Wednesday, May 10, 2017

I'll tell you what: I'm never eating at Benihana again. I don't care whose birthday it is.

The things we do in the middle of the night.
Sometimes we regret them in the morning, but sometimes...they change our lives forever.

Six years ago tonight, Two Dollar Cinema was born in the darkest of dark alleys. It was an unremarkable delivery, with a hairy little post barely making a sound upon its arrival into the world. It weighed in at a mere 270 words, and sadly, it looked just like its father.

Unfortunately, no one was present to see it. Luckily, times have certainly changed.

While we're trying not to separate anything patting ourselves on the back, this is the one night a year that I reflect on the year that was. Sure, it's a bit of a (douchey) tradition (check out TDC's first, second, third, fourth and fifth birthdays), but a party's still a party. Even if you throw it for yourself.

Alright, let's cut the shit, shall we? In the last twelve months of this blog, the following thirteen (yes, thirteen...f--ker) films were my favorite. And yes, Observant Reader, I didn't say best. Oh, and don't stress too much about the order, okay? We're six years old, for f--k's sake. We're not really paying attention to anything.

  1. Hunt for the Wilderpeople - I'm not sure what's more surprising, that this was my favorite film of the year, or that Dr. Alan Grant himself read (and quoted!) my review.
  2. Logan - I'm not sure there will ever be a better superhero movie. And if there is, well, I'll likely die during it. It wasn't me. But it was, Logan. You totally f--king killed me.
  3. Hell or High Water - You could put Ben Foster in an asscream commercial and I'd consider it great cinema. But put him in great cinema? Yeah, I'm gonna need some asscream.
  4. La La Land - There is no finer example of what it feels like to be in love in your twenties.
  5. The Nice Guys - I'm still laughing at what Gosling did here. Holy shit, this flick's dicks are hysterical.
  6. Manchester by the Sea - I can't beat it. F--k me, neither could I. Just...devastating. Absolutely tore my heart out.
  7. The Handmaiden - Nothing this f--ked up has ever looked so beautiful. Masterful top to bottom.
  8. Hacksaw Ridge - I know, I know. You f--ker's hated this one. But me? I love stories about good people doing great things. I'm just weird that way...(that's sarcasm you heartless prick).
  9. Train to Busan - I'm still torn up about the Big Dude, you know? F--k me, this one was intense.
  10. Don't Breathe - Pretty sure at the end of this one, my wife wanted to tie me up in the basement and...well...nevermind. Let's just say she was pissed I dragged her to something that scared her to death. Repeatedly.
  11. Sully - This one rattled me, to be honest with you. I had to function as an adult moments after, and I could hardly keep it together.
  12. The Purge: Election Year - Easily my favorite documentary of 2016!
  13. Trolls - Even if I didn't flat-out enjoy this film, it still makes the list for basically being a time-capsule into about six months of my daughter's life. Yeah, she's moved on since then...but Branch and Poppy will live forever.
And now for something completely different, here are the the thirteen films that made me wish that instead of writing about movies, I blogged about every time I got kicked square in the balls. I mean, at least when you take a nut-shot, for a split second...someone's touching your junk, you know? 

  1. Suicide Squad - Whenever I think about Enchantress, I secretly hope a homeless sewer-witch would cast a spell rendering me unable to see or hear anything ever again.
  2. The Secret Life of Pets - F--k it, I'm telling everyone how amazingly shitty this kid's flick is.
  3. The Angry Birds Movie - This one is actually worse that Pets, but the catch? I knew it would be. 
  4. Silent Hill - I went to great lengths to watch this steaming pile of dogshit. Okay, fine. I just spent three bucks and pushed play, but still. F--k this town and everyone in it.
  5. Independence Day: Resurgence - My older brother and I see each other once a year. Seeing this movie with him, makes me think that once is more than enough.
  6. Sausage Party - Actual sausage parties are more fun than this one. 
  7. Lights Out - If only the theater had gone dark.
  8. Sing - Okay, there were some good animated movies this year...a lot of them actually. But the bad ones were f--king terrible. I had my hand up like Simon Cowell the entire time. Next!
  9. The Girl on the Train - F--k the girl. F--k the train. F--k me.
  10. Blair Witch - Hey, here's an idea. Let's go out into the woods and film m.brown's soul dying.
  11. Killer Mermaid - Shitty movies are supposed to be shitty. But, like, cool shitty. Not, you know, actually shitty. Where's a dick-eating Flounder when you need him?
  12. The Meddler - I think Susan Surandon's character is still talking. Let us never verify this.
  13. Lotus Eyes - I hate to dog a super-indie flick, but as our feature at a film festival...this one was rough.
This blog wouldn't have made it this far if it weren't for a few stellar individuals who have routinely supported all things Two Dollar Cinema. I've named names in previous posts, and for the most part, all of those fine individuals (and their brilliant blogs) still frequent this trainwreck, but I just want you to know, all self-congratulatory bullshit aside, you have changed my life forever.

And we didn't even do anything in the middle of the night. 

(or did we? I'm not exactly great with time zones...)


  1. Aw congrats! 6 years of awesone content and your writing just keeps getting better. I dont know what I'd do without your super entertaining posts and it is so impressive that you review each film you see and watch this many while actually also having a life

    This is gonna be inappropriate but I need to go all Ross in penultimate episode of Friends on you - we don't get individual thank yous this year? Literally the one thing I'll ever be #1 in? Jk. About the first sentence anywys

    Happy blog birthday! May all films be fun to write about in the next one

    1. Thank you (as always!), Sati. I owe you so much for your endless support of my blog, and in all honesty, I have learned a lot from your site. Well, outside of the clever writing and the impeccable design. Six years is a long time, and I'm sure I would have bailed years ago had it not been you and your angelic voice (of fire). Thank you...thank you...thank you.

