Wednesday, April 5, 2017

How can I be strong, when you make me so weak?

Many people, okay - a few people (nerds, mostly), love to argue about what Disney film has the best villain. While I guess it's fine to waste valuable life time to debating such trivial matters (this is my 623rd blog post, by the way), I'd like to discuss something much more pressing. Like, serious serious business: What Disney princesses I'd like to hook up with.

My number one has always been Ariel. Long red hair, big round...uh, eyes, clam-shell bra worn as everyday attire, and a voice that's either angelic and melodic or totally mute. Regardless, add all that up, and she's the total package.

Number two? Jessica Rabbit. Okay, fine...she's technically not a princess, but everything about her gives me a royal boner. And clearly she's down, I mean, her boyfriend is a rabbit.

But number three? That's where me and the other eleven (voices in my head) lock the doors, and begin to deliberate fervently. Is it Jasmine and her olive skin? Mulan and her boyish good looks? Pocahontas and her...uh...okay, I never saw that one.

Honestly, those three? I think I'm gonna go with no..., no! and no? The answer is actually quite simple. Number three all-time?

Hermione. I mean, Belle. Number three is Belle.

I'm not sure what side of the fence I'm on when it comes to the influx of live-action remakes Disney is unleashing on the masses. While the risk seems to be low, the rewards apparently are quite high, as once again, Disney has broken the bank with a modern retelling of a beloved classic. Pulled from Walt's moneybin vault, Beauty and the Beast follows the formula from last year's The Jungle Book [review] to the letter: famous songs and famous scenes, now filled with famous faces!

Typically I'm wasting your time with poorly-written plot information anyway, but describing the story details of Beauty and the Beast seems like cruel and unusual punishment. Basically, a nerdy girl is held hostage by a hairy a-hole and all his friends until she loves him unconditionally. Sure, that doesn't sound super-romantic nor the ideal way for a romance to blossom, but being that the guy it totally rich, f--k it! There's a part about the girl's cockblocking dad being committed (or hanged, or something), but no one really cares about that guy anyway. Oh, and there's another giant prick that's in love with this girl, but no one really can figure out why.

I'm not the biggest fan of the animated version of Beauty and the Beast, but having seen it a bunch of times, I still consider it one of the better classics. For the most part, the live-action version stays incredibly true, with each iconic scene being faithfully recreated with a mix of incredible set design and fairly solid CGI.

I enjoyed the these two dudes a lot more than I thought I would...
(even though this looks like some kind of kinky three-way)
But let's cut to the chase, shall we? What about the girl and the hairy guy? I know some yous out there, no like-a de Emma Watson, but I thought she was an ideal choice to play the bookish Belle. She cute, ever so earnest, and the exact mix of stubborn and strong the role demands. Dan Stevens has a much more difficult task, as his performance is buried under some suspect CGI. While Andy Serkis has made a living making mythical creatures feel like absolute truth, my man Stevens isn't as fortunate. It's not a bad's just kind of...silly? Doesn't matter, though. Stevens was the star of  The Guest [review]. He can play all three annoying critters in Alvin & the Chipmunks 17: I Just Chip'd in My Pants and I will still love him regardless.

What I likely won't love forever, are the Yays and Boos. These two are starting to feel as old as time, you know? Shame they can't twirl around a fancy ballroom...and then straight off a cliff.

