Lie still. I’ve never done this before. And there will be blood.

When I first saw the incredible trailer for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo I felt powerless against it. It will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine. David Fincher, Daniel Craig and Trent Reznor? Any of these three would've been enough to get me to the theater. Combined? Hopefully, I could manage to keep my pants on when I got there. Hopefully.

This pose? Totally stolen from the Brown-Vangel wedding announcement.

But then something happened. I decided that I had to read the book first. Now, why bother with the book at all (if there's going to be a film version)? Why not read one of the thousands of great books that will never be brought to the big screen? I used to stand by that reasoning (and maybe still do), but I was compelled. So, with twelve days before it hit theaters, I began tearing through the novel. Using the awesome public library service on my Kindle, I was good to go. Mission accomplished. Small things aside, I really enjoyed it. Bring it, Fincher. Let's see what kind of madness you can add to this sordid tale.

But, I had another idea. I have to see the original Swedish version first. I must. That plan failed. Good thing, too. I mean, one story, three versions, in one month's time? That might've driven me to murder someone and an adjacent animal. Like a parakeet, perhaps?

So after many near-misses at the local theater (see below), the ride finally came to an end last night. The verdict? Well, like the power going out during the climax of the movie (sad, but true), it might surprise and disappoint you.

Delicious meatballs, yes. Cell phone coverage, no.

First, as the old saying goes, Hype's a bitch. What's that? No one says that? Oh. Regardless, my own expectations are definitely/partially responsible for this one not kicking my ass. Second, as the old saying actually goes, The book is always better. It's cliché, but it's true, too. I know, you can't say that without sounding like a smarmy douche, but what am I gonna do? Oh, don't you roll your eyes at me.

I did not hate this movie. I liked it very much. I honestly think if I'd never read the book, it would have floored me. But take away any element of surprise (and some key omissions) and you're left with nothing but some Yays and Boos. And to that, I say skål.

If this guy wins an Oscar, they should shove it up his ass.

Yaaaaaaay!

• The introduction. Arguably the best title sequence ever. I was so amped, I wanted to punch everyone in the theater in the face out of happiness.
• Flashback sequence + Highlighting the police reports was simple, but effective.
• The cast is great. I really liked Christopher Plummer as Henrik Vanger. Yeah, I went Plummer.
• The camera loves crotches and asses. That's weird. So do I. 
• Any scene that provokes or displays revenge is as graphic as it is awesome. Off the charts cringe-inducing.
• Nudity. I'm talking about the happy kind. Not the rape-y kind.
• Not sure if it was in the book, but I loved the idea of being polite vs. being killed. The fear of offending is stronger than the fear of pain. That's pure genius.

Tattoos and ass pain? She gets as good as she gives.

 Booooo!

• We now have a tie with American Beauty for worst shower scene ever.
• The professor from Good Will Hunting, Stellan Skarsgård. You just can't trust this prick. (it's too obvious) 
• Cat killing. Even though I'm a dog person, never really been a fan.
• Is it weird if I like Daniel Craig, like, more than a friend?
• When I inevitably end up in a torture den, I hope they fire up the Enya. Sail away, sail away, sail away.
• And finally, the numerous, inexcusable differences that my twelve-year-old-girl-at a-Harry-Potter-movie-mindset couldn't let go of...

The worst offenders in no particular order: 1) Cecilia Vanger. In the book, she was sexy and they got it on frequently. In the film, she's kind of, um, ugly and consequently no booty-time. 2) The ending? C'mon now, I wanted a bloomin' onion. 3) Lisbeth! She is frickin' unrelentingly weird and introverted in the book. I mean, you can't make sense of her at times. In the film, she's basically an action hero. Kicking ass, doing bitches and dropping one liners. Yippi-ki-yay, Ms. Salander.