Monday, April 10, 2017

Bonnie needs his Clyde.

Even though I have dreamed of a better life for me and my family, I have never done what (bad) movies tell me to do: hastily rob a bank, likely with the dumbest people I know. But I have thought of how I would do it...

When I was a kid, someone (allegedly) robbed the First Hawaiian Bank branch in my hometown. Rumor has it that some dude strolled in - never said a word - and placed a note on the counter informing the teller that he had a gun. She complied, and he ran the Hell out of in hand.

I don't know what came of that f--ker (the next closest town is twenty miles away [with absoluteldy nothing in between]), but I seriously commend this dude's non-violent efforts.  Me? I'd follow a similar tactic.

I'd just do it on Super Bowl Sunday. In the city of the underdog. At kickoff.

Wait. A movie starring almost exclusively SNL alums isn't great?
Since when?
Masterminds isn't about a bank robbery, but instead an inside job at an armored-truck company. Set in the super-rad year of 1997, this (alleged) comedy follows all the familiar beats of most amateur heist films, but cranks the incompetency to eleven. Though the cast is loaded with bankable talent, you might not want to peer into this cash bag. I hear that ink is a bitch to get off.

David Ghantt (Zach Galifiankis, tucking in his t-shirts) is a nice-enough guy living a quietly miserable life in Podunk, North Carolina. He and his bearded-lady face are getting married to Jandice (Kate McKinnon, in full sketch-mode), which like the rest of life, seems void of any real excitement. Even his job is boring, as David's lot in life has him peaking as a super-employee at Loomis Fargo of all places (aka that armored truck company you see everywhere).

Even though she gets fired after only four months on the job, David's (former) co-worker Kelly Campbell apparently made quite the impression. When she eventually hooks up with some slime-ball named Steve, er, Geppetto (Owen Wilson), they devise a plan to rob an armored truck, with love-struck David as their in. It's actually a pretty no muss, no fuss plan, or it would be, you know, if everyone weren't a f--king moron.

While I have no problem calling a character in a movie an idiot, I'm not exactly thrilled labeling a real person. See, perhaps astonishingly, this silly little flick is based on a true story. Like, a legendary true story. Sure, I'm assuming the film contains less than one-percent juice, but this tasty little nugget (however small), changed my perception of the film entirely. A steadily amusing comedy (with a couple of big laughs, I suppose) turned oddly compelling, you know? This guy...did that?

Well, I'll be...*low-whistle*

Also only surprising to simple southerners, is an appearance by the Yays and Boos. They're actually small-time thieves, too, assuming time and the human spirit can be stolen.

So, this part of the 'true story'?
It's, uh, actually true.

  • There's a solid little montage of how David thought the life of an armored truck driver was going to be.
  • The thought of adding ranch dressin' to his whole-milk bath cracked me up for a second or two.
  • Unleashing McKinnon to create a flurry of sexy engagement photos is already gold. But when you set it to Enya? It's even better.
  • Apparently, back in the days of pagers, 143 was code for I love you, And f--k you, that's cooler than any emoji ever.
  • I'm not sure if it was a stunt gone awry that they looked at and said f--k it (through tears, I imagine), but in the one real chase scene we get, this dude gets absolutely devastated trying to jump on a moving boat. He falls so woefully (and brutally) short, I almost shit my pants from laughing so hard.
  • I think describing any man as looking like Ric Flair's little boy is nothing short of brilliance. Whoooo!
  • Oh, 1997...I miss you so much. Especially all the ways we thought we were cool. Seeing David rollerblading (which I never did damn you size 14 shoes) while wearing a CD visor on his arm, well, it brought me back. I wonder if I still have my Discman (and my CD copy of Dr. Feelgood)...
  • Even if it felt like something out of Smokey and the Bandit (uh, I guess), the swinging around on the ladder bit was amusing, low-stakes as it was.
  • At one point, David's life has fallen apart so much, he's forced to smash open and eat watermelons on the sidewalk.
  • Don't care how stupid this movie is, a slow-motion beach high-five is always a Yay. Especially when it's sincere as f--k.
  • I think I'm going to start referring to my wife as sugarbush, until she tells me not to/punches me square in the nuts.
  • And finally, even though I've totally ruined the surprise for you (if it was a surprise [uh, and no one gave a shit]), I was borderline ecstatic when they rolled that old Tom Brokaw/NBC Nightly News footage detailing the real-life events. See, you now know that this f--ker was based on a true story, but in that moment? As someone who is possibly a moron? I felt like I'd just seen The Sixth Sense for the first time. Though, that would come out two years later, in the even greater year of 1999.

