Wednesday, July 15, 2015

I like Predator a great deal.

I would assume if you're reading this, you have a boss. Not because you're not worthy of being in charge, no, but let's be honest, to stick around here? You have to be patient. You have to be thoughtful. You have to be okay with listening to someone drone on about God knows what. But what you really, really have to do to last at Two Dollar Cinema? 

You have to, like, read.
Words. 
Written by a person.

The f--k a boss know about reading? Bosses ain't got time for that shit.


Horrible Bosses 2 is exactly like the first film. In fact, so little has changed [embarrassing review here], it's hard to believe there was three year gap between the two. It's not that that's a bad thing, not at all, but if someone told me that the sequel was cobbled out of extra footage from the first, I wouldn't doubt it for a second. These dudes simply don't age. It's kind of weird...but I like it.

Another thing I take perverse joy in, is how much my wife loves Jason Bateman. I may have mentioned it before, but Mrs. Two Dollar Cinema, in the decade and a half! we've been together, has probably pointed out an attractive gentleman, maybe...four times total. But when Mr. Bateman's handsome face flashes across the screen, she never fails to mention it. Aww...so adorable, right?

Anyway, this time around, instead of a villainous trio of horrible bosses, Nick, Kurt and Dale are only dealing with one, played by that smiling devil, Christoph Waltz. Waltz' character is a real prick, and not only reneges on a major deal that would have made our boys immediately wealthy, but essentially plans to destroy them, too. Why? Just because he can. 

Does any of this really matter? No. Does Jennifer Aniston reprise her role as a dick-hungry dentist? Yes. So...we're good, right? 


Of course we are. And what's also good, very good, is the trio of Bateman, Charlie Day and Jason Sudeikis. These three have such an easy rapport it's hard not to smile as they do their patented thing. I've always thought Day was the standout, as his punching-bag Dale has just the right level of confidence and stupidity, but the other two have carved out enjoyable characters as well. Here, we also get an unhinged Chris Pine (though not like in Stretch [review]), which is certainly a plus, and adding him to the mix does just enough to keep things fresh.

That's quite the man-sandwich, if I do say so myself. 
The direct opposite of fresh, are the Yays and Boos. These two have been hinting about their own horrible boss, but when I pressed them for more details they got quiet. Poor bastards. He does sound like a huge dick, though.

Yaaaaaaaaaay!

  • Key! Or is that Peele? Dammit. I'm not sure, but he kicks ass in his few minutes on screen.
  • That Shower Daddy Buddy demonstration was pretty funny. Loved the inadvertently XXX stuff, naturally.
  • Touching the elbow on the handshake. Dale's version is the best.
  • Pop quiz, hotshot: Any Speed reference is a great reference. Well, except for that one.
  • Jack Lebowitz. Do you have his contact information?
  • The southern accents are hysterical, but let me put my hands together for Day's Mexican Gangbanger. It's pretty racist.
  • Pine is pretty funny as the completely untrustworthy Rex. He's fight-clubbing himself!
  • The brainstorming sequence was funny, but their resulting fantasy was even better. Well, if f--king Dale could keep all of his damn kids out of it.
  • I've gone on far too long to not mention Jamie Foxx's return as Motherf--ker Jones. He only gets a few minutes, but he makes them all count. His negotiating tactics being the standout.
  • And finally, the gag reel. Everyone involved in this movie is a legitimate actor, but you simply can't fake genuine laughter. Especially when you're trying not to laugh. It's basically the best sound in the world.
Dr. King and Captain Kirk is almost the the best golf pairing ever.
But I'll take Barker and Gilmore anyday.
Booooooo!
  • Phatballz@hotmail.com This is only a Boo because it's not my e-mail address. Well, not yet anyway.
  • Nick, Kurt, Dale. Don't say it quickly. Actually you should say it, you know, before you put it on the building.
  • Man, Aniston...you's actually too hardcore for me, even if just a little. I'm pretty sure neither Joey nor Chandler could handle you saying So you did eat that cock?
  • It's actually a Yay, but dropping your credit card through the door you're trying to break open is just about the worst thing possible.
  • Putting someone's toothbrush in your ass. I actually have a story about this...but I'm going to save it for later. But...yikes.
  • Man, that was some fine cat furniture they lost. Poor Motherf--ker.
  • And finally, if Jennifer Aniston is going to play a nasty slut, can we get just a little more, um visually? Now, I don't want to see her riding a coma-boner or anything, but how about some sideboob or something? Please?
I don't know if the final box-office take warrants it, but I'm going to go ahead and politely request that they put pen to paper and make this a trilogy. I don't even really have an idea how to do it myself, so it's not like I could give them clear directions or anything. 

It's not like I'm telling them to do it. I'm just making a vague suggestion, before I never really mention it again. I fully expecting that it will get done, to my liking, in a timely manner.

Nothing horrible about that.

14 comments:

  1. Great review! I DVR'd this when it was on TV the other day, but I haven't watched it yet. I kind of forgot about it, honestly. I wonder if Christoph Waltz will ever stop playing bad guys?

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    1. Yeah, my wife and I should have DVR'd it, but we instead actually paid $2.50 to watch it on VOD, only to find out that it was debuting on HBO a few days later. What the f--k HBO? I thought you were a boxing channel.

      Wait...wasn't Waltz a good guy in Big Eyes? Oh, no. He was a prick there, too.

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  2. The only thing I liked about the first one was Spacey...Aniston always looked kinda vulgar to me so when you add stuff her character says and does....yikes. I rewatched Wunderlust this week and it was like poor Rudd was married to hangovered crack addict

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    1. Aniston looking vulgar? Sign me up. (though Wanderlust JA is a bit scary)

      Spacey is in this one too, but only for about two minutes. Two glorious minutes.

      I loved Colin Farrell in the first one. He was such a douche.

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  3. Great Review! A dick hungry dentist is an apt description of Jennifer Aniston's character and I totally agree that we should have gotten more from her nasty slut but I mostly laughed during this movie and found it enjoyable even if it was a rehash of the first one

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    1. Thanks!

      Man...it was totally deja vu watching this one back-to-back with Ted 2. Neither deviated far from the first...but that was okay, you know? As long as the laughs are steady...no problem here.

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    2. I can imagine how you feel and I agree laughs are the only thing that matter in comedies.

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    3. Yep. And the next two movies I saw were Terminator Genisys and The Minions.

      So....we're going to need some original ideas, asap.

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  4. I think your review summed up the movie better than the movie did, wait did that make sense?
    I really liked the first one, this was pretty much the same jokes with a slightly different premise, but it was still totally worth what I paid to see it...nothing (thank you, Redbox!)

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    1. I'm not sure it made any sense, but I'll take it. Thanks, Mike.

      Redbox makes just about everything 'worth' it, doesn't it?

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  5. I liked the first one, didn't laugh as much this time around. Spacey's short time on screen was the clear highlight for me. For a while, I was all into Aniston's act, but she crossed the line and scared the hell out of me when she told Bateman where he could do #1 or #2. Um...no thanks. Yeeesh. I know Chandler couldn't handle that.

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    1. I don't think I laughed as much either, but I definitely laughed enough.

      But I hear you. Spacey seemed like he was having fun, and his anger toward them was certainly a highlight.

      My goodness. I really, really hope that's not a thing. Like, all kidding aside. You want to be choked, slapped around, yeesh, but whatever. But having someone deuce all over you? C'mon. I don't want to judge...but no. Just.....no. Ross would never.

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  6. So...if I send an email to PhatBallz@hotmail.com...will you get it?

    ReplyDelete