*points to Kevin Kline* Accio!
So, now that we're alone...
  • Pretty much out of the gate, they had me. Not only do I get to hear the totally rad tune Belle, but I also get to see an adorable Hermione (in a low-cut blue dress) singing it with gusto. There goes the baker indeed.
  • And I don't care what you say, Emma Watson? In that dress? A million points for Griffyndor.
  • Puh-pah! I need to have another kid immediately (or at least, try to make one...repeatedly). the reason? Dad is so lame an monosyllabic. But puh-paw? Anything but.
  • Yo, Belle. That's one sweet-ass laundry machine you've got there.
  • Ah, Hogwart's the Beast's castle. Such a majestic prison place to live!
  • Man, Gaston is also a pretty fantastic number, you know? I feel like I've heard that song a million times, and it's still just as awesomely terrible as it was twenty years ago. Though seeing two actual men perform it, takes the idea that No one's slick as Gaston to a different, much more, uh, erotic place.
  • The Beast has some pretty good moments, including his 'gentle' knocking and 'dashing' smile. I still think he would have terrified my daughter, however (we pawned her off with my mom, if you're thinking I'm a terrible person [which I am, just not in this instance]).
  • Be Our Guest is also as good as ever, but this time, feeling like much more of a production than I recall. I don't even know if this flick's available in 3D, but if it is, this scene would have been worth the extra three bucks for sure.
  • Okay, while it doesn't quite reach the heights of  someone throwing a horse at Abraham Lincoln [review], the Beast spiraling a myriad of wolves like so many Nerf  footballs is overwhelmingly joyous. Sigh.
  • Belle loves the Beast's massive...library. And what does he do when he learns this? Oh, he gives to her alright. Gives her the whoooooole thing. Okay, I'll stop now.
  • I don't remember the snowball to the face being a tiny f--king snow boulder! I thought Belle was going to end up in the concussion protocol.
  • That creepy mask I've lived in fear of my whole life is a plague-mask? Really? It's true, you really can learn something every day. I thought those masks where exclusively found in the mysterious orgy section of Party City, not in the medical supplies section. Huh.
  • Little Chip goes crazy during the epic battle at the end, and basically kills a hundred dudes with dishes to the face. My only concern, however, is Chip, who's basically part of a plate-setting, is destroying fellow tableware in the process. If he were a real kid, this is essentially like throwing babies at people....or at least corpses, right? Shameful!
  • My son, during the climax of the film, leans over to me and says (rather loudly) just drop him. Damn, son. That's cold. But also pretty funny.
  • Turn back into a clock, turn back into a clock!
  • And finally, I think we have established the new benchmark for closing credits in any movie where CGI is used heavily. Honestly, these were fantastic and left me leaving the theater marginally happier than I would've been otherwise.
LeFou, wishing he knew how to quit Gaston.
  • Uh, that was quite the party, no? I mean, it's got a vag-peen ration of like 65:1. Is this how the original animated flick opened? I don't remember being so jealous in 1991...
  • So this spell has some major collateral damage, right? I mean, yeah the guy's a dick, sure...but we have to punish everyone in the castle over it? Seems a bit overblown as far as curses go, but maybe that's just me.
  • In Belle's little provincial town, what the Hell is with the library? Seven books? Shoot. If that's a library, my house has a virtual Barnes & Noble (or, at least, a magazine stand) near the shitter alone.
  • Who are these three sluts in the window? Close that shit, wenches. There's children out here.
  • How old is Gaston? No, really. I need to know this. I can look past sex with (consenting) animals, but this looks a little statutory to me...
  • Teaching a girl to read, Belle? How embarrassing! 
  • I almost died at the mention of poor Agatha. I'm pretty sure, by the way they used it, that should read Poor Agatha, as in her official title, according to the rest of the townspeople.
  • Dad, the ragdoll. First, Belle slams her fragile pops to the ground. Next? The Beast drags him down concrete stairs kicking and screaming. Uh, but we're doing it for his benefit, right?
  • I'm all for big girls (and big people, frankly), but Wardrobe was a bit too, uh, sassy for me. And I'm not sure what the human equivalent of moths in your bottom drawers might be, but I'm damn sure I don't want visual proof. Damn, girl. Damn.
  • I've had some really close friends in my life but I've never bitten them...on the stomach.
  • I'm not super-psyched about drinking out of your son's skull, nice British Lady. And if it wouldn't be too much of a bother, could I have something to drink that hasn't, you know, been inside of you? Thanks.
  • What is this song about being an employee? Who gives a shit? Get back to work, you singing a-holes, or we're gonna have the most kickass yard sale ever.
  • Uh *adjusting Coke-bottle glasses*, when it was cold and snowy outside, I saw no visible evidence of their breathing. Are we supposed to believe their internal body temperatures are vastly below normal human temperatures?
  • This magic book thing that allows Beast to show Belle any part of the world at any time in history? Holy shit! F--k Al Gore. The Beast invented the Internet!
  • Never in my life did I think I would say/write/type the following words, but screw it: I really miss Angela Lansbury. (uh, she passed, right?)
  • And speaking of the singing of the big song, isn't it kind of a dick move to include the word Beast in the lyrics? You're trying to have this overly-elaborate dance number with a smokin' broad and this old British chick keeps reminding everyone you're a hairy, out-of-control monster. Kind of kills the mood, no?
  • If you love something, set it rescue its father?
  • Guy Watching Asylum Car. You had one job!
  • Even my son was worried that Gaston might've hurt someone with that errant torch.
  • But that wasn't the only cheap shot Gaston put on somebody. Not even close. As a fan of shooting people in the face (in movies, derrr), I was appalled at the number of times Beast took it in the back. And the last one? Oh, it was a great shot, sure, but it came way after the buzzer.
  • THAT was the 'gay' moment? Really, Disney? I'm not looking to elevate this three dudes Human Centipeding each other or something, but this was silly and borderline offensive. In am much poor taste... as everything on this website.
  • But the final Boo for Beauty and the Beast? Well, shocking no one, it's the Beast himself. Not only does he look like Chewbacca's boarding-school headmaster, but there's something disconcerting about the whole romantic angle focused around this lumbering dude. Many people are conspiring to basically force this woman to sleep with an animal, purely for selfish reasons (as if altruistic reasons would make this better). Really? You give the beast some bloody fangs, have Belle take two unnecessary showers, and this is a horror movie, dammit. Or at least...something you'd find on Cinemax at two in the morning.
I opened this post talking about an unnatural love (or lust, was it lust? I forget) between a teenage boy and a cartoon female. And you might be thinking, what kind of pervert would ever consider such a thing (let alone type it out and spell-check it)? I guess it's fair to judge me, but why don't you hold that magical mirror a little closer to your own face, shall we?

