Saturday, March 21, 2020

Bad news, baby. It's not going to be okay.

When the manager of my local theater called me last Friday, I was totally rattled. I figured he was reaching out to all of the [potentially] infected, but instead he was asking if I could come in about a half an hour earlier. Turns out no one else had bought a ticket, and he was thinking he could get his staff home just a little bit earlier if they could move my 10 o'clock showing up.

That's very nice of you, but, uh, how about I stay home altogether and you guys get out even earlier? 

He laughed, but informed me that there was another late show with actual paying customers, so whether I showed or not, they wouldn't be getting out any earlier if I stayed home. He then sweetened the deal with whatever snacks I wanted, free of charge.

The whole conversation had me thinking. Is it smart to go to the theater right now? But you'll be the only one in it. Exactly, because you know this movie sucks ass. But you love shitty movies. This is dumb. You're dumb. Stay home. But...Henry. He's so nice. And this might be the last time you go to a theater for a very long time.

Needless to say, there was a lot running through my head...while I hauled ass to the theater.


I didn't know about the existence of Bloodshot before my older brother Bryan showed me the trailer late last year, yet here I was, alone, disinfecting my stadium seat (and the adjacent ones at that). Being that Bry was so stoked with the premise, not to mention the promise of this latest comic-book flick (especially when Vin gets his face blown off in slo-mo to close the trailer), I immediately recommended we watch Upgrade [review] which seemed to be cast from a similar mold. And while there are easily identifiable similarities, let's be honest with ourselves: who the f--k cares? DID YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS FACE?!?

Vin Diesel is not Groot, but instead plays a soldier named Ray, who after watching his sexy lady murdered directly in front of him, is himself shot in the head and killed. Or balls and wounded. It doesn't matter.

What might matter, is that Ray is somehow saved, and now enlisted in a super-secret super-soldier squad. Training with his insanely hot partner KT, Ray quickly learns he's basically a deadpan Deadpool, strong as f--k and capable of instant regeneration, assuming shit goes sideways. Heading the program is Guy Pearce, which doesn't do anything to dampen the Memento-vibe, which may or may not have been thrust our way intentionally.

Definitely deliberate, is this built-in malfunction that Ray's been, well, equipped with. Every single time he reaches a certain point with KT, he remembers his dead wife and the man that killed her. He snaps, breaks out of the training facility, and straight up murders the guy who did it. Wait, what do you mean every time?


Eventually, Bloodshot kind of feels like a PS5 cutscene, and that's not necessarily a bad thing...
I don't know, and neither will you, likely ever, as this movie wasn't really headed anywhere, honestly, and that was before this f--king pandemic closed movie theaters around the world. If you end up seeing this, it will likely be on VOD or Disney-, and frankly, that sounds about right. It's got some rad action scenes, it's got Eiza Gonzalez, and of course, it's got Vin being Vin. If any of those things make your Peter tingle, then you'll probably have just enough fun with Bloodshot. I was literally in a theater of my own, so I had a pretty good time, but couldn't imagine ever sitting through it again. But at this rate, I'd be happy to just get the chance.

Speaking of things we should all be thankful for, here are the Yays and Boos. I mean, if you're reading them, you know your WiFi still works. 

