Friday, July 17, 2015

You go. And you don't look back.

So, let me get this straight: if I go back, I can change the future. Which is actually the present. But if I go back, haven't I already gone back? Because how else could I get to the point where I could go back? And then do I have to keep going back every time I get to the point where I went back?

And if you go back, are you gone, like, mid-sentence, and we just carry on without you? Or are we just all frozen in place, hoping we don't disappear in any Polaroids you're carrying with you?

Okay, so maybe questioning time travel is simply a bad idea, but I'm starting to think that having it be the focal point of a movie is, too. At least when you get to the third or fourth version of the same event.

It's not that I didn't like Terminator Genisys, I did, but it's readily apparent that the whole timeline is beyond f--ked. I could time travel back to my twenties, re-enroll in college, major in advanced robotics, host a radio show that only plays You Could Be Mine, pull off a sweet internship at Cyberdyne, marry Kate Brewster, and I'd still officially have no f--king clue what's going on. 

I know these movies (fairly well, anyway), and still, as I really thought about what was unfolding onscreen, I felt like a giant hydraulic press was crushing my exoskeleton beyond repair. Good thing my dick arm was hanging out and everything can proceed accordingly.

Anyway, as we get to Genisys, it's kind of a good news/bad news situation. Sarah Connor (the entirely too young-looking Emilia Clarke) is on the verge of going through the entire first movie again, but yet another T-800 is already there and saves the day...from the original T-800. F--k, really? Yes. It seems that one was sent back to her childhood, in order to protect her as a young girl. While I guess that makes sense, why not just go back and kill her mom? Or her grandmother? Please make it stop.

The good news is that Arnold's back, again-ish, but he's older and even more laid back than when he was telling dickwads to chill out. It's pretty f--king rad. In fact, each scene featuring the grizzled old Governator is better than the previous. But the bad news? Well, someone has hired writers to undo everything we know, and actors who I could barely get behind for one movie, let alone the potential idea of more. this is pretty f--king cool.
Sounds like the work of a sophisticated corporation, desperately trying to prevent their own demise by any means necessary, doesn't it? They'll keep changing the past, in order to exist in the future. Hmm. Paramount, Skynet. Skynet...Paramount? Finkel is Einhorn!

Honestly, at this point, if you're still even remotely considering actually watching T5, you, like me, simply can't give a f--k about any of this timeline tomfoolery. It doesn't matter. Hell, even if was just Arnold (as the T-800) in a wax museum scaring people for two hours, it would be enjoyable on some level. Every time I have written about a Schwarzenegger movie on this blog, I've gushed about him (exhibit A, B and C), and clearly that ain't stopping any time soon. I say C'mon. Do it. Doooo it.

What you probably shouldn't do, are the Yays and Boos. They can get pretty clingy and obsessive. Which is not at all how I feel about Schwarzenegger movies. Not. At. All.

Judgement Day. Not early. Not late.
That shit better come at the exact time he wants it to.
  • So Judgement Day just keeps getting better. Yeah, eviscerating a playground was pretty cool, but here? We get the Golden Gate Bridge.
  • F--k phone booths, VW Beetles, hot tubs, or any other way to time travel. Nothing beats nude crouching.
  • So, I mentioned we get T-800s, right? As in, more than one. Fantastic. Oh, and even better, that should read dueling T-800s.
  • The T-1000 is back. And this time, it was made by Samsung (so if it's like my phone, it'll totally kick first).
  • Okay, so Nervous Cop guy was pretty awesome in 1984. But when he grows up to be J.K. Simmons? He's even better.
  • Outside of The Raid flicks, I always feel like we never get enough action. But in Genisys, what we do get, is pretty good. That cop car explosion was all kinds of good. Almost rivaled all the bus hijinks. Damn.
  • So...uh, nice bra Ms. Connor. I thought it was super tasteful. Oh, and my pants send a special hello to your silhouette, too. We're big fans. Well, average size fans, anyway. Not that that counts.
  • Time travel makes my head hurt. Ah, I love it when characters in movies actually speak the title in conversation. 
  • The T-800, is very much interested in the creation of John Connor. Repeatedly, he asks Sarah, Did you mate?
  • I hope you were lucky enough as a kid to play the T2 pinball machine. It's basically the best thing ever made by human beings. Anyway, when your ball was saved, Arnold's voice would boom GET. OUT. And if you were good, or bad, you could hear this five times in ten seconds. Oh...and he says it here, too.
  • Mugshots. F--king mugshots.
  • And finally, cash grab or desperate 're-imagining', I will always have two hours for anything Terminator related. Whether it's my awkward man-crush on Arnold, or the fact that these movies remind me of my brothers, the Terminator movies damn near feel like family. Because with the right expectations, neither one will ever really let you down.
Jai Courtney always seems like he'd rather be somewhere else.
  • I know I already said it, but the three leads...are pretty f--king unlikable. No matter the line, I think each actor was only given three choices: blame, shout or snarl. 
  • Man I hate new John Connor. I'm sure Jason Clarke is a good dude, but I really haven't liked him in anything I've seen.
  • And what the f--k happened to Kyle Reece? He was a pimp in the original. Here? He's totally a bitch.
  • Good thing we're in this room! a) where there is a ceiling full of appropriate chemicals b) where there is a fully operational MRI machine that will just so happen to stop Magneto Gremlin made out of electricity Neo from the Matrix new John Connor.
  • Yo, the guy that kind of changes everything? This dude sucks. He looks like a creepier Gabe from the Office. Fine. I guess that he looks sinister enough, but I was let down. They should have got Furlong to do it. It's not like it would have made less sense.
  • That mid-credits scene wasn't as cool as I needed it to be.
  • And finally, I get it, but what the f--k is with a PG-13 rating? Kids don't even go to the f--king movies anymore, so f--k them. They're going to illegally download this movie and probably tune out three minutes in. But me? Old guy who has been seeing this shit for three decades? That motherf--ker wants some bloodshed. Even if it's just guys getting shot in the knee, dammit. 

This post was entirely too long. Hopefully when they invent time travel, you go back to the moment you started reading it and tap yourself on the shoulder or something. Oh, wait. You're not supposed to make contact with yourself, are you?

F--k it. It's probably worth the risk.

Now, let me help you out of those clothes.


  1. Nice review. Yet to see this but despite all the mixed reactions I'm still looking forward to it.

    1. Maybe your expectations will be right where they need to be. Arnold's solid...but everything else? Well...fingers crossed you'll dig it.

  2. can show boobs and fly on dragons, but Sarah Connor you ain't.

    1. Man...I really need to watch Thrones. Boobs and dragons? Sounds like someone wrote a TV series based on my 7th grade journal.

      Eh, she's not an ideal Sarah Connor, but other than Arnold (and JK), she's gives the best performance in the movie. Sad but true.