Friday, January 20, 2012

I'm being punished for something. I know it.

I probably need to start drinking. Maybe even fire up some hard drugs. Other than verbally destroying it with friends, these are quite possibly the only two ways in existence to enjoy tonight's suckfest, 2009's Legion. I wasn't expecting much - trust me, but I was expecting, at the very least, effort. Maybe the special effects guys broke a sweat, or even the always-passionate Charles S. Dutton. But the writers? The director? Those bastards were hanging out, playing Nintendo during this one.

A knife or a sub-machine gun. What would Jesus use?
Mentioning video games makes sense because that's probably what this script should've become. Granted, it'd probably ended up as a rather shitty game, but at least the plot holes and atrocious dialogue would've been easier to swallow. Take this exchange:

Slutty Girl
What the Hell is that?

It's clouds, what do you think they are?

Damn, I hated this movie. But to be fair, I think it deserves a breakdown.
Let's crank out the Yays and Boos, Angry God style.

They say the number one killer of old people is retirement.
  • Shoot the bitch! The scene pictured to the left is pretty awesome. Oh, it's completely ridiculous, but it features a badass old lady. She's dropping the C-word, eating fly-covered raw steaks, and chompin' necks with her nutso baby-teeth. Oh, and she's like the scurrying champion of F**ktown, USA.
  • This one guy gets hit by a car and it's pretty sweet. Actually caught me off guard, too.
And now, the meat...
This picture says all you need to know about this one.
  • The premise! God is so angry at us he possesses some people to kill others who are protecting an unwanted baby? Um, couldn't you just possess the mother and have her kill herself? But then we wouldn't have time for...
  • Ice Cream/Alaskan King Crab Man! This guy rolls up in an ice cream truck, transforms (no one else did that) and then gets shot instantly. Good thing you grew an extra two feet though, before getting riddled with bullets, asshole.
  • Speaking of bullets, there's a seen where Paul Bettany grabs this gigantic machine gun and heads outside to fight the baddies. He shoots it four times, throws it to the ground, busts into a John Woo-spin, then opts for two pistols. Made me furious. It's like Jason Voorhees putting down a chainsaw, unnecessarily somersaulting, and whipping out a butterfly knife. Scratch that. My example rules.
  • Holy shit, I almost forgot the scene where the father is crucified outside. He's covered in boils and screaming incessantly. What happens in the next two minutes will either make you want to laugh hysterically or take a crap in your hand and carefully feed it into your blu ray player so that you and the machine are even-steven.
  • Amish Boy from 1987 (the official credit isn't much better: Minivan Boy) - Maybe the height of absurdity is this little bastard's role in the chaos. Tyrese saves your white ass and this is how you repay a brother? Your mom's going to be pissed that her sweatshirt has 19 bullet holes in it. Oh wait, she was probably possessed and sent to walk slowly into gunfire. Never mind.
  • How many times are you going to rip off The Terminator? My count was three. 
  • Though, I've got at least a dozen more, I'll end with the baby. Baby, your mom hates you. She smokes like a chimney. And, she didn't even need to recover after delivering you. I've taken dumps that laid me up longer than her post-birthing down time. Oh, and guess what? You were dropped. Yeah, it's true. But to be fair, it was in slow-motion - so there was plenty of time to make a diving catch. But...about an hour later you were in a car accident traveling at speeds over a hundred miles an hour. Guess what? Somehow, you're okay. You came out of the whole thing completely unharmed.
Wish I could say the same...
(the only reason I watched this tonight is that my copy of Black Dynamite from Blockbuster was broken in half. What the shit is that?)

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