Monday, August 1, 2011

Consider it avoided.

Though it took me a couple of days to finish it (lots of baseball in between), I just conquered last year's debacle, Jonah Hex.

Two things. One, I am not purposely trying to have a blog where I watch a) comic-based and/or b) rather shitty movies. It's just sort of turned out that way so far. And two, I know that the world thinks this movie sucks hard (I almost never go into a movie blind). But one of my hang-ups is I always like to see for myself. People love the Transformers movies and let's be honest. Each one has been a steaming turd. Sometimes, "everyone" turns out to be a gigantic, stupid bastard who has no clue what a good movie is.

Not this time, however. They're right. This one sucks. Horribly. Not even the kind of horrible that is charming in some weird way. This is the kind of horrible when you just have to look at the person next to you and plead. Why? Why did someone make this? Why did that happen? Let's never watch another movie. Ever.

Sometimes. Just sometimes, she looks a, mannish.
Okay, it's not without a few redeeming qualities.
  • I did like the beginning. It gave me hope.
  • John Malkovich is in this. The way he speaks is always amusing. 
  • There is a train explosion that is pretty ridiculous.
  • He punches a man's head into ash. That's cool.
  • Seriously, I don't even find her that hot, but Ms. Fox is in this one. And she plays a whore. So there's that. But really, even if she makes your pants uncomfortable, I still don't think it works here. Go rent Jennifer's Body.
But the bad stuff, is crazy bad. The effects can be laughable (cannonball things?). There is this Native-American resurrection scene that ends with a crow crawling out of Hex's mouth that may need to be seen to be believed. That, or it should never be seen by anyone (one of those - you pick). Oh, and there are a couple of scenes where you basically CAN'T SEE. Yes. It's so dark you simply have no idea what the Hell is happening (but you're okay with it). Oh, and the finale? Unbelievable. It's like someone took a dump in your eyes. From the editing, to the staging, to the score - the end is awful.

NOTE: You know, I've never made a film. I know this. I hate to read nonsense that some people put online trashing everything, like they are true intellectuals and have all the answers (though probably living at home and hanging out at Gamestop). I rant and hate because I feel that people making and starring in these garbage movies are wasting their time and talent (and millions of dollars) on crap, when they know what a good movie is. They can do better and they don't. That's where I call bullshit.

1 comment:

  1. This was awful, but it could have been fun and violent like Crank, instead it is more like Lightning Jack with Paul Hogan.