      Ha! I totally forgot about my blog's birthday until about 5:30 yesterday evening, so the shout-outs got the axe. I know, total dick move, right?

    2. I always wonder if anyone actually makes it that far into RF - or dares reading it at all - to get to the links and visit the sites but I hope they do

      'Clever writing' oh Jesus that is a good one

      I have not once in years of running mine remembered the Anniversary. I actually did see the initial version of this post when I was applying 17th layer of make up at 6am so I checked it in office several h later only to see you pull Joe Pesci at the Oscars :)

    3. I don't get this Joe Pesci reference, but I love it anyway.

      See...there you go again with being so damn clever.

    4. When Pesci won for Goodfellas he literally got on stage, took the Oscar said 'thank you so much I appreciate it' and walked off the stage

  2. Happy Blogiversary! This sentence is one of the many reasons why I love reading your blog: "You could put Ben Foster in an asscream commercial and I'd consider it great cinema"

    Same, Same.

    1. Thanks, Brittani. It's not everyday you find someone who loves Foster (and asscream?) as much as I do.

      You are, along with Mrs. Jackman up there, without a doubt, the reason I still write this shitshow.

    2. OK "Mrs.Jackman" just put a smile on my face and that means 1. I am truly beyond help 2. You are forgiven for no individual thank yous

  3. Man, I could spend all day in that "kicked square in the balls" section. The way you thrash a flick is pure poetry, my friend.

    1. AFW! Good to see you, brother. I think this comment has basically unlocked the secret as to why I watch so many lame flicks. Well played, sir. Well played indeed.

    2. "The way you thrash a flick is pure poetry, my friend." That is one of the best things I've read in a while. <3

    3. Leave it to AW to hit us with a killer line like that. That charming bastard!

  4. Woo 6 years! You still write my favorite reviews to read, hands down.

    1. JESS! Thank you so much for the kind words. One day I hope to be a fraction of how good the whole FTS gang is, my goodness. You guys are professionals, I'm that shoeless kid running outside of the stadium pretending to know what I'm doing.

      For six years. *cries*

  5. I've been the red wiggle for seven years.

  6. Happy Birthday!!!

    I'm honored to be among the thanked, too.

    Just saw The Hunt for the Wilderpeople. Loved it. Glad it copped your top spot. Perfect assessment of The Handmaiden, too. I'm still a Dark Knight guy in terms of greatest superhero flicks, but Logan ain't far off. Terrific movie. I was kinda meh on The Purge: Election Year, but now that you made me realize it's a documentary I'm all about it!

    Not gonna lie, I kinda liked Suicide Squad and The Secret Life of Pets. Didn't love them, or anything, but I didn't hate them. The sad part is I liked Sausage Party better than them both. Now, The Angry Birds Movie and ID: Resurgence...yeesh were they horrible.

    Looking forward to another of coming to this blog to get a hearty laugh mixed in with good film critique.

    Long live the Yays and Boos!!!

    1. Thanks, Dell.

      Shocking no one, I'm all over the place with this damn list. I bet if you (were foolish enough to have) clicked on half those reviews, I'd say I had a good time with the shit-list, and wasn't exactly thrilled with my top baker's dozen.

      Glad you dug Hunt for the Wilderpeople, as everything about that film came together perfectly for me. And no lie, I don't think I laughed harder in any film all year.

      I think if I revisited TDK I might be swayed, but as it stands now, I don't think there's ever been a better superhero flick than Logan. There was just so much weight to it, you know? (and no one did a silly Batman voice)

      Another year of laughs? Shit. That means there's already been one, right? Hot damn, who knew?

  7. Happy 6th Anniversary, bud! I'm into 5 years and still haven't been even half as productive as you are with TDC.

    Been wondering for awhile, do (did?) you really have a movie theater that shows movies for $2 or was TDC just a clever name you came up with? Even a second-run theater charges $5 here, I think the only way to watch a movie for $2 (or slightly less?) would be a DVD rental from Redbox.

    1. Mike! 5 years is nothing to sneeze at. That's awesome!

      So...the whole two dollar thing? Well, when I lived in Connecticut the second-run theater did actually cost two bucks to go to. I think we only went once, but being that it was like a real shitty version of going to a nice theater, I thought it was a perfect name for a blog.

      We have one now where I live in PA, and I think it's closer to 5, too.

      So...redbox it is!

  8. Congrats on six years of awesomeness.

    Love your summary of The Girl on the Train. I read the book, which had received huge hype, and I considered it just a pretty good read. Going from "hugely hyped" to "pretty good" is a significant drop. So when I heard that the movie was outright shitty, I was afraid to even find out. (What is significantly more underwhelming than "outright shitty"?) So no, I didn't watch it Too bad. Emily Blunt is terrific.

    1. Thanks, Steph. You've totally helped me get there, no doubt.

      I was exhausted when we started that damn movie, and I was pretty much pissed that it was the reason that I had to stay awake. I imagine the book would be waaaaay better, but now that I know the twist (if that's what you'd call it), I'm probably good on all things Train related.

      But yey, Blunt is terrific. Damn near always.