Monday, July 13, 2015

So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble?

I had a monkey.

It was actually more like a gorilla, and it had long white fair (fur?) with tan hands and feet. I don't actually remember the damn thing, but I've looked back at enough pictures to be able to say with confidence that ol 'Gorilly' [not his name] was rather odd looking (that's code for f--king terrifying). But, according to family legend, I loved it and dragged it around wherever I went. But if I still had it with me today?

It would be fraying at the edges, utterly filthy, and probably not worth keeping around..

Shocking no one, Ted 2 is exactly what you'd expect from a summer sequel: a bigger, badder version of the first. For me, someone who enjoyed the original Ted [review], I didn't mind spending another two hours with Mark Wahlberg and a talking teddy bear. Well, at least not the first hour and a half anyway...

Glancing back at my previous post, I pretty much covered it all there. Ted 2, like the original, gets by on the rapid fire wit of MacFarlane, not to mention his extreme willingness to routinely say the worst thing imaginable. Even if only half the jokes land, I bet there was still fifty times I laughed out loud. Lowest common denominator or not, that's oddly commendable.

The setup for the sequel is suprisingly decent (this is a talking teddy bear movie, for f--k's sake), as Ted and John hit the road to prove that Ted isn't property. Along for the ride is a young attorney, Samantha Jackson, played by the lovely Amanda Seyfried, who in my eyes easily (is sexily a word?) fills in for the absent Mila Kunis.

The actual details of the plot don't matter, as it's all an excuse for Ted and John to do their thing. But like I said the first time, Wahlberg (and to a lesser degree, MacFarlane) deserves a ton of credit, as all the raunchiness is grounded in a believable friendship. As much as they bust each other's balls, these two assholes care about each other. So, f--k it, I might as well care about them, too, you know?

Speaking of imaginary friends that likely only I give a damn about, here are the Yays and Boos for Ted 2. We've been seeing a slew of films theatrically, as Tuesdays around these parts are only 5 bucks. This Tuesday's (potential) film also features jacked A-listers spending time with animals. Assuming trouser snakes count, right?

That f--king F. Scott Fitzgerald bit still killed me.
Even if I'd already seen it in the previews. Ten times. 
  • I probably shouldn't mention that the scene where Ted and John happily watch bears f--k totally reminds me of college.
  • It was super awkward, but Liam Neeson's cameo just wouldn't stop. 
  • Tami-Lynn, played by Jessica Barth, sounds exactly like every one of my female cousins. Wait, this is a Yay?
  • Law and Order theme music. Again, it's relentlessly long and overdone, but it still cracked me up.
  • John's pornography addiction is remarkably well cataloged. I honestly never would have thought to classify anything by the direction of the rimjob.
  • The greatest living American, Tom Brady. Sure, he looks painfully uncomfortable for four of the five minutes he's on camera, but I loved it regardless. He deserves the best.
  • Cut the shit. I think this is the first phrase that has ever received the coveted second Yay.
  • Ted gets to drive during the road trip and his choice of music is pretty sweet.
  • #myamazingsummer
  • Gollum eyes. I think I spit out my soda on that one.
  • So, we actually get to see Patrick Warburton don The Tick costume again. Yeah, it's a bit crotchal, but I'll still support it.
  • Oh, and speaking of nerdy shit, we're treated to a pretty epic Nerd Battle at Comic-Con. Oh, and bonus points for the old-school Turtles costumes (unrelated, but f--k those creepy ass new Turtles).
  • Maybe only someone who has been to Fenway a hundred times will appreciate this, but the way to spot Ted amongst a slew of look-alike bears was pretty f--king awesome. Buh-buh-buhhh!
  • And finally, Mark Wahlberg, again, for basically putting on screen an amalgamation of my two older brothers and 90% of the guys I went to college with. John is a f--king goofball, but he'd do anything for you. Even if he'd probably f--k it up a couple of times first.
This scene was so f--king disgusting.
  • Okay, MacFarlane...I hate to say it, but what the f--k is with your love of old Hollywood opening numbers? That was three minutes I'll never get back.
  • The black cock jokes probably made up about 5% of all dialogue in this movie. I know running dumb shit into the ground is a hallmark around these parts, but they really couldn't let that one go, huh?
  • What's the opposite of funny and worthwhile? I know this one: Jay Leno's cameo.
  • For a minute, I thought I was going to be the only person in the theater. Eventually, a few college kids came in and sat in the back. Right before the movie started, an African-American couple came in and sat two rows behind me. The Yay, is the fact that the guy laughed his ass off. The Boo? The insane amount of black jokes that MacFarlane is cool with making. The other Yay/Boo? The lady was not pleased with any of this. No. No they didn't. Oh, Hell no. It was super-awkward/totally awesome. (but that Kardashian joke? Damn)
  • I'm not a stoner or anything, but all the weed jokes fell kind of flat with me. Though...that dick-shpaed bong was pretty funny. At first.
  • That sad stuff at the Improv? Yikes.
  • I used to like Cookie Crisps. Well, at least the idea of them, anyway. But after that? I'm good.
  • I loves me some Dirk Diggler, but what the f--k is up with Marky Mark's hair? It's the worst.
  • And finally, why the Hell is Ted 2 just a notch under two hours long? What the shit is this? There was a point when they went back into the courtroom where I thought I'd rather be on trial myself then sit through another minute of this f--king movie. It's a talking teddy bear. We should be walking out at 88. F--k 115.
Goodness. It's almost one in the morning and I have to be productive tomorrow. Okay, not really, as I've still got five weeks left of summer vacation (and summer movies) before school starts back up again. That said, it'd be nice to be able to fall asleep right away. 