Are you telling me who I can fall in love with? Are you telling me that I should only want to be with a human person, regardless of my heart tells me?

Sounds like a story I once saw when I was a kid.

(then again last week)


  1. " Basically, a nerdy girl is held hostage by a hairy a-hole" hmmmmmmm *giggling*

    Dude....I think Lansbury is alive :)

    Not surprised GoatMan CGI sucks even in trailers it looked so bad. I am definitely gonna see this one for all the actors in the background I heard McGregor is awesome but then again he always is. And yes The Guest rox so hard!

    That whole gay thing...the character is comic relief, the moment is apparantely super short and the dumb director talking about it made it a thing that overshadows a movie. Just a bad move all around

    1. Hahaha...sounds like a dream scenario, right? Being held captive by a manly animal.

      Oh SHIT. Lansbury is alive. Ooops.

      GoatManCGI is pretty terrible, but I guess it's the best that they could do. And when Stevens finally gets to show up at the end...he looks even more frightening than the Beast. Yikes.

      I loved McGregor, but your arch enemy, suggested that he wasn't very good as Lumiere. What does she know? She doesn't like sickly hobos, either...

      The Guest!!!!!!!!! Yes. Indeed.

      Good call with the 'bad move' notion. It would have been way less scrutinized had the director just kept his mouth shut. It would have been silly, but instead it was borderline least in the context that it REPRESENTED A SIGNIFICANT MOMENT in the Disney pantheon of characters/moments.

    2. More frightening than the beast? Does he turn into Eddie Redmayne or something?

      You need to show your wife Eddie the Eagle. If at some point of it she doesn't remark what a treasure Jackman is then all hope is lost. Sickly hobo?! What the fuck, man? :P

      I just don't know why he opened his mouth. Well, I do, they thought it will make people curious in SJW climate we have now but seriously more people talked about that then they did about the actual movie

    3. I don't know how to explain it. It was kind of like when Adam Driver finally showed his face in TFA. He's a normal guy...but it was...alarming?

      We will definitely be watching Eddie the Eagle soon. I wanted to see that f--ker theatrically, but I missed it for some reason. I will patiently wait for her pro-Jackman statement...but clearly she's in to freaks. CLEARLY.

      Totally totally totally with you. Just shut up about it, and let it happen. Not everything needs to be politicized or make a statement. It's a f--king remake of a cartoon, not a sequel to Schindler's List.

  2. Oh my god, these innuendos are killing me!
    "a voice that's either angelic and melodic or totally mute" this might just be your most under-appreciated bit of writing ever, I laughed out loud at this!
    That said, I'm glad to find someone else who loves Emma Watson as Belle, I thought she was the perfect choice :)

    1. Hahaha...stoked that you got a laugh out of this one. I write as many stupid lines that I can think of, and hope that one or two of them are amusing.

      It's me and you, Allie. The rest of these f--kers don't seem to appreciate the awesomeness that is Hermione, er, Watson. She was a very good choice!!

  3. I'll see this eventually but I think Emma Watson is such a terrible actress so I'm not rushing to it. I love the animated version.

    Great review!

    1. Wait, WHAT? Don't you love the Harry Potter movies? Isn't this anti-Watson stance blasphemy? Doesn't her understated hotness make up for any acting deficits?

      Just kidding with these questions. Because the answer to all of them is YES.