Saturday, January 14, 2012

I just missed your heart.

Not long ago my dad helped me paint the kitchen in my house. We each started on opposite sides and within a couple of minutes he was standing there, arms folded, waiting for me to finish my half. Painting a ceiling doesn't require all that much skill, but I could feel his eyes boring a hole into my skull. My confidence was waning, and mercifully he took over and finished. He then proceeded to lecture me on the fundamentals of painting: the way to hold the brush, how much paint to apply and he even went after my edging technique. The only reason I mention this is because it really helped me relate to last night's protagonist, Hanna. Her dad is just like mine, except replace kitchen with people and paint with murder.

Okay, hold on - murder? Well, assassinate would probably be a better term, but in Hanna the line is routinely blurred. This young girl kills many highly-trained grown men, mostly because they'd probably kill her first, but also because that's what she was born to do.

I had heard many things about this flick and word on the street was that it was genre-defying and unlike anything-you've-ever-seen! That hype, courtesy of some online critics (and the Blockbuster lady), actually worked against the movie. Had I expected nothing, I bet I would have loved it, but being that I was really looking forward it to it, I think it falls into the decent category instead of the mind-blowing boner jam I was anticipating. Let's just get to the Yays and Boos, huh?

Unabomber Hoodie + albino tendencies = Killing Machine
  • Let's send in a dummy version of Hanna's mark. I'm sure that'll end well. Snap.
  • Chemical Brothers provide the Tron: Legacy-esque beats. Brilliant.
  • Girls kissing? Even if it's innocent and pure, is it still awesome? I'm leaning toward Hell, yes.
  • Usually old people get spared bullets to the head. Notice the usage of the word usually.
  • Okay, let's get serious. The scene where Eric Bana gets off the bus and proceeds to kick ass in an underground parking garage is one of the most inspirationally badass that I've seen in a long time. I immediately watched it three times in a row. They might've hidden an edit or two, but I didn't see it. This scene alone is worth watching the entire movie for. Short on time? It starts at 1:04:28.
I 'd have to live to be a million to ultimately decide if Cate Blanchett is hot.
  • Contaminated blood? I guess Anakin's not the only one with a high midi-chlorian count.
  • ...which allows her to grab the undercarriage of a speeding Hummer and not get torn in two. Okay.
  • Trolling the abortion clinics? Classy.
  • German Assassin Guy who loves hermaphrodites? Dude, you're frightening and all, but you also look like 3/4 of everyone I've ever seen working at IKEA. Nice shorts, bro.
  • Lastly, how did Sophie not get punched in the face? I'm going to pretend that she did, though watching that one guy get carved like a pumpkin may have lasting effects on her English-sluttiness.
And with that, I'm gone. It's 17-14 at halftime in a game I don't care about. I'm not sure the 49ers can hang on to this lead with out a killer quarterback. Someone like Joe MontHanna. Hi-yooooo! Give it up for...synergy!


  1. I loved Hanna, for all the reasons you mentioned, but I will say that the Anakin remark made me snort a laugh, because that was the only thing that rubbed me the wrong way about this movie. Lovely review!

    1. Thanks again for the kind words. It's been a day, and I'm still thinking about Hanna - the sign of a quality flick. Dare I nominate Saoirse Ronan for BAMF...? I mean, did you see Atonement? Bitch is crazy!

    2. Agreed! And you may dare! I definitely may have to do that down the line. I haven't seen Atonement, but for her, I would get all up in that.

  2. Good write-up! Thought this was a solid action thriller. Loved the dummy version of Cate's character...and her demise.