Her superpower? No one can breathe around her.
Yaaaaaaaaaay!
  • Ooh, that Greenland trailer was the perfect level of creepy. Nothing like an end of the world flick during, well...
  • And the next trailer? Greyhound. With Tom Hanks (I know he's going to be okay, but screw it, seeing him made me happy)
  • It's actually kind of a Boo, but there's a scene set during the golden hour, where Ray's lovely young wife is leaning against a vintage sports car as his buddies slap him on the back in slow motion, that is so overwhelmingly cliche, it would have embarrassed Michael Bay. Honestly...it was amazing.
  • And on the other end of the cinematic spectacle, Vin powerbombs a guy through a toilet, which as moving images go, is equally breathtaking (and patriotic?).
  • I have to be honest, KT's (nicely supported) boobs pretty much become a supporting character. I was very interested in their...arc?
  • When Ray comes to and realizes he's super-strong, his first instinct, and I kid you not, is to punch everything. Including a concrete support beam in the employee lounge, because f--k that thing for holding up the ceiling.
  • When we get it, the action is f--king inspired, to say the least. There's a head-on collision in a tunnel, that's beyond badass. And even better...
  • ...it leads to an epic slo-mo flour fight. Alright, maybe it wasn't flour. But it was epic, dammit.
  • Hobbs and Shaw, er, Tibbs and Dalton are tasked with shutting Ray down. Now, obviously, these guy's have no chance, but their enhanced powers are pretty f---king rad. The finale features one dude who's basically Robo-Doc Ock, minus the bowl cut, and he gives Ray a bit of a beating in the shaft.
  • And finally, and I may have said this before, there is something I find so fascinating about Vin Diesel. The dude is a physical presence, sure, but other than the fact that he's been a monster for like, two decades, that isn't what I dig about him. He straight-up plays the same character in everything ever and after all these years, I'm still willing to watch him do it. In movies that kind of suck, no less. The dude's pulling the greatest Jedi-mind trick ever. You will watch 27Fast27Furious. Yeah, you know, I kind of want to see if Dom lands that jump...
The comic looks pretty cool, actually.
Might have to check it out...when I can leave my house.
Boooooooooo!
  • When I got there, I told the ticket girl, Yeah, I'm here for Bloodlust. She looked at my like the asshole I so clearly was. Do you mean, BloodSHOT? (lucky she didn't call the cops)
  • BONA Film Group? Guys. I haven't even seen Vin Diesel yet and I'm already snickering? Give a f--ker a chance...
  • Okay, this was a real coin-toss for whether it was headed up to the Yays, or down here to the Boos, but today, as luck would have it, the heavy use of side-boob has been deemed a Boo. More on this story as it develops...
  • Lovely as Gina is, er was, (Talulah Riley, for those keeping score), her handwritten note left to Ray looked like it was written by a drunken child. 
  • Hey, newly-revived soldier guy. The reason we've chosen you for our program, is because you have no one in your life. So, yeah, congrats on being alive again, you family-less jerk. Ending your solitude with the sweet embrace of death? Yeah, not today, hoss.
  • Every time Ray finishes a mission, the whole story resets, and it starts over Groundhog Day style. But, since we're all morons, they have different colored clothes on, so it makes sense.
  • Ray kind of learns things Neo style, like immediately, but they aren't really uploading shit into his brain or anything. Honestly, I think he just Asks Jeeves.
  • Who is this one dude who looks like Lonzo Ball? He's scary.
  • Eric wants an enhanced pecker? Really? Trust me, this character is already a huge dick. Let's not overdo it.
  • KT's fight scene was indecipherable. Um, no. She's so effing sexy, everything she does, include gaze on indifferently should have been in extreme slo-mo. Including when she doesn't kiss Ray at the end. Wait, what?
  • And finally, regardless of how I felt about the film, I was pretty appreciative that my local theater made sure I got to go. In fact, I wanted to find Henry on the way out and shake his hand...oh, right.
I hope you are doing well, wherever (and Hell, whoever) you are. Not going to the movies sucks, sure, but clearly we've all got bigger fish to fry. Well, assuming you bought fish before you were ordered to stay in your house for the next couple of weeks.

I've taken the time to try to enjoy more movies at home, specifically more movies with my kids, because I'm lucky enough to not have to worry about work (and money)...just yet

If you ever find yourself in Pennsylvania, the next movie's on me. But the snacks?


Those are on Henry.

10 comments:

  1. The last movie I saw in theaters before everything closed was Portrait of a Lady on Fire and there was about 4 people in it and we were all sitting in the separate 4 corners of the theater lol.

    I can't with Vin Diesel. I just can't.

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    1. Hahaha, four corners sounds about right. I thought the trailer was a bit weird, but holy shit the online love for Portrait is immense! At this point, I've got nothing but time....

      You can't with Vin? Lucky! I can't...stop with Vin.

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  2. I also saw this in an (almost) empty theater. My feelings about it are exactly like yours. I was only looking for whether or not Vin's ever-present tank top was a yay or boo. I mean, he stretched his acting abilities when he switched from the white one to the black one. Gotta be worth a mention, right? And yay to everything KY...and her supporting cast.

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    1. You don't know how hard I laughed at that tank top comment (when I first read it)! Hahahaha...it still cracks me up! I was hoping for a wild card, you know, like a green one. Or...a clear one, 'cause if you remember, KT also had to follow suit.

      And speaking of...MY GOODNESS.

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  3. I really want to see this because I hope it's going to be mindless fun and I gotta need some mindless fun right now. That being said, it's quite cool you got to see all by yourself.. as almost like.. will this movie be the last one you saw in the cinema before shit hit the fan? That's like... I hope it's not a sign.

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    1. It's definitely mindless, just not sure about the 'fun'.

      This was the last movie I saw in the theaters, and frankly, early as it was, it still didn't seem like a good idea. But a showing for one? It wasn't going to get any more 'socially distanced' than that, right?

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  4. Yeah I watched it this week. I don't even know why lol It was dreadful and Diesel seriously cannot lead a movie. Dude, thank God these poor people had to be working for something else because if they had to stay just so you could watch THIS you'd be such an asshole lol

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    1. HAhahahahaHAHa, holy shit, right? I would have felt like such a prick! Luckily, this was back in the days where we (foolishly) thought everything was still normal, so nobody at the theater seemed too...upset.

      As for this movie, yeah, pretty dumb. I'll still probably watch it again (with the sound off). Holy cow that girl was sexyyyyyyyyy.

      Oh, and by the way, WHY DID YOU WATCH THIS???????? HMMMMM? There is no reason for this, dear friend. None.

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    2. I'm on this discord for people from letterbod and they kept talking about it and kinda made this movie into a meme so I was like 'how bad can it be'.

      Yeah....

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    3. I suppose I'm the last guy who should give anybody shit about watching a bad movie, right? But yeah, a bit of a disaster...

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