I like Sudeikis, but his role could have been ditched altogether.

  • For stupid reasons, I had to restart this movie four times. And each time? Forced trailers. A f--king shit ton of them, too. It made we want to kill Mike and Dave. And their wedding dates.
  • Five minutes in, David shoots himself in the ass. Yes, friends. It's that kind of movie.
  • Wait a tick. Geppetto isn't the puppeteer? It's some f--ker named Stromboli? What the Hell is this?
  • For the rest of my time on this planet, the thought of David eating that tarantula will haunt me. *shudder* So many juices....
  • Uh, that's a lot of powder on yo' balls, man. Like, too too much.
  • I thought the fact that they loaded up his ass with twenty grand was going to be one of the fake parts. It wasn't.
  • Oh, c'mon. Who shits in the pool?
  • Steve's bonus three million is one of the biggest dick moves ever. However, I kind of like it. The move, dammit. Not the big dicks.
  • They have the same name? And this matters? What the f--k is this, a super hero showdown? [review]
  • Hey! It's Ken Marino! And he's in this movie...for nine seconds. F--k. I wanted to dip my balls in that guy...
  • And finally, outside of the fact that this movie isn't all that funny (though I was ultimately amused), it still won me over with the true story angle. And yes, some of this shit is totally factual (this was at the time the second biggest heist in US history!!), but, after some digging around (in my ass/on the interweb), it turns out that a lot of the unbelievable shit...was unbelievable for a reason. It was made be funny. And it wasn't.
I don't think I'd ever make a successful bank robber. Mainly because I'm afraid of bullets, and prison sex, but also because I really like football. Honestly, I think my plan could totally work, robbing a bank on Super Bowl Sunday, but I'm a Patriots fan, you know? Tom Brady is the f--king man, so there's no way I'd want to miss the big game if the Pats were in it, even if I really needed the money.

I guess I could just wait until the Patriots aren't in the damn Super Bowl...

...but who wants to rob a bank when they're sixty?


  1. I have no memory of this movie being in theaters lol.

    1. I saw a trailer in front of something theatrically...but I don't remember what film. It's just another one of those movies seemingly produced by REDBOX STUDIOS, assuming such an unholy entity exists.

      That said, it wasn't as terrible as I thought it was going to be.
      Thanks for the comment, Brittani. You're the best.

  2. Omg, I remember seeing a trailer for this (what feels like 3 years ago) and forgot all about it. When did it even come out in cinemas?!
    I just looked it up - the UK never even got it. Damnit! I don't care how bad it is, I need to see it for that cast!

    1. It probably sat on the shelf for a long time, as I too vaguely remember seeing something about it...then never hearing anything else for a long, looooong time.

      I enjoyed it enough...but I wasn't expecting much. I rented it only because it was the shortest thing they had! (and it really is a crazy story)

  3. I kept confusing this one with that other disaster...with Wonder Woman and Jon Hamm. This shares 3 actresses with Ghostbusters...I assume it cannot possibly be worse than that thing was

    1. I'm not sure which is worse, as I enjoyed each....enough? Again, I roll into half this shit just hoping to make it to the end without slipping into a coma. My bar is pretty frickin' low.

      As for that other one? I actually thought I might track that one down, too. Wonder Woman is super hot, but my real favorite is Isla Fisher. Goodness.


    2. I'm not sure which is less surprising - the fact that you wanna see that movie or the fact that tonight I'm sitting through some shit for 5 minutes of boo-k in cowboy outfit

    3. I think we should call it a tie.