If only there was something small and furry I could hold on to.

Oh, cut the shit.
You know what I meant.


  1. The way you ended this review has got to be the funniest thing I have ever read in a long time.

    I was concerned that this movie was going to be some piece of crap, money grab - you know like any other sequel of this genre. I was pleasantly surprised, I didn't really laugh at it as much as I did the first, I found quite a few repetitive jokes but overall it was still pretty enjoyable.

    Oh, and the couple behind you in the theater, I feel for your pain there...I HATE going to see movie, only to have someone sitting near me talking throughout the movie "What just happened?" or "Oh shit, did that just happen?" gets ridiculously annoying really quick. That shit is probably just as bad as going to see a horror movie in a packed theater and everyone screaming at a jump scare. Like, shut up and enjoy the movie already!

    1. Well, thanks Mike. That stupid bit took me a minute. Glad you liked it.

      I'm pretty much with you, in full. I wasn't even all that excited for it, but for 5 bucks, I didn't really give a shit. It might not have been as good as the first, but I laughed. A lot. And I can't find any reason to be upset about that.

      Generally, I hate pretty much anyone I can see or hear in the theater, but the couple in question actually added a lot to the movie. The dude had a great laugh, and you could tell his lady was pissed, but smiling through her displeasure. It was a good time, if not just a little bit awkward, you know? Some of those jokes were sooooo offensive.

  2. Yup...sounds about like how I expected it to. And yes, that's a great close to this post.

    1. Yeah, it's just about exactly how you'd expect it to be. Which, for my money, ain't such a bad thing.

      Still not nearly as funny as your ENTIRE Get Hard post. That still makes me laugh just thinking about it.

  3. Love how incisive your review is and love your writing in general. Glad I found your blog.

  4. I remember I almost cried when the bear got torn in half in the first movie. That was traumatizing for me to see, I hope nothing like that happens here, but all I hear is Walhberg in a pool of sperm, so that's less traumatizing

    1. Nothing, well outside of a Wahlberger with extra semen, is all that traumatic this time. Maybe Tom Brady's acting?

      That sperm scene still haunts me. My goodness.