), is that it appears another much larger company has moved in at the last minute, threatening to ruin everything. If only I knew how this was going to end!

Oh, damn. The weekend box-office numbers were just announced in Terminal C.

Somewhere along the way, it was decided that movies couldn't settle for just being funny. No, some prick, thinking he/she was doing us a favor, made the call that even stupid comedies had to have heart. And while I realize not every movie can be Airplane!, nine times out of ten no gives a shit about anything other than the jokes. I'm all for real characters acting like real people, but when the preview has Tom Wilkinson discussing having sex wheelbarrow-style, can we please leave the overeating teenage son, among other things, out of it? Please? Maybe we can get out of here a little earlier...

That said, it's not as if this entire movie is f--king terrible. No, that probably would have been a lot more fun, as Unfinished Business decides below-average is the cat's meow. Vaughn has to play the straight man, Dan, which is fine, but with Wilkinson basically given nothing to do, the big laughs are left to Dave Franco. The results are a disaster. Franco, who has been solid in his comedic roles to this point, drowns in the abyss of Mike Pancake, the potentially-retarded third member of Vaughn's team. It can get pretty painful.

Also hurting you, physically and otherwise, are the Yays and Boos. They reminded me that we actually did once go on a business trip to Vegas, but it doesn't count. It was my wife's trip. We just hung around the Adult Pool. More on that when you're older.

We're coming to get you, Barbara!

Yaaaaaaaay!

• Okay, product placement be damned, when it's revealed that their office is Dunkin' Donuts...I might have smiled a bit.
• You could see it a mile away (not to mention that it was in the trailer), but the wife and  I both laughed when Vaughn shakes the metal hand of that vet.
• I might be spelling it wrong, but the little gag around the word imerlatent was good stuff.
• You can't be too mad at flick that features both James Marsden and Nick Frost. Unless it's directed by Lars von Trier, naturally. (luckily such a beast doesn't exist)
• It's stupid, but there's a scene at a spa where the person Vaughn's character needs to talk to is very, very naked. And kind of, um, old. Er. Anyway, she will not work with anyone who is afraid to show their true intentions. Obviously, Vaughn drops trou and the deal's done.
• Ah, speakerphone. An obvious gag, sure, but when Dan's wife starts the conversation while circling her...self, it's worth some applause. A smattering, at least.
• I'm not sure why I'm going to throw a Yay toward glory holes, but the exchange that takes place in a room full of dicks was pretty amusing. Though when Franco stumbles and takes one to the face? Anything but.
• And finally, even though I doubt that Tom Wilkinson is super-proud of this one, there was an unmistakable joy on his face during that naked pillow fighting scene. I know he's a fine actor? But that look? That shit was real.

Hey, Tom, remember when you turned down a role in LOTR?

Booooooooo!

• I've already mentioned it, but seriously, what was with the fat son subplot? Dan is a family man with a heart of gold - we get it. Move the f--k along, huh?
• Obvious gags. Mike, don't say your whole name, okay? Okay. CUT TO: Mike, saying his whole name! F--k me right in my eye.
• So, not only was Franco's character a moron, but he was also a kleptomaniac, too. Why? Oh, right...because this movie sucks.
• Even if I laughed, the wrong maid bit was stupid. Wilkinson's a sex-maniac, we get it. Make a joke about his old balls and move on. This? This stripper/maid shit? Next (though...the end redeemed it, a little).
• Dan asks his awful daughter to pack his jogging attire. Okay, that makes no sense, but let's go with it. Suh-PRISE! His daughter is a moron, and packs the mom's jogging clothes. If only that were the end of it. Ol; Dan needs to run, people. Even in...wait for it...LADY-CLOTHES! Hi-yo! Jokes is fun!
• If I don't drink anything, I'll pass out. Well, this is a real brain-buster! Does he fall or what?
• His son, Fat Kid, is annoying and pointless. Easily the gold medal winner for worst character in - Wait! Coming out of nowhere, could it be? Mom! Mom is closing quick. Oh my! Does this lady suck!
• There is a very strange gag about Berlin being out of hotels rooms...except for one. I know you're not going to watch this movie (or um, read this review), but where Dan ends up is so random...I can't wrap my head around it. I'm not even religious, but if I ever get the chance to talk to God, I'm going to ask him about this one. Why, God? Why?
• And finally, the whole idea of losing the magic that we once had. Yes, I'm kinda talking about Vince Vaughn...but let's be serious. It's happening to all of us, isn't it? Well, I'm off to find a bridge to live under, take it easy.

The school year is around the corner, so it's safe to say that I'm least another twelve months away from ever having the chance of taking a business trip. But, if this movie has taught me anything, maybe they aren't so great after all. I mean...other than the drinking, the partying, the dancing and the naked girls having a pillow fight, they seem pretty lame. I feel stupid for even bringing it up. 

Gosh. Now I've got egg on my face.