Thank you, David.

Outside of my family, we've never really had any overnight guests at our house. And if they're any indication, Thanks, I'm good. But I could dream, right? (cue the Wayne's World doodley doo, doodley doo transition)

Say, one of my wife's old college friends showed up at the door, needing a place to stay for a few days, after...um, I don't know, a messy divorce. Or after her car broke down, on the way to NFL Cheerleader Camp, assuming that's a thing. Either way, it's raining, she's soaked, and despite her insistence she doesn't want to impose, she comes inside and I make her some tea. Herbal tea (this would be the first time I've made anyone tea, by the way). My wife's happy to see her old friend, but she's tired - and she has to work in the morning. Good night, Sally. No, Suzie. F--k, I don't know, what's a wholesome/totally slutty name? We stay up...and uh, chat.

Anyway...things happen, she ends up having to stay a few extra days. You know, that part from her car? Backordered. Darn it. So what happens when this visitor stays longer than expected? Well, in reality, you grow tired of them and the endless f--king mess they leave in the bathroom. But in a well-scripted fantasy?

F--king everything.

Obviously, after that intro, it's safe to say there's something wrong with me, but what's really concerning is how much I loved 2014's The Guest. Recommended to me as a further look at It Follows [review] lovely star Maika Monroe, this flick is completely f--king ridiculous. And, clearly I mean that as a compliment, as not a single minute is wasted in this film. It's pretty much insanity, start to finish.

Especially the finish.

I feel like we've been down this road before, you know? Honorable (and handsome) stranger changes the lives of a normal family, only to be revealed as well, not so honorable. But in director Adam Wingard's The Guest, things unravel with such a stylistic intensity, this road trip has that new car smell. And with Dan Stevens doing the driving? Well, f--k me. I'll go just about anywhere. We can even go the long way.

Anyway, I went in to this one blind (though I do recall a certain steamy pic from a certain blog where they feature that kind of thing on the regular) and left missing all my other senses, too. What starts out as delicious mystery, boils over to an 80's bloodbath, and as jarring as it was, I f--king devoured it. I was so amped as the credits rolled, I immediately wanted to do some push-ups and punch a high school quarterback in the dick. But instead, I let the dog out and went to bed.

Or did I? Since you don't really know me...you might not want to trust anything I say. Well, wait. I'm not super-handsome. So...yeah. Honesty's kinda my thing.


While I'm purposefully not giving you any plot-related information up here (also, I'm a bad writer), I'll tell you now. I'm going to spoil the shit out of the film in the Yays and Boos. If you haven't seen it, bail immediately. It's streaming on Netflix. Go! 

But if you have, let's have a talk, shall we? And a drink, right - that sounds nice, as well. We might as well exchange mix-tapes, too. Because I really want to tell you...he loved you. Very much.

If I was a back-alley gun dealer, I'm pretty sure I'd go ahead and not sell f--king bullets, too. 

I was going to mention that I'd never seen Dan Stevens in anything, but it turns out I have. Yay, right? It was The Cobbler [review], so no...not at all. Total Boo. Speaking of...

I wish my local diner rocked this look.
I wish my local diner rocked this look.
I wish my local diner rocked this look.
*closing eyes, crossing fingers*

Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!

• Title card goodness. No shit, this movie takes ten seconds to let you know how f--king rad it is.
• Mom's grieving, like at the actual moment David shows up. Who needs time, let's get this party started asap.
• David, um, how did you get here? I ran. (and his hair still looks amazing)
• Maika Monroe is a little dirtier than she was in It Follows. Remember, this is the Yays.
• There's this moment, and you know it's coming, but it doesn't make it any less awesome. David goes to Luke's school and casually says, I want you to show me who hit you yesterday. And what follows is something they should play on the Jumbotron when the home team is trailing in the bottom of the ninth. Trust me, the crowd would lose their shit. (the drinks, the fighting, the MUSIC!!! sooo great)
• If you can watch this movie and leave not worshiping at the altar of Dan Stevens, good for you....ass. But me? I was consumed by this guy's I could kill you with my dick swagger. The entire Halloween Party scene being a perfect example of this: Where do you want these kegs? 
• Now, Stevens is the man, no doubt, but as a heterosexual fella, let me say that Tabatha Shaun, playing Kristen, is where it's at. Not only does she wear knee highs to work, zoinks, but she also does it with her cat ears...on. Saucer of milk, table for two.
• Okay, so there's this sequence where it appears that the daughter, Anna (Monroe), has kind of fallen for the mysterious David. She goes into her room, does that girl thing where she rests her back against the door and sighs dreamily (which I hate so much, I f--king love it), right? Right. She gets into bed, and shuts off the light. We slowly track to the right, and go through the wall to David's room, where he's writing Anna's name a hundred times with little hearts around it. Oh wait, not quite. He's actually staring out the window like a f--king lunatic. I think I squeaked during this scene, I was so excited.
• David gives the brother Luke some advice about bullies. It starts out typical, you know, don't let anybody scare you or take advantage of you. Okay, I'm on board with this. But David goes one small step further. Take a knife to school and stab them. Uh...okay. Maybe. And if that doesn't stop them, burn their houses down with their family inside of it. 
• Hey, thanks for the CD!
• Eventually, this movie takes just about the biggest 180 I've ever seen. But the best part? It starts with David holding a laundry basket. No, no. Trust me...this is awesome.
• And finally, the last twenty minutes. We had an hour where it was kind of like, okay...maaaaaybe this could happen. But then? Do you remember that scene in Predator where the guys basically shoot down the entire rain-forest trying to kill the time-traveling creature from outer space? Well...it's a lot like that. Except not as realistic. 

Probably the best setting for a shoot-out, ever, right?

Boooooooooo!

• I probably should have called first. Ya, you think?
• What high school kids would f--k with a kid whose brother just died in the war? Though, to be honest, I'm kinda glad they did.
• But that one bully kid was a real piece of shit, you know? Like, I hope the actor gets hit by a car. For real.
• Stoner Guy. Trying to get some on the swings? Denied. I feel you, bro. I remember those last minute desperate attempts at the end of hanging out. Sigh.
• Dad, I mean, Spencer, you lovable loser. Poor guy needs a drink. And a friend.
• Anna makes David a pretty sweet mix-tape. This is only a Boo, because you youngsters will never get the chance to do this earnestly. You'll be all ironical.
• There's a point where no one puts anything together, and it's kind of laughably absurd. I mean, this strikes me as a pretty f--king small town, you know? Dad, you think your day was bad? So your boss and his wife were murdered? My friend was killed, too. And my boyfriend did it! F--k you, Dad!
• David sits in on a meeting with the principal. Ridiculous! I know, he blows up a restaurant and walks the f--k away, but this I don't believe.
• What the Hell was with Haunted Maze Guy? This guy gives directions like an asshole. Left. Then right. Left. Right again. Another right. Then it's on your left. F--k you. In all directions.
• And finally, um, the ending. Not how badass it is, f--k that! I mean the collateral damage along the way. Sure, David was programmed to clean up all loose ends (that is spoken dialogue...yikes), but damn, dude? Mom, fine. Dad? Makes sense. But Cat-Ears? Noooooooo!

This was my first flick back from a mini-vacation to the beach. It was a nice time, but the three hour drive, each way, was a bit rough at times, you know? Luckily we made it there, and back, without anything happening to the car. Man, it would have sucked to broke down in the middle of nowhere. Probably would have had to knock on someone's door and...ask to come in for a minute. And then, they would have let me...and...oh shit. You know what could have happened?

F